Not Through Yet

Season's Firsts

2011-04-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

First apple

First bubbles

First eggs

First ponytail

First skinned knee

Just a cute photo

Living Alone, Dying Aloner

2011-03-29T11:19:00.000-04:00

Our street is fairly secluded, with just three houses constituting our neighborhood. Our neighbor across the street lives in his other house during the weekends, and returns here during the week. He works long hours but we occasionally see him lounging on his porch petting our cat (who thinks he belongs to the neighbors - but that's another story).

Our nearby neighbor lived alone and was rarely seen. He was very kind and friendly when we would pass him on the street, but we often joked that Lamar could die and no one would know. He had no living family and we never saw anyone visiting at his house.

This past Monday our prediction came true. Lamar died on March 24 but wasn't discovered for four days. His obituary did not list names of any relatives or friends, and made a passing comment to a car club to which he belonged.

I don't know Lamar's situation and do not know if his loneliness was by choice or by situation. But I know it is sad to think of someone going days without connecting with another human being, and even worse to think someone could die and not be missed for several days.

Cutest Tempest

2011-03-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

I must say, the tantrums are coming fewer each day and with less ferocity. Maybe she's starting to outgrow them (or at least realize they are not achieving her goals).

Days like today, though, remind me of how much I love just being home with my wee lil lass.

Positive side of tantrums

2011-03-16T21:56:00.000-04:00

My daughter loves a good tantrum, and really, who doesn't? Sometimes she indulges in a good head-wack, heel-thump just for the heck of it. Once in a blue moon I discover the source of her malcontent. Often, though, I'm left confounded. Was it the grapes? Did she want the blue shirt instead of the red? What does "uhhh" mean?

It's very easy for me to get frustrated and whisper, "What is wrong with you?" After 3 tantrums within the first hour of her waking, I sometimes wonder if she enjoys slamming her head on the floor.

So I take a breath and force myself to think of the positive side of tantrums.

1. My daughter is very passionate. I honestly think part of her frustration is that she has more energy and emotion than she knows how to express.

2. My daughter has conviction. She knows what she wants and is not easily swayed. This will be a great characteristic when she's older and is faced with temptation to do what she knows to be wrong.

3. My daughter is tenacious. She won't be one to quickly relinquish her goals or desires. She will be the one who runs full out toward her destination even if everyone else stops and tries to rein her in.

4. My daughter is tough. She bounds back from superficial wounds as though they were mere flesh wounds. She does not worry over scratches, bumps, bruises or scuffs. She's a fighter, and she's tough.

5. My daughter is uniquely gifted and crafted by God. He will have His hands full trying to teach her submission. I have a feeling, though, that once she falls passionately in love with her Creator there will be nothing holding her back. We are in for an exciting journey!

I blame the vitamins

2011-03-15T10:33:00.000-04:00

Two sinus infections in a month. This, after going nearly a year without neither sniffle nor sneeze. And the topper is that typically, my daughter inherits whatever infection I catch. Sometimes she's kind enough to stagger her cold with mine, but occasionally she thinks misery loves company and she times her sickness to coincide with mine.

After much investigative thinking (conducted while curled up in bed watching "Pride and Prejudice" - the one with Keira Knightly), I have found the problem.

I blame the vitamins.

Seems all this sickness began about the time I started taking vitamins on a regular basis. Silly me listened to my doctor and husband who insisted that I take vitamins.

Ha, I say, ha! Maybe even a "fie!" just to round it out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go drink some Hillbilly Cough Medicine and snuggle with a pillow.

Voted Most Valuable Person

2011-01-07T13:14:00.001-05:00

I love checklists. There's a sense of purpose and accomplishment to look at a list of tasks and be able to cross off achievements:
Pay bill ✓
Drink coffee ✓
Schedule doctor appointment ✓
Write to friend ✓
Feed baby ✓
Clean bathrooms ✓
Drink more coffee ✓

I confess I tend to peek over my husband's shoulder to compare his list to mine. Aha! My list is longer! Or, if it's shorter, then it's because my tasks took longer to do. So in a very sick sense, I compare our lists and then slip on my judge's robe to determine who has more value to the family.

Why do I do this?

Because I'm insecure. I feel like I have to justify my existence by what I accomplish, and hope it's enough to warrant my being here.

If I were on Survivor, I'd be the one hauling fire wood, gathering berries and building a fire. And at the end of the day I'd point out all my accomplishments as if to tell my tribe mates, "See! I have worth. You can't vote me out."

Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Those who we view as worthy often are not, and those who work behind the scenes often get overlooked. Also, accomplishments do not = worth.

So my desire is to get to a point where I'm not trying to throw everyone else out of the boat in an effort to be crowned Most Valuable. Life is not a drawn out game of King of the Mountain, and I don't have to prove my worth by what I do. But, more importantly, neither does anyone else.

Leprechaun Conspiracy

2011-01-03T11:09:00.001-05:00

My husband insists that Cassiopeia isn't a real constellation. Instead, he calls it Onamonapia and creates legends about how the constellation commemorates some shrew of a woman who was banished to the skies.

A few years ago, my father and I found some sea shells in Pensacola Beach and concocted tales about how the shells were relics from spaceships that had crashed on the planet eons ago.

When my youngest brother was in elementary school, he set a mouse trap to catch a leprechaun. While he slept, my father and I tripped the trap and laid at the base a peeled potato that we had carved into the shape of a finger and dyed green. We also put a spurt of ketchup on the end for good effect. I was awaken the next morning to Ashton's sobs as he reported that his trap had maimed some poor leprechaun.

I can't wait for Addison to discover the wonders of a well-used imagination.

Dear Chicken Carcass

2011-01-02T09:01:00.000-05:00

It saddens me to think that you preferred death by falling to death by mauling. I know you and your chicken friends probably clucked cheerfully as you were loaded onto the Tyson truck, believing you were going for a scenic drive. When the road turned into a highway, though, I imagine your little chicken brains began to question your assumptions. And then Chatty Chicken, the one who prides herself on knowing everything, began clucking that the end was near and you should all repent for the sins you committed during your short lives. And that's when you made your choice. You would rather risk road rash or death by flinging your feathered body from your gilded cage rather than face whatever horror awaited you at the end of your journey.

So you jumped.

And flopped.

Then smooshed.

I am sad, little beaked friend. You would have been tasty.

I'm pretty sure I stepped on a thigh

2010-12-31T17:08:00.001-05:00

Mike and I are gathering with friends for a pre-New Year's Eve bash - complete with two kids under 2 ft tall. I offered to make my amazing, stunning, much asked for lasagna (full disclosure: every other dish I make tends to come out burnt, which may explain why the lasagna is so popular). One problem: I didn't have the necessary ingredients.

"That's fine," I thought. "I'll go after my afternoon nap."

Ha! I couldn't have known that 2/3 of Richmonders had the same thought. My first clue should have been the lioness like cars who were stalking unsuspecting shoppers as they returned to their vehicles. The cars waited in a line until such a pedestrian was noticed, and then stealthily began following the shopper as he or she meandered various parking aisles. The cars then whipped around corners and screeched to a halt, flipped on their blinkers while they waited for their prey to disembark from this existence.

My second clue was the dearth of shopping carts inside the store. And then, finally, in case I had missed every other sign, the most obvious was the serpentine line that wound down various aisles as shoppers waited for an available cashier. Much mutterings and expletives were heard, including the oft-repeated phrase, "The line starts back there."

It took me 5 min. to gather my meager ingredients, and 25 min. to check out. In the rush to find the shortest line, I bumped into no less than 5 other shoppers and stepped on a toe (possibly a thigh; I can't be sure).

So my New Year's Resolution: next year, order pizza.

Thank God for high school boys

2010-12-31T09:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is similar to being a single mom - except I get reprieve most evenings around 4:30 and on weekends. But during the day I have many errands and tasks that must be completed while also appeasing or herding a toddling toddler. If any other SAHMs can relate, I suggest we dub ourselves Professional Multi-Tasking Herders and create our own badges and slogan.

Anywho, today's obstacle challenge was to haul a 50-lb box into a post office for mailing while either dragging, carrying or luring a toddler to follow me. The luring worked up until I set her on the ground. Carrying might have worked had she been willing to sit on the box rather than lie on top of it. I didn't get to the dragging bit because like a knight on a white horse, a high school boy came to my rescue.

He had been in the truck parked near my car and watched as my follies unfolded. He gallantly exited his vehicle and offered to carry my parcel inside for me. What a guy!

Thus today's task was a success and I was able to move on to the next obstacle: herding my now fussy toddling toddler toward her pen ... I mean, crib.

Christmas really is about

2010-12-30T11:45:00.005-05:00

This was our first Christmas, really, as a family of 3. Last year Addie was just 3 months old when this festive holiday occurred, so her participation was limited to staring at the tree's twinkling lights. This year we took Addie on 2 tours of the Tacky Christmas Lights, introduced her to movie classics like "The Christmas Story," allowed her to sample Christmas cookies and watched with glee as she ripped into her gifts Christmas morning.

And yet the holiday felt empty.

Some of that hollowness can be attributed to the dearth of spiritual activities. We didn't attend nary a Christmas pageant nor Christmas Eve service. No caroling or singing of any Christmas hymns. No reading of the Christmas story from the Bible. Seemingly no focus at all on the meaning of this season - save for a toy nativity set that Addie received Christmas Eve, which she promptly shoved in her mouth.

So even with all the trappings of the holiday (commercial or otherwise), I still feel like the day came and went without much stirring in my heart. I didn't pause to rejoice at the thought of God becoming man. I didn't contemplate the awe felt by shepherds as they were visited by angels. Nor did I reflect on how Jesus' birth was the first step in His earthly life that would eventually lead to a cross on a hill.

I wish I could hit repeat and re-do this Christmas season because I feel like it passed by without me so much as glancing past the flashiness to see the humble manger.

Classic Indecency

2010-09-19T20:24:00.004-04:00

I recently joined a local book club for a few reasons: meet new people, read undiscovered literature, create opportunities for sharing God's love. I eagerly checked out this month's selection, Lady Chatterley's Lover, only to find the book seemed to earn the "classic" designation simply because the author flagrantly defied decency laws when he wrote it. D. H. Lawrence penned this piece of fiction in 1928 from his sanctuary in Italy. Copies of his book eventually were smuggled into the UK, where it ran afoul of their decency laws. A trial was held in 1960, and the UK government eventually loosened laws regarding what was considered obscene.

This post, however, isn't about what four-letter words were used and how often. It's more about my reaction to the book. I read nearly a fourth of the novel before I simply couldn't stand the author's desensitized description of casual sex. In fact, I think the last chapter I completed ended with Lady Chatterley's crippled husband urging her to have sex with other men in order to conceive a child. His one stipulation: she choose men he would approve.

I'm planning to attend the book discussion Tuesday night, but at this point I'm not sure what to say other than I disagree with the author. Sex is not like a conversation in which partners can easily be swapped and traded. And I have yet to meet a man or woman who could say that random sex didn't cost them something as much as it rewarded them.

This should make for an interesting discussion.

Painting with Pudding

2010-09-18T08:57:00.003-04:00

The other day we tried an experiment involving vanilla pudding and food coloring. I think it was a smashing success.

Coming Full Circle

2010-09-04T20:38:00.002-04:00

So long ago that I can't recall the year, I sat in a German hotel lobby talking with a co-worker/friend about how to strike up a conversation with anyone and how to eventually introduce spiritual topics into the conversation. To date, I had struggled to figure out how to "live my faith" without going door-to-door. I would usually freeze up when opportunities arose to meet a stranger or to say anything of substance.

Flash forward to present day.

One of those mentors, Derek, is now located in Richmond and is looking to plant a church. He and I have continued to email through the years, and he emailed me about the vision God has given him. Mike and I met with Derek and his family plus a few other families to talk about the beginnings of Radiate. I can't wait for this adventure to begin.

Mike and I have talked sporadically for years about being more involved in spreading the Gospel. Now we'll get hands on mentoring in how to start a gathering from scratch, to get a feel for the needs of a city, and to (gulp) meet and converse with strangers.

So in that vein, I am meeting with a group of moms this Tuesday. At one of their homes. To make sushi. And I've never met a single one of them. I'm terrified. But I'm also excited to actually practice what I have learned through the years about making friends and influencing people.

Too Much Time

2010-09-03T08:12:00.004-04:00

Addison is almost a year old. How did this happen???

Here's a quick roundup of all that I neglected to communicate:

- I quit my job in June in order to stay home with Addie. It was the best decision I've ever made. I love being a sahm and seeingall her developmental milestones: her crawling, babbling, tooth-growing, etc.

- Addie and I visited my family in July for a few week. It was a good visit but not relaxing by any standard. A friendwisely told me that I have to change my expectations fro

m "vacations are for me to relax" to "vacations are for me to ensure Addie has fun and is safe." The two aren't always the same.

- Mike and I took Addie in August to the OBX and Asheville. We visited a few music halls to listen to down-home bluegrass music, hiked a little, and slept. A lot.

-Now it's Sept. and I'm trying to understand how my baby girl has become an almost toddler. Life is definitely moving on!

Bevis Giggle

2010-01-30T13:56:00.003-05:00

We have said that Addison's laugh sounds like Bevis and Butthead and we tried to catch it on camera. This is just a preview because she didn't get rolling like she has in the past.

Addison at Four Months

2010-01-28T21:02:00.004-05:00

Almost There

2010-01-27T16:38:00.002-05:00

Addison is just at the point of almost rolling over on her own. She gets about halfway on to her side before deciding, "hmmm, I think I like the view better back over on my back." But she's trying.

She's also developed a laugh that is reminiscent of Bevis and Butthead. We've tried to catch it on camera but she's reticent to laugh on cue. Probably because she knows we're mocking her.

Last week Addison topped out at 12.4 lbs. Mike will take her to the dr this week for her 4 month check up. I expect him to say she is still 50 percentile in weight and height, and she still has a large noggin. That's ok; she needs all the space for her brains.

We also battled our first sickness last week. I'd forgotten how difficult it is to function on 4 hrs of sleep each night, but we survived. Mike would hold her from 11 pm - 3 am, and I'd take over until 7 am. Mike then stayed home with her while I trudged off to work. Sigh. My heart and mind were with her even if my body was not.

I'm thinking of writing a book for Addison and calling it, "The You that Almost Wasn't." I want to write down our journey of infertility, tell her about the near miscarriage, explain how she beat the odds to develop full-term and how she truly is a gift from God. Sounds great - now I just need to do it.

Such a big girl

2009-11-20T22:21:00.003-05:00

Last week we weighed Addison and she was up to 10 lbs. I noticed today that she's already so long that she barely fits into her 0-3 month sleepers. I'll be curious to hear what her doctor says next Wednesday. I'm not exactly looking forward to the visit, though, because Addison will get her first round of immunizations.

In other growth news, Addison has been sleeping in her crib this past week - and she usually sleeps 10 pm-6 am, and then from 6:30-9. She also eats about 5 oz at each feeding.

She's discovered the firefly mobile above her crib and loves to stare at them as they twirl over her head. She also loves music! I introduced her to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's "A Christmas to Remember" and she fell asleep - not sure if that means she liked it or not, but at least she didn't cry :)

Growing Girl

2009-11-03T10:14:00.001-05:00

The doctor says I'm coming along just fine. I'm still 21.5 inches long, but he says the hospital probably over-estimated my length when I was born.

I'm now up to 8 lbs 13 oz. Thanks mom for all the food!

My head is kind of big, though. Dr. says it's in the 70-90%. Guess it has to be big to hold all my brains :)

Five Night Streak

2009-10-29T19:57:00.002-04:00

Since this past Sunday, Addison has slept from 10 pm - 3 am, and then from 4 am - 7:30 am. Whoo-hoo! Sleep is so great. She also remains alert from about 7:30 until noon. One book I read said that 1 month olds should be able to remain awake for an hour a time. Guess Addie is ahead of schedule on that growth marker.

We'll find out tomorrow (hopefully) how she measures up in height and weight. She finally outgrew her newborn clothes, mainly because she's so long that her poor legs can't fully stretch out in the newborn sleepers.

Our lil girl is growing!

Recent Discoveries

2009-10-27T12:32:00.003-04:00

Addison has extremely strong neck muscles. I mean really strong. She already will pull back from whoever is holding her to stare into their face for a good 20 seconds or so before she does a chest headbutt. She's also become more aware of her surroundings. She already becomes bored with keeping her head steady against the chest of whoever is holding her. She'd much rather look around - especially at light.

We've experienced three nights now with a somewhat normal pattern to her sleeping. She usually goes down around 10 pm, wakes up at 3 am for a feeding, and goes back to sleep until around 7 am. I had been told not to expect her to settle into a pattern until she was at least 6 wks of age but for now she seems to have found a rhythm.

I've been able to give Addison 3 bottles of breastmilk since Sunday night and she seems to be digesting it fine. She just punctuated that last statement with a toot :) We hope to get her back to nursing as soon as possible since the formula makes her gassy and is daggum expensive.

We took Addison on a field trip yesterday to Carter Mountain Orchard. We didn't pick any apples but had fun traipsing through the trees and taking lots of photos. It was the first time I've relied solely on my sling to carry her around, and it worked great! She was pooped by the end of the day, though.

A long time coming

2009-10-25T19:43:00.003-04:00

So how do I summarize the past umpteen months? Well, I had a baby. Only took 31.5 hrs of labor and 1 c-section to get her here :) Because of this, i'm also on maternity leave from my job. I started working as a manager in August and was just figuring out the job when I had to leave for the next 3 months.

I've decided to use this blog as a primary means of keeping my 'rents up-to-date on Addison photos and stories. Currently, they are in Pensacola but will be relocating as of January. We wish they'd relocate to VA but we're not God and will adjust to whatever they decide.

Today's Addison story: my mom is trying to get me to hold Addison less so that she doesn't become a baby that must be held at all times. Unfortunately, she's not amenable to this adjustment. Also, today is the second attempt to get her off of formula and back onto breastmilk. I stopped nursing her over a week ago once we learned she has an allergy to dairy protein. I thought I'd be able to put her back on breastmilk within a week, but our first test run a few days didn't go well and the pediatrician said to put her back on formula. Guess we'll be able to tell by tomorrow whether the dairy is completely out of my system.

Momma Conner meet Momma Turtle

2009-05-27T18:48:00.004-04:00

We think this turtle is making a nest in our front yard. It's been digging a hole for over an hour, and appears to be straining - so much so that her eyes occasionally turn white. So either she's pregnant or she's constipated.

Not sure what we'll do if this momma indeed lays eggs in our front yard. Mike has talked about building a perimeter around them to protect them - especially from our mafia cat. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Some days are still hard

2009-05-18T12:47:00.002-04:00

It's been more than 2 years since Brandon was removed from our home. Since then, he and 1 of his brothers were adopted by the family that had agreed to take in him and his brothers (the other brother was moved to another living situation). I've heard he's doing well and is growing like a weed.

For the most part, I think I've moved beyond the grieving phase but there are still days I miss him. Last week brought many reminders of him and his brief life with us: conversations, photos and dreams. It led to a pretty depressing Saturday as I allowed myself to once again grieve the hole Brandon left in my heart.

I'm ecstatic about the new journey Mike and I are embarking on, and down deep I am happy that Brandon is well and with his brother. But there are some days that are still hard ...

Long awaited update

2009-05-01T13:45:00.003-04:00

We're heading to Florida today for a week-long vacation with the 'rents. I haven't seen them since Christmas, so I'm definitely looking forward to it. Oh, and seeing the ocean ain't half bad either!

Earlier this week I started panicking, though, because I was having nosebleeds twice a day (sorry for the ick factor) and random cramping in my lower left ab area. Turns out both symptoms are normal, but I'm still glad my doctor didn't laugh at me when I showed up Tuesday all in a twitter about what was going on. She even did an ultrasound to put my mind at ease. Yeah, that was another concern. At 17 weeks I still hadn't felt Baby Conner move and one of my books said I should have. Books are stupid! My dr said I won't feel Baby Conner until closer to 20 weeks, especially since he/she is my first.

Speaking of he/she - we have a monthly check up on May 14th and I'm hoping to know then whether we should buy pink or blue. And, we'll have another appointment with the perinatologist later in May, so if we don't know the baby's gender on May 14th then we should certainly know by the end of the month. ... assuming baby Conner cooperates!

Non baby update, request for prayer

2009-04-21T10:36:00.001-04:00

I hope you keep reading even though I don’t have any baby updates or photos to share. I want to ask you to pray for my parents who are going through a difficult time with their church in Florida. My dad is the pastor, and about a month ago he learned that 2 deacons were circulating a petition to force my dad out. Thankfully, that effort failed as many church members stepped forward to voice their support for my parents. Unfortunately, the efforts to undermine have not stopped. Now, several deacons are blocking my dad’s efforts to ask the lead under-miners to resign from leadership positions in the church (two are deacons and 1 is a Sunday School teacher). At a recent deacon’s meeting, the deacons made it clear that they still resent my dad’s leadership and they will not submit to God’s direction.

So my dad is faced with some tough decisions about how to move ahead. Please pray for him and my mom to have wisdom and God’s peace. Pray for God’s spirit to bring about a humility and repentance among those who continue to fight against God’s direction. And pray for a healing in the church. You can imagine how this is affecting those who see such division and strife, and conclude that Christians really are hypocrites.

Bowing before the Throne

2009-04-07T14:48:00.003-04:00

Also known as:

Happiness, thy name is Phenergen

So apparently, it’s not good to vomit more than twice a day like I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. I should say I’ve had good days with no vomiting, but frequent bows before the throne seem to be the norm. This could account for why my weight hasn’t increased in the past 3 weeks. So my lovely doctor has placed me on Phenergen, better known as “I’ll make you so sleepy you won’t know your nauseated” drug. The doctor also put me on some medicine to treat my constant heartburn/acid reflux. I’m supposed to take these when the symptoms aren’t controlled by Tums, Maalox, vitamin B6 and ginger caplets. Oh, and Unisom. If Mike thought I was tired before, he ain’t seen nothing yet!

The baby wasn’t as active today, but he/she did muster enough strength to give his/her poor mommy a high five. I’ll take the encouragement!

Week 13 - Good news!

2009-03-31T14:49:00.006-04:00

We returned to the perinatologist (not paleontologist, as I'm apt to call him) and he said everything looks great. The hemorrhage has healed and there is very little evidence of separation with the placenta. He gave me clearance to resume exercising and living normally.

The stats
heart rate: 155 beats a minute
CRL (crown to rump length): 72.7 mm

Baby Conner is one active child! The tech had a hard time getting BC to stay still long enough for photos. And just as I said, "I sure wish I knew if BC was a boy or a girl," the baby curled into the tightest position as if to say, "I ain't showing you nuthin!"

Latest Baby Image

2009-03-18T08:20:00.001-04:00

Baby Conner's head is to the left. It was much easier to see his/her arms and legs when he/she was flailing, but you get the idea.

Jumping Mexican Bean

2009-03-17T08:58:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday, I had my monthly ob/gyn check up, and boy was it exciting. The dr couldn't find the heartbeat using the traditional ultrasound, so she did an internal ultrasound just to be safe. As soon as she located the baby, Baby Conner began waving his/her arms, kicking his/her legs and jumping. In fact, I think Baby Conner might be a long-jumper based on how he/she'd go from end of the uterus to the other.

Dr didn't do any measurements, but the important issues were covered: Baby Conner is growing, still has a heart beat and is quite active.

I have been bleeding some since Saturday, but it appears to be the old blood that was trapped in my uterus. The perinatologist had told us to expect some bleeding and not to be alarmed unless I also had cramping. We'll return to the perinatologist March 31 to find out if the bleeding in the uterus has dissolved, disappeared or stayed the same.

Conversation with Rachel

2009-03-13T12:08:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I called Rachel to get her new phone number (she's moving on Saturday) ...

me: hi, Miss Rachel. It's Brittany

Rachel: oh, hello my love! How are you? How are you feeling?

me: good, I'm doing really well.

Rachel: good. Now I ask you, what are you wearing?

me: I'm wearing pants but they're not tight, I promise! (I've bought a belly band and was wearing that, but didn't explain this to Rachel since she probably hates spandex, too).

Rachel: Are you sure? Because if you are wearing tight clothes I won't talk to you again.

me: I promise, Miss Rachel. Do you want me to put my co-worker on the phone? She'll verify this for me.

Rachel: Why are you laughing? This isn't funny. You'll choke the baby.

me: Miss Rachel, the baby is fine. I'm fine. We're doing great.

Rachel: ok, ok. You probably shouldn't be at work, either. You need to lay down right now.

Old Lady Rant

2009-03-09T13:42:00.000-04:00

I visit an elderly Jewish lady once a week, and already she has shared a plethora of advice - some of it cute, some unfounded, but all spoken with care. This past Saturday I was preparing to leave her home when she called me to her. I expected a farewell hug, but instead I received a pants inspection. She lifted the end of my shirt, pulled my waistband from my tummy and announced I was "sqooishing" the baby. She wagged her finger as she berated me for wearing such tight clothing. I promised to take them off as soon as I got home, but she wasn't satisfied. She unbuttoned the top button and made me leave it that way as I left her home.

I'm in that in-between stage when I've outgrown my normal clothes but haven't grown enough for maternity clothes. If Miss Rachel has her way, I'll be wearing mumus and sweat pants every where I go.

All that bubbles and fizzes

2009-03-06T08:36:00.001-05:00

I laid in bed this morning for more than an hour trying to decipher the low throbbing and occasional cramps I was feeling. "Is this more cramping and hemorrhaging? Is it tummy-related, or uterus-related? Ohh .. was that one worse than the one I felt a minute ago? Should I get up or stay in bed?" So went my thinking pattern.

And then I remembered: oh, yes. That's just last night's Taco Bell meal talking back to me.

Oh the joys of second-guessing everything and worrying about each symptom.

9 weeks and counting

2009-03-02T18:55:00.003-05:00

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant and baby Conner is now the size of an olive. This is ironic because I HATE olives and Mike has been waiting for the day that I start to crave these greenish orbs. Hasn't happened yet and doubtfully will.

Yesterday and today I've had a break from the nausea that plagued me last week. I've been able to eat just about anything, and as long as I eat frequently then I'm ok.

One thing that's been a challenge is the restrictions I'm under regarding exercise. The perinatologist put me on pretty strict orders to do nothing strenuous, including most forms of exercise. I look forward to warm days when I can at least take afternoon walks.

Still no cramping or any other physical indication that things ain't right. Once again we praise God for one more day, one more week, one more milestone.

Contrast in Responses

2009-03-01T21:13:00.002-05:00

Mike and I have been on the infertility bandwagon for a number of years and have tried numerous paths to have a family. In 2006, we began fostering a toddler boy who we had the privilege to love and nurture for 9 months. We actually began to hope we would be able to adopt him, but in Feb. 2007, we received news that social services was going to place him in a family that could adopt him and 2 of his half-brothers.

I think this was the first time I recall going through every phase of grief - but not in a good way. I bargained with God, pleaded with Him, refused to accept the decision, fought against the decision, waited for God, grew impatient with Him and tried to "fix" the situation myself, and finally resigned myself to the decision. I was left broken, bitter, angry and completely separated from God. It took me a full year to realize that what had happened probably was the best result for our foster son, and that God wasn't some cold-hearted being who delighted in my suffering.

Nearly 2 years to the day that we lost our foster son, we received news that the precious baby for whom we had prayed and embraced was on the verge of being lost by us, too. This time, though, I found myself running to God. Even as I drove across town bleeding and cramping, I put on a praise CD and kept repeating, "Even in this I trust You, even in this."

I still pray this pregnancy will continue through the 9th month and that our baby will remain healthy and strong during his or her hibernation. But I've come to trust that whatever the outcome, I can lean on God and trust His heart.

The Good, Bad and Scary

2009-02-27T14:37:00.007-05:00

Recap:

Jan 17 - had 2 embryos implanted as part of Invitro fertilization with donated embryos

Jan. 28 - learned that at least one embryo had "taken" and we were pregnant

Feb. 11 - woke up with cramps and found that I was spotting. Also passed a blood clot. Went to the ER where they diagnosed me as having a threatened miscarriage

Feb. 12 - saw my regular ob-gyn who said the bleeding was normal and is called "implantation bleeding." Also learned that we are expecting one baby. Labs normal, heart rate 140 beats/min.

Feb. 17 - started heavy cramping and bleeding around 4:30 pm. Bleeding lasted 2 hrs., cramps lasted 6 hrs.

Feb. 18 - returned to regular ob-gyn's office, but she wasn't available. A med. student did the ultrasound, which looked to show an empty uterus, but test was inconclusive. Had blood drawn, which showed my hCG levels had dropped. The test results plus my symptoms led dr. to diagnose me as having had a miscarriage.

Feb. 20 - returned to ob-gyn to make sure all tissue had passed. During ultrasound discovered that baby is still there, has a visible heart flicker and appears to have grown. No bleeding or cramping since Feb. 17.

My regular ob-gyn referred us to a periantologist for some extensive scans of the baby to see what is causing the bleeding. The ultrasound revealed a robust baby with 2 visible arm buds and a large head. We also heard the heartbeat (180 beats/min). The scan also showed a well of old blood in the uterus left over from my hemorrhage (in scan above, the blood is the dark arc above the right side of the placenta). The well of blood is easily larger than the baby and seems to be coming out of the placenta.

The dr explained that of 1000 pregnant women who bleed, about half end up with miscarriages and half end up with healthy pregnancies. Given the amount of blood still in my uterus, he said my chances of having a miscarriage are about 75-80%.

He said he really can't predict how this pregnancy will end, but encouraged us to pray since that will be the only thing that saves this baby. Thankfully, it doesn't appear that the bleeding has affected the baby's development. He also said there's a chance my body may just absorb the blood and I'll go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

I'm scheduled to return to the periantologist in 4 wks. By then he expects 1 of 2 results: either I've had a miscarriage, or the scan will show the blood has disappeared.

Praise:

- baby continues to look healthy

- no bleeding or cramping for more than a week

Prayer:

- for the blood to disappear

- for Baby Conner to stay nestled and protected in the womb

Sad day

2009-02-18T20:46:00.002-05:00

Last night around 4:30 I started cramping and bleeding pretty heavily. I called my dr and she said I could either come in to the ER or wait until this morning to come in for an appointment. I opted for the second choice, and this morning they did an ultrasound and blood test. Everything is pointing to me having had a miscarriage last night. My primary ob/gyn wasn't in the office so she wants me to return Friday morning just to verify the results, but I'm not holding out hope that the results will be any different than today.

I've already called the fertility clinic in TN and we're looking to have another embryo transfer in May. That'll give us several months to heal and re-prepare for the journey once again.

Right now I can say that Mike and I are ok and hopeful for the future. Tomorrow, depending on when you ask, I might have a different answer. Trying to stay strong, hopeful and focused.

7 Weeks

2009-02-16T14:42:00.002-05:00

Today, baby sea monkey is about the size of a blueberry. Mike hates that I'm calling the baby a sea monkey, but until he/she drops the tails and gills, that's the only name that seems fitting. Besides, our nieces and nephews call Mike "Uncle Monkey" so it kind of goes with the tradition.

We had our 6-week appointment last week and got to see the baby on an ultrasound. We even saw his/her lil heart thumping away at 144 beats a minute. All looks good and normal (yay for normalcy!) Next up ... hopefully weaning off the twice-a-day progesterone injections. I don't know who will be happier - me or Mike.

Choking Weeds

2009-02-03T09:24:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I studied Jesus' story about a sower who threw out seeds, and the seeds fell on various types of ground. One type of ground allowed the seed to sprout and grow, but immediately produced weeds and vines to choke the new growth. The story is talking about various heart conditions (=ground) and how they receive the Gospel (=seed). However, for today's post, I'm going to say that the story could also be about how the cares of the world can choke out joy.

Just last Wednesday Mike and I were rejoicing over our good news about the expecting baby. We sailed on that cloud for several days and relished every moment we got to tell someone our news. There were times we'd just glance at each other and start smiling a goofy grin of pure giddiness.

Then this weekend I began worrying. How are we going to provide for this child? Will I be able to stay at home or will I need to keep working? What kind of job could I find that would allow me flexibility to be at home when I need to be and still earn enough money to keep us from becoming homeless? And I have only a year to figure it all out!

How silly is this? How quickly I allow worries about future decisions steal my joy about current situations. So once again God is reminding me to trust Him for even these things and to rest in his peace.

Baby Alien

2009-02-01T19:26:00.002-05:00

I've been reading this book my mom bought me called "From Conception to Birth." It photographically chronicles the development and growth of a baby during it's 9 month hibernation, and is really quite remarkable. The only weird thing is seeing photos like the one above and realizing that the baby looks more like a sea monkey than a human. Some of my favorite photos show the baby's tail, gills and ears near the base of the skull. Part of me marvels at how something so odd gradually rearranges itself and develops into a perfectly-formed child. The other part looks and goes, "Ewww!"

And, and, and ...

2009-01-28T17:56:00.000-05:00

We're pregnant! Oh, dear heavens, can it be real? I'm still whirling with the news. Right now we just know it's a positive. I'll go back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the numbers to make sure the HCg is doubling like it should. One nurse said our due date would be Oct. 4, but that seems awfully early. Guess we'll find out at our ultrasound in February.

For now, I'm just going to savor the moment.

Big Day

2009-01-28T10:25:00.002-05:00

Today I have my first interview in the "job fair" process of matching me to a new assignment. There are 24 administrative folks who are being displaced, and we are all interviewing for 36 positions. Pro is none of us are losing our jobs. Con is trying to decide where I think I'd be best suited given the job, environment, supervisor and my personality/gifts.

Today I'll also get the first initial results from my blood test. I was told that the results could be inconclusive until Friday's test, but that if the result is negative then that's that.

I told Mike this morning that I really haven't felt stressed or anxious at all, and that's mostly true (I think I had a moment one I started to worry, but that was at least a few days ago :) Now I just sense peace. Even if the result is negative I trust that all is well and I refuse to give up hope. Already God has shown that His timing and methods are usually not what I anticipate, which can make for an eventful life!

The nerve!

2009-01-26T08:10:00.002-05:00

Ok, not to be overly dramatic, but I seriously think I've hit this nerve every morning when I go to do my injections on the right side. And if not this nerve, then one like it.

I've tried several different areas on the right side and only once have I been able to do the injection on the first try without feeling like fire is pouring into my backside.

What am I doing wrong?? Ok, maybe this is better answered by a doctor or nurse. But, I've talked to 2 nurses and a doctor about where I'm supposed to be doing the injection and all 3 have given different answers. One nurse said to aim for the bone right above the cheek but before you get to the vertebrae. Another nurse said to do it on the side right above the hip bone. And the dr said to aim for the outer right quadrant of the cheek (which is what the internet said to do but it still hurts!)

I don't mind the injections necessarily; the left side works great and I can finish it in a few minutes with minimal pain. But the right side is not working for me right now.

Job and Bloating (2 not related)

2009-01-23T10:30:00.001-05:00

I have my interview with SHR next Wednesday 3-4. For those who don't know, all the administrative jobs in my area are being phased out as of July 1. Thus, SHR is doing a job-fair type of thing whereby they try to match 25 of us newly displaced workers with 36 new job openings. We first interview with SHR, and then the top 4-5 candidates for each job will interview with the prospective managers. Sometime around March 9 we'll find out what jobs we were matched with. So next week's interview is pretty important. Hope I don't say something inflammatory :)

Also, I've been having lots of cramping and bloating since the transfer last Saturday. The dr had said I could expect some of this, but it still has me sort of worried. I did the dreadful thing of checking out a message board, and one lady said her doctor told her progesterone causes the uterus to stretch - thus causing cramping. So I feel a little better about it. I just hate not knowing what is "normal" but I need to relax and simply wait for my blood tests next week to know for sure if the embryos took or not.

Hunka, hunka burnin' love

2009-01-21T09:55:00.004-05:00

For the past 3 days I have been battling serious heartburn. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me since I typically have no digestion issues. I mean, this is the girl who went to India and used water for brushing her teeth, who drank from the faucet in Russia, who ate unmentionables in Vietnam, and who hung out with dysentery victims in Uganda and I've NEVER had stomach problems. Thanks to the web I discovered that progesterone (the hormone I've been shooting into my hip twice a day) relaxes the muscle between the esophagus and stomach, thus producing heartburn.

Sadly, the website's recommendation is to cut out caffeine (no coffee) , tomato-based foods (no lasagna or pizza), citrus fruit (no oranges), sodium-high foods (no popcorn) , fried foods (no fried okra) and chocolate (no happiness). Mike said I should start living off of rice cakes.

Oh well. Such a small sacrifice for a good purpose. I welcome any tips, though, from past or current moms who dealt with the same issue.

Today I am ...

2009-01-17T19:47:00.008-05:00

- resting and thankful for a successful frozen embryo transplant (FET) this morning

- glad that the doctor showed us how to do the progesterone injections correctly. Turns out my nurse had told Mike the wrong location for the injections, and he's been sticking me near or on a nerve. No wonder they hurt so bad!

- am praying for the 2 wee embryos in me and am excited to think of the future

Break from injections

2009-01-08T19:03:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, I received orders from the clinic to start doing Lupron injections. Now, most likely you're new to this whole procedure like I was, so let me tell you ... giving yourself an injection in the tummy is harder than it looks. Most of it is psychological, but I swear that those first few times my knees would feel a little weak as I'd see that long, slender metal tip disappear into the folds of my flesh. I think I'm a pro at it now - right as it's time to stop.

I did the injections for about 21 days. At one point I had a ginormous bruise to the right of my belly button. It was about the same time that I had to have blood drawn for some testing. The blood-drawing techie missed the vein in my arm and decided to go "fishing" for it with her needle. A few days later I had a bruise on my arm the size of a 50 cent piece. That, coupled with my tummy bruise, made for quite a picture. I meant to take a photo so I could one day tell our baby, "Look what mommy went through to have you!" - but I figure guilt-tripping kids isn't the best parenting method.

The bruises have faded (thankfully) and the injections have ceased, for now. Next week starts a whole new round of shots, but these have to be administered in my hip by my lovely husband (who is quite ecstatic at the thought of injecting me). These shots will probably hurt much worse because the needles are about 3 inches long. Good thing I can't see anything when he's doing it!

Even now I can say I know all these injections and procedures will be worth it when we have a sweet baby. Our procedure date is Jan. 17 - just over a week away! We've been waiting for this date for so long that in many ways I can't believe it's right around the corner!!

Possible solution??

2009-01-07T07:22:00.001-05:00

Hmmm ... maybe I should start poking and stalking more people

Bonding

2009-01-06T09:42:00.007-05:00

This past New Year's Day, Mike and I had Thursday-Sunday off from work. Four glorious days to do whatever we wanted to do. The first day we lazed about and watched movies, ran errands, enjoyed some alone time. Same for the second day. But by the third day, we were hungry for company. We called some friends ... and left a message. We called family, but they were busy. Finally, we resigned ourselves to meandering through shopping centers and bookstores just to be among other people.

Why is it so hard to develop community and relationships? That's not to say our friendships are shallow and fake. But maybe we don't have enough friends. Or maybe our friendships are more of a casual friendliness rather than deep, day-to-day type of relationships.

Mankind was built to have and enjoy relationships - with each other and with our Father. On lonely days like what we experienced last week, I literally hunger for some kind of human contact - even if it's just for a few hours.

Please don't hear this as a lame plea similar to someone standing on a street corner with a sign that reads, "Be My Friend." Rather, I'm trying to understand if this isolation is global or limited to the US. Also, is there a "cure" or remedy to the problem? How can we go about developing lasting, deep friendships in a culture that values personal space?

Joyful, joyful

2008-12-04T15:32:00.002-05:00

I've written so many posts of late where I air my concerns and lament my stresses, that I want to give a shout out for the amazing ways God has blessed me this week. Here's a quick summary (the last is the best)

- I started another drama class this week. Last session I had 9 kids and innumerable behavioral problems (one student was asked not to return). This session I have 16 children, and I believe they are the cream of the crop. After our first class I had several declare this is their favorite class, and they are looking forward to next week. I like that kind of enthusiasm! Better yet, they seem to be all well-behaved, mature children.

- last week Mike finally received the promotion that he had been promised nearly 6 months ago. He already was doing the work involved, but he had not received the title or pay raise to go with the responsibilities. Our company was generous and offered him a 22% increase in salary

- we received a call at 3:30 Tuesday night from the embryo clinic saying they were faxing over the profiles on embryo donors. We needed to decide on which donor we wanted and decide fast! Other couples were getting the same information at the same time, and it was first come, first served.

Mike and I decided on 1 couple that night, but really needed God's peace about the whole thing. All we had to go on was brief physical descriptions of the donors and only 7 profiles to choose from. I called the clinic the first thing Wednesday and heard the beautiful words, "The other couples haven't chosen yet because I was waiting to hear what your selection was." After Mike and I told her our choice, she faxed over a more detailed bio on the husband and wife. Would you believe, it's like reading our own bios.

The husband is the same age as Mike, the wife is within 2 years of my age. Both have curly hair. Both share our body build, skin tone and eye color. The husband plays soccer, the wife majored in communications. Better still. The couple had 5 strong, healthy embryos to donate. The wife ended up pregnant with triplets when she used her other embryos. (I'm not wishing for triplets, but it tells us she had a good success rate)

After reading the detailed information, we really felt God's peace and assurance. So, this week we are rejoicing in God's goodness and His ability to answer prayers (from big to small).

War on Fleas (WoF) - week 1

2008-11-17T19:27:00.004-05:00

The Smuggler - we think the fleas hitched a ride on Jon Cat

Look at his fierce claws - these are the talons of a killer

The Execution

The Dead

We've heard that it sometimes takes several weeks of consecutive flea bombing to thoroughly kill off the critters. We haven't seen any hoppers since our first treatment, so hopefully that took care of the problem

Declaring War

2008-11-15T20:20:00.004-05:00

Normally I'm a pacifist all in favor of finding peaceful solutions to conflicts, but today I have re-evaluated my stance. Today I became an all-you-can-eat buffet for fleas. I've counted 20 bites thus far on my legs, abdomen, back and arms. We tried vacuuming, washing linens and even taking vitamin B1 (one website said this supplement deters fleas from biting - ha!) Mike and I plan to bomb the house tomorrow, and hopefully find something to spray the yard. I'm open to any other tips!

Schizophrenic Reading List

2008-11-12T09:46:00.001-05:00

I’m reading a book written by a freelance writer who gives advice to folks seeking to bust out of the standard 9-to-5 model of work. She asks questions in the first chapter to help stimulate the reader’s thought process regarding what kind of work the reader really would be interested in doing. One of the questions guides the reader to look at hobbies and interests.

By doing so, I now realize I suffer from flight of thought – which my dad gratefully reminds me is a symptom of Schizophrenia.

See, my hobby is reading – particularly anything to do with history. The Schizophrenia part comes in when one looks at my list of materials. A month ago I was obsessed with Henry VIII and the history of his life, wives and reign. I must have read at least 4 books on this topic in just a month.

This month, I’m obsessed with learning all I can about World War II, particularly focusing on the Holocaust. I’m re-reading Wiesel’s “Night” and have checked out other books on this topic – all biographical stories from people who were in Europe during WWII and were touched by the Holocaust. I’m also re-watching “Band of Brothers” and hope to meet with a local widow who is Jewish and escaped from Europe during WWII.

Earlier this year my reading list consisted of nothing but books about the history of Spain, starting with Queen Isabella and going through the last dictator, Franco.

Now if only I could turn this flight of thought and fancy into a career path ….

Have I mentioned I love autumn?

2008-11-01T22:25:00.002-04:00

What the ...?

2008-10-20T14:32:00.000-04:00

Authorities in Iran nabbed two birds believed to be “spy pigeons” near the country’s contentious nuclear facility, the Agence France-Presse reported Monday.

Both pigeons were caught near the city of Natanz, which is home to Iran’s uranium enrichment plant, AFP reported. Both had metal rings and invisible strings attached to them.

A source declined to mention what will happen to the pigeons now that they’ve been caught.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,441162,00.html

More than Expected

2008-10-16T09:58:00.000-04:00

I went into this week’s drama class just hoping and praying that the kids would be calm enough for me to get through the lesson plan. I had enlisted a few friends to pray for me, and I had spent a few days prior to the class praying for the kids. Still, though, I had low expectations.

Imagine my surprise when the one child who seemed to be the ring-leader, J., came into class and said, “Hello, Miss Brittany!” I can’t recall him ever addressing me by name. Then, during class, J. continued to surprise me by reigning in the other kids and helping me keep everyone on task. Later, he held the door open for me and the other classmates, and eagerly ran to the drama director to tell her he had brought one of his grades up.

His good behavior continued throughout the rest of class, and when it came time to recognize the “best behaved student,” others in the class readily recommended J. even before I announced my choice.

I really don’t know what to attribute J.’s change to other than prayer and perseverance. The best part: I was finally able to start pouring into each child, praising them for individual accomplishments and sharing with them about how God had created each one of them with unique skills and talents. I left class quite elated and encouraged, which is definitely more than what I expected.

Christianese in the real world

2008-10-12T19:24:00.010-04:00

What Next?

2008-10-07T20:58:00.004-04:00

This past spring, I realized that I spent nearly every evening at home watching tv with my husband - not what I consider the best use of my time. So I decided to volunteer and join various groups. I go to dance class on Thursdays, teach drama to 8-10 year olds on Tuesdays and visit a homebound elderly couple each week. I've been dancing and teaching drama for a little over a month, but it's not going as I expected. My goal had been to form friendships and have fun, and hopefully find ways to enter into life-changing discussions with people. The problem is I often get so caught in the activity that I forget about initiating purposeful conversations.

I know the names of some of the ladies in my dance class, but can't seem to get past the initial "How are you? How is your family?" My drama class is much worse. I try to open the class in prayer and talk about how I believe God has gifted us with imaginations, but the kids seem bored and uninterested (in fact, one kid made buzzing noises with his tongue during last week's prayer). Even more discouraging is that I find myself spending more time planning lessons and worrying about "problem children" than I do praying for them.

So how do I move past the current stage to one where I can actually do or say something significant? How do I stay focused on the main thing and not get distracted by busyiness? And here's a deeper issue: how do you calm a class of 10 kids long enough to teach them drama, impart to them a glimpse of God's love and get out before chaos erupts?

Dance Steps

2008-10-03T15:09:00.001-04:00

A friend of mine recently created a blog, Break Out Dancing, as a way to engage people in a conversation about spiritual matters. I love the writer's approach: the best way to connect is to "dance" with them. Sometimes you lead, sometimes they lead. The key is to adapt your pace and steps to match theirs.

Check it out! If nothing else, I love the case studies because it makes me think about what would I do or say in the proposed situation.

Several Facets to Sanctity of Life

2008-09-30T08:58:00.002-04:00

400,000

Number of Sudanese who have died from violence or disease since the Darfur War began in 2003

15 million

Number of children worldwide who have been orphaned by AIDS

1.3 million

Average number of abortions per year in the US

$20,000

Average cost of infant adoption in the US

1123

Number of people who have been executed in the United States since 1976

16 million

Number of children in developing countries who die each year from preventable causes

Percentage of those deaths that are due to hunger or malnutrition

I think each of these issues deserves our attention at any time - not just in an election year. I applaud those who champion a particular cause and who are so passionate about an issue that they do their best to educate the public about their stance. But I also applaud those who go beyond picketing and protesting and do their part to change the situation - whether it's through donations, volunteering, advocacy, education or mentoring.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that true change can only happen by and through His direction and power. Politicians can reform laws, but the next group of leaders can reverse whatever temporary change was enacted. Organizations can offer aid relief, but their change, too, only addresses temporary situations.

I really feel this is where the church should be unified and focused: doing whatever we can to offer healing, forgiveness, restoration, hope and love. We should stop focusing on politics and start focusing on people. We should stop drawing lines of divisions and start reaching out a hand of reconciliation. And as God changes lives, we'll also see God overthrow injustices. And God desires to affect change that impacts all lives.

Secrets, secrets

2008-09-28T19:17:00.003-04:00

I've been waiting for the right time to write this post, mostly because I'm not sure how some folks might react. But then I realized that we have a pretty amazing story to share and I shouldn't keep it quiet just because I might get some strange responses. First, though, here's the backstory.

December 1, 2001

I married R. Mike Conner, who would soon become my best friend. Within 6 months we decided to go ahead and try to start a family.

2002-2005

We had yet to conceive and underwent several infertility testing. Finally we received the news: it'd take a miracle for us to ever conceive a child without some kind of major medical intervention. This came as such a disappointment and we went through a grieving phase for at least a year. And to be honest, we also went through a stage of questioning God and His love.

spring 2004

We enlisted in our county's foster parent program with the hopes of getting a child we could eventually adopt. We received a toddler around March and were told prospects were good for us to eventually adopt. Unfortunately, this placing didn't work out and we "lost" our foster son in spring of 2005. There's much more to this story, but I'll sum it up by saying we were devastated. This threw us into a pit much worse than where we'd been before foster care, both emotionally and spiritually. It'd take us at least 2 years before we were willing to even think of trying adoption.

May 2008

We decided to meet with Bethany Christian Services to learn about their adoption program. During that meeting, the case worker asked if we had considered embryo adoption. Years ago I'd looked into it, but thought it was way too expensive. It was at this meeting that we learned about a fertility doctor in Knoxville, TN who had contracted with Bethany to offer embryo adoptions to couples who were cleared for adoption through Bethany. The best part: he viewed this as his ministry to save frozen embryos so he was offering to do up to 3 rounds of embryo transfers for a third of the cost that traditional fertility doctors charge.

So, here's the news. We met with the doctor in Tennessee this past week and have been cleared for their embryo transfer program. We also had our home study approved by Bethany the first of this month. Thus, we are now on track to have our first embryo transfer in 4 months. Yay!!!

'rents recent visit

2008-09-10T21:18:00.003-04:00

My mom and dad recently came to stay with us for about 10 days, and I had blast introducing them to Richmond and the surrounding areas. I definitely get my humor from them!

my mom and I getting fresh with a statue in Richmond

Mike and I near the James River

my parents in front of a replicated log cabin -

he's trying to carry her across the threshold

here cow, cow, cow ... mooooo!

me and my sweetie

Second View: God's Compassion vs. God's glory

2008-09-06T13:34:00.004-04:00

Here is what I have had driven home to me lately. Safety is an illusion. Security is an illusion. We talk about job security, financial security, etc. That's all an illusion--some parents might say, "God didn't send us here to sacrifice our children for the souls of others." All of those thoughts, ideas, beliefs would make sense if it weren't for the fact that we could be taking a walk and a drunk driver swerves off the road onto the sidewalk and kills that child that we were going to protect.

Security is an illusion because we only think in terms of the short view, or in other words, this life now. What does all this have to do with Ester (her being a part of God's plan to redeem his people, yet another time is like the drunk driver for me). God did not support sex trade, nor would he want anyone to have to endure what Ester endured. However, evil does exist in the world along with the good. Because of evil she found herself in her predicament. But God--good--always trumps evil. If I remember correctly the scripture says something like, "God has placed you here for just such a time as this." Hebraically speaking, because the Jews were monotheist to the core everything was due to God. It's like the guy who slammed his hand in the car door, went to the hospital and was able to tell someone about God. That man might say, "Thank you God for slamming my hand in the door!" when in reality it was his stupidity.

God can redeem any situation regardless of what it is or how it comes about, to draw his people to himself and/or provide a way of rescue.

Your struggle is a struggle that all of us who take the bible seriously are constantly sorting things out because they don't fit the schemes that we have been taught. The cool thing is the mystery that surrounds God. We can't dissect his word like a frog in biology lab which is sort of what modernity did with scripture, God, the whole deal. Cause and effect, scientific, objective evidence, all were tools that modernists have used to try and figure it all out--and consequently, not allowing for mystery--the mystery of God.

Two Views on Same Question

2008-09-06T13:31:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to sort out a revelation that occurred to me earlier this week, and thought I'd offer two views on the same issue. This first post is my initial thoughts regarding the issue/question. The next post will feature the insights of a person who has become sort of a mentor/sounding board for when I encounter these issues.

So I had this spiritual “aha” moment yesterday and it’s kind of thrown me for a loop. I’ve been thinking about blogging about it, but I can’t think of any title other than, “God and the Sex Trade.” See, I was reading a book by McManus in which he discusses the story of Esther. He points out that this Old Testament story isn’t a romantic love story like we all think it is. At its essence, it’s the story of a girl whose people was enslaved by the Persians. God decides the way to rescue his people from annihilation is to plant someone in a strategic location so that this person will be in a position of influence. Sounds great … except His plan involved having a young, virgin girl forced into the king’s harem where she was obligated to satisfy the king’s every whim. Granted, the story turns out fine and dandy: Esther becomes queen and Israel is saved. By why did God’s plan center around a girl being forced into a sterilized version of the sex trade in order to save His people?

The second part that worries me is the question of what if God’s plan for my life involved a similar sacrifice. For the longest time, I thought bad things happen for 2 reasons: it’s a direct result of a person’s sin (ex: Israel’s captivity) or the result of someone making bad decisions (ex: story of Tamar’s rape in the Old Testament). Never had I considered that bad things might happen because it’s part of God’s plan. It’s like God sent Esther to the harem. This wasn’t a case of someone making a bad decision and God having to step in to make the best of the bad result. God ordained the bad situation!

So what if God’s plan for me requires me to be falsely accused for a crime and sent to prison just so other prisoners can hear about God? Or what if God’s plan requires me to contract a horrible disease so that I’ll be put in touch with doctors who are longing to hear about God?

So now I’m in a quandary about what to think regarding God’s compassion when it seems that at times God’s glory will outweigh God’s compassion.

Final Grains of Sand

2008-08-21T21:12:00.007-04:00

Final scenes from OBX

Kite-flyers at Jockey's Ridge dunes

Bert got crabs

Conner and mean Korynn

Jack didn't want to be left out

The Gang

2008-08-15T17:43:00.007-04:00

Mike catching a wave - I didn't get the shot of him wiping out

Korynn and Conner

The Conner gang: Jack, Bert, Kelly and Mike

some small dolphins and tile fish from Oregon Inlet.

Rumor had it that some guys caught a 1,220 lbs

blue marlin over at a neighboring cove.

There's more photos over at my mac gallery

Night of Dancing and Bowling

2008-08-13T19:46:00.007-04:00

Shannon spinning Conner

Conner doing her granny-bowl

Conner didn't like the loud music,

but she'd unplug her ears long enough to bowl

Jack, a bowler in the making

Look at his graceful form - incredibly, Chris beat us all

with a rousing score of 112.

Rainy days in OBX

2008-08-13T11:56:00.004-04:00

What better way to spend a rainy day than chilling in a true coffee house - the kind where strangers gather around common tables, people actually talk to each other and everything is roasted/created in house? On our first day in OBX we got a frequent coffee card for The Front Porch Cafe. We'll get a free drink after purchasing 10; in the last 4 days we've consumed 6. Yay us!

Cutie Nephew

2008-08-13T11:44:00.001-04:00

Jack is one of the most well-behaved toddlers I've ever met. He kept himself entertained and content on the beach, so much so that I forgot he was there. Every morning I wake up to his gurgling chuckles and squeals. He definitely has a cheerful disposition.

Fun in the Sun

2008-08-12T19:30:00.004-04:00

Here are a few shots from our week at Kill Devil Hills, NC.

Bunny playing catch with Conner and Tyler

Jack chilling from the sun

Mike kicking back

eating good ice cream

Seen by God

2008-08-05T20:36:00.004-04:00

Years ago, Mike and I went to a church where a prophet was visiting. If you're anything like me, you may have viewed such a person with skepticism or maybe even fear. I had certainly never met someone who claimed to hear directly from God.

The prophet, Joan, was a middle-aged, average-looking lady who would have blended in at any craft store. She proceeded to pray over each person and offer words of encouragement from God. Often, her words offered peace but seemed to lack any specifics that would have made her pronouncement unique to the individual. Several people heard about how God loved them, God delighted in them, and God was going to help them. And then came my turn.

After a few moments of quietly praying over me, Joan revealed a secret that not even my husband knew about. She said that God saw me when I danced and he delighted in it. See, I took ballet when I was 7 years old and always had a desire to continue dancing. When no one else was home, I'd turn on some music and bust a move, usually worshipping God.

Joan's statement amazed me for 2 reasons: the obvious reason is because she was able to talk about something I thought no one else knew about. The second reason was because until that moment, I hadn't ever considered that God even paid attention to me - let alone delighted in something that seemed so insignificant. It's kind of comforting, spooky, amazing to think that we are seen by God.

Searching for God

2008-07-23T18:33:00.003-04:00

In case you’re looking for God, here’s a heads up that He’s been spotted in a spud, baking pan and fish stick.

Why I’m mad at Erwin McManus

2008-07-23T15:54:00.003-04:00

McManus' latest book, “Wide Awake,” hit shelves earlier this month to much anticipation. His earlier books sketched an image of Christianity that was wild and adventurous - certainly not the tame, mundane facsimile it has become. His latest book promised to challenge believers to embrace the idea that our futures, our potentials, already laid dormant within us just waiting to burst forth into a myriad of colors, sounds and experiences.

I threw the book on the floor after chapter 1.

McManus begins his book talking about why we need to chase after our dreams, boiling the idea down to this central theme: the world needs us to fulfill the potential God placed within us. If all of humanity lived like we were created to live, then many of society’s ills and the world’s plights could be solved. What frustrates me is that I don’t have a dream to chase. I feel like McManus is encouraging us to throw off all inhibition to chase after our futures, and I’m standing at the start line trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be running toward. I have my running shoes on, just no path to follow.

I want to chase a dream. I want to think there’s more to this life than a 8.5 hr. job consumed with answering emails and filing papers. I want to think there’s adventure awaiting me around the bend - but there’s no trail in front of me, let alone a bend. I want to think that when it’s all said and done, I can leave this planet satisfied that I’ve impacted at least one life. Maybe even have improved the world a bit through my existence.

It’s a defeating moment to see others strapping on their shoes in preparation to run off into the horizon when I have yet to figure out where I’m going.

Slow Build Up

2008-07-22T08:34:00.001-04:00

I’m going to steal from a great man’s blog, but at least I’m confessing it up front. Johnathan Acuff crafted a blog post about how temptations don’t swoop in and bang you over the head; they creep in like a slowly rising river. He says it better though …

"On the evening of January 31, 1953, a father and his 9-year-old son were walking along a large dyke. The father noticed that the water was higher than it should have been. With a watch and a worrisome look he took a rough measure of how high the water would be soon.

In a controlled panic, he and his son woke up the mayor of the small town. They woke up the town council and for hours discussed what they should do. Ultimately the council decided that they should not ring the church bell and wake up the town because nothing serious would happen. The reason they believed everything would be OK was that the dyke had never failed before. Their town had always been safe and so they trusted that what had never happened would not ever happen.

The next morning, the father and son started searching for survivors among the more than 1,800 dead.

Chances are, you and I will never feel the rush of water as a damn breaks and a town disappears. But in many ways, we all know what it’s like to stand on top of a wall as the water slowly rises. To see the warning signs in our life and know that perhaps someone should be warned.

Maybe it’s slow, the daily build up of rain washing against your walls. Maybe it’s unexpected, a storm colliding against you with waves and water you never dreamed could be so deep. But in that moment when you stand on the top of your damn and can see the water rising, don’t try to go it alone. Reach out to a friend. Wake up your neighbors. Ring the church bell.

Because in this damn life, it’s just so easy for never to turn into first time ever."

So how are the dams in your life?

A world where everyone matters

2008-07-22T07:51:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading a book (“The Red Letters”) that challenges believers to intentionally focus our lives on ministering to and helping those around us. The author has a particular fondness for any ministry that seeks to alleviate the suffering of AIDS patients and AIDS orphans in Africa. I was challenged to realize that I’ve become too entombed in my own world to even pause when I read horrific stories of suffering, genocide, starvation, or violence. I’m so used to reading about the Darfur crisis, the unrest in Palestine, bombings in Afghanistan, earthquakes in the Pacific Rim and AIDS in Africa that I barely scan newspaper headlines before turning the page. But I don’t want to be that person.

I want to be someone who sees that my little life in Virginia can impact the life of a child in India. That I don’t have to be Ghandi, Billy Graham or Mother Theresa to help someone. And distance isn’t an excuse. Plenty of organizations are working in countries that I may never visit, and they need my support.

But the worldwide concern goes beyond a desire to do good and help others. It’s rooted in the knowledge that if I truly believe all people are created in God’s image, then all people are worthy of dignity, justice and compassion. Everyone. Even Bin Laden.

Today, I read a heart-wrenching story from Italy. Two Roma girls drowned near a beach, were pulled on shore and covered with towels until emergency personnel could arrive. Meanwhile, beachgoers continued to eat, mingle and sunbathe within feet of the girls’ corpses. I’m tempted to be outraged at their complacency, but to accuse them would be to condemn myself, too.

Heidi Goes to the Groomer

2008-07-09T17:42:00.003-04:00

Before:

After:

My favorite detail is the lion-like tuft at the end of her tail. I know, I know. I need a hobby.

Motown Philly

2008-07-06T20:30:00.002-04:00

Mike and I had a few extra days off from work for the Fourth of July, so we headed north to Philadelphia. The first afternoon we toured Independence Hall and enjoyed a Phillies baseball game. Saturday we toured the city and got to see some interesting sites - including a house that was used in the movie The Sixth Sense. We also caught a Boys II Men concert and fireworks show. Sadly, I have to say that I left the city not really feeling the Brotherly Love. Nothing specific happened ... except the constant club thumping we could hear from our room from midnight until 4 am each night ... but I never did feel a connection to the city. Sorry if that offends any Philly lovers :) I did like their cheese steak subs!

Mike in the room where the founding fathers signed the Constitution.

At the Phillies game.

Near the Rocky statue at the art museum.

Can you see the head of one of the Boys II Men singers? Hint: it's illuminated.

Pretty fireworks!

Spain Wins!!!!

2008-06-29T16:38:00.001-04:00

GOOOOOOOAAAALLL! And with a score of 1-0, Spain won Euro 2008. The excitement is more than we can bare.

Soccer Ecstasy

2008-06-29T15:18:00.003-04:00

In case you've just emerged from a bunker, today was the final game of Euro 2008. Some have described the Euro games as second only to the World Cup. Spain and Germany are in the final (game is still going on) but I think we're enduring all the stress, ecstasy and joy we can handle :)

Oooh, Torres just scored. Go Spain!

Eating Rubber

2008-06-26T21:32:00.003-04:00

In the past few days God has laid before my eyes the story of the woman caught in adultery. I read it in a devotional, heard it in sermons and came across it in various readings. So you'd think I would have been asking God, "Why are you teaching me about not judging others?" You'd think.

This week we had our company's trustees in the building, and I immediately was on edge. I've not always agreed with some of their decisions, and I tend to fear them. Part of me wanted to skip our weekly meeting because I assumed I couldn't benefit at all from hearing from the guest speaker, one of our trustees. I really had to eat humble pie afterward, though, because the speaker was not just inspiring but he also was humble, spot-on and deep.

So I really put my foot in my mouth this week with some of my judgmental thoughts and words. It would have been so much easier if I had simply learned the lesson when God tried to teach it to me from His Word.

Love is ...

2008-06-26T21:21:00.002-04:00

Last week Mike and I had an intense conversation - not quite a fight - probably tied to me losing my ring. And it's not why you think. Mike wasn't upset that I lost my ring; he was upset that it took me 3 days to tell him. There's a really long answer for why I hid the mistake from him, but the short answer is that it has something to do with insecurities.

But that's not the point of this post. After our intense conversation, I worried the next day about how Mike would respond to me: would he forgive me, resent me, suspect me? I was tense and uptight ... until Mike called me at 9:30 to ask me to meet him at the front desk. He had gone and bought me my favorite drink, a grande caramel macchiato.

The moral of the story: it's possible to fight with respect and love. And I am easily bought.

Current favorite photo

2008-06-14T17:24:00.002-04:00

A friend spotted this lovely shot just as the sun illuminated this single flower. So nice :)

Lost and Found

2008-06-14T17:13:00.002-04:00

This past Wednesday, I did something that's even clumsy by my standards. I lost my engagement ring at the gym. I had placed them in my shoes thinking, "surely I'll see them there and remember to put them in my bag before I leave." Somehow I remembered to get my wedding band but not the diamond ring. Thankfully, a kind, compassionate soul found the ring that night. She left a message with the gym for them to pass her phone number to whoever came looking for the ring. Problem - the gym lost her name and phone number.

The gym allowed me to post fliers in the ladies' locker room on Friday, and by Saturday morning I received a call from Jennifer. Thank God for kind finders who take pity on hapless losers.

Special Olympics

2008-06-07T21:09:00.005-04:00

Thanks to a friend, Mike and I got connected with the Special Olympics' summer games which were held in Richmond June 6-7. We had the extreme honor of escorting a group of 11 pentathletes to their various events, and even with the brutal heat we had an awesome time! Here are some shots from the days.

Jo-seth clearing the high jump bar.

Tony (in back) and Amir run for the finish line.

Carlos the kangaroo. This guy was awesome! He ran the 100 in 13.1 seconds, jumped 4'7" and won every event in the pentathlon.

This guy was last in his heat during the 100 meter race, but the crowd cheered as though he were the first to cross the line.

Katie (in back) and Abria head for the finish line.

Shakib, Danilo, Jonathan, Carlos and Michael - friends more than competitors.

Camera fun

2008-06-06T20:43:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to learn how to use the aperture and shutter speed features on my camera, so I took it out this evening to see what I could capture.

My only complaint with the Canon Powershot is that it tends to focus on what it wants when I zoom in. Not so great when there are multiple objects in the shot and you are wanting to focus on only one item.

Night of the Bat

2008-05-28T21:21:00.006-04:00

You can't make this stuff up! Last night we were chilling in our living room with Ethan the intern, when lo and behold we were swooped upon by a bat. Yes. A friggin bat. We have no idea how the thing got into the house. But thanks to Ethan's quick thinking and a pair of sturdy work gloves, he was able to remove the bat from the house.

I should mention that my husband ran from the room like a girl. I hid under a blanket.

My Doppelganger

2008-05-22T20:26:00.003-04:00

This video is great for 2 reasons:

1. the lady looks like me on a bad hair day

2. the lady makes things up, just like me :)

Language Barrier

2008-05-15T14:25:00.000-04:00

I think what we have here is a failure to communicate!

Hiking Ft. Pickins

2008-05-07T20:49:00.004-04:00

We rode the sea doo a few miles from our hotel to an old fort that originally was constructed during the Spanish-American War. Ft. Pickins also played a role in the Civil War and WWII (it's interesting to see the varying construction/architectural details from each era). Sadly, the fort also served as a jail to a few dozen Apache Indians during the late 1800s. Here are some shots from our excursion ...

As a note, to obey the cannon's orders to "keep off gun" I crawled beneath the cart it is sitting on and stood up in just the right place to be photographed. I also didn't actually touch the gun just in case it was rigged with alarms :)

Photos of Beach and Croquet

2008-05-06T10:09:00.005-04:00

Mike's Transition to the Sea

Hit that ball!

Yay, mom!

Dad distracted by Willie

Group shot

We played 3 rounds, and I think my dad won 2 of them. Yeah, we won't hear the last of this for a while.

Fatal Dinner

2008-05-04T12:55:00.002-04:00

I inherited my odd sense of humor from my dad. That should tell you something about him. Anyway, last night we had some excess spaghetti sauce, so my dad decided to create a safari. Here are the results.

Unfortunately, one didn't survive.

You Asked for It

2008-05-01T19:16:00.004-04:00

Mike has been banned from work. Despite the fact that his dr says he most likely doesn't have noro, they still won't let him in the building due to his continuing symptoms.

Yesterday, I began developing a sore throat with lots of icky sinus junk. As is typical for me, the ick began trickling down my throat and into my belly. I started getting nauseated in the afternoon and had to make a mad dash for the loo. Thus, I too was blacklisted from work. I tried explaining that the nausea was tied to a cold, not noro, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.

I felt really bad for the maintenance folks who were called in to quarantine the bathroom in which I had relieved myself. They had to do a thorough scrubbing of every surface. THEN they had to go to my desk to clean everything there, too. Geez. I guess I understand the need to be super cautious, but I didn't think so much fuss would be made over one little expulsion. I did hear that someone else in my area got sick today, but I claim no responsibility for it!

Oh, and we made local news. Yay for us :)

Prayer for Pets

2008-04-30T18:41:00.003-04:00

I've been racking my brain for topics to post about. I guess I could show you the stack of paperwork we received from the adoption agency so you could see the 10 lbs of information we have to provide - but that's boring. Or, I could tell you all about the Norovirus that infected 100 people at work, forcing us to close down for 2 days so they could decontaminate our work area. Oh - and my husband got it, too. But that's kind of gross.

Instead, I thought I'd share with you photos of my dogs. Hey, Mother's Day is around the corner, and right now these mongrels are all I got in the way of children. I will offer this prayer request, too. Mike and I are talking about going to Spain next year for 2 years, and we'll need a foster home for these mutts while we're gone. So please begin praying now that we'll find the right home for these lovable critters (they really are sweeties!)

Heidi, who is wild at heart

Rolling in the dirt is her favorite past time

She can get so filthy!

Dakota is a few years older than Heidi, and is her complete opposite. Dakota is camera shy, and tends to be timid. Whereas Heidi would jump first and look later, Dakota is very cautious. In many ways, Heidi reflects my personality and Dakota mirrors Mike.

Could we be Wrong

2008-04-03T11:41:00.002-04:00

Global warming and being "green" are all the rage now, but it seems like we may have jumped too early onto anything that hinted at helping the earth. Case in point, Time magazine reports that ethanol may not be the boon we thought it was. I think National Geographic had a similar report not too long ago. In fact, Time has this chilling information:

" ... by diverting grain and oilseed crops from dinner plates to fuel tanks, biofuels are jacking up world food prices and endangering the hungry. The grain it takes to fill an SUV tank with ethanol could feed a person for a year. Harvests are being plucked to fuel our cars instead of ourselves."

I am all for saving the environment, but it seems like there should be a way we can do that without stealing food from the hungry.

Adoption Decisions

2008-03-28T21:29:00.003-04:00

Mike and I met with a representative from Children's Home Society, a local non-profit agency that facilitates adoption of infants and older children in Virginia. They're a fairly small operation - they placed only 26 children last year - but they seem very passionate about the children with whom they are entrusted. Monday night we'll meet with a rep. from Bethany Christian Adoption Services, a national agency that serves to help Christian families adopt. Currently, we're leaning toward pursuing a domestic infant adoption, but we've just started the investigative process regarding adoption and may decide to do something entirely different.

From what we've heard, the entire process can take up to a year (sometimes more).

Please pray for us as we try to discern God's will in this. We have so many decisions to make in this whole process, and we truly want to know what to do and when. Honestly, my greatest fear is that we would be chosen by a birth parent, only to have the adoption fall through. Given our past experiences, I'm just not sure I could handle such disappointment again.

Wrenched Heart

2008-03-26T21:14:00.003-04:00

Today I heard that one of the brothers of our former foster son was forced to leave the home. To give back story: Mike and I cared for a 17-month-old precious boy for about 9 months a few years ago. Brandon had several half siblings from various fathers, but he was close to two brothers in particular. Around the 7 month mark, Brandon's brothers were moved to a home that was willing to adopt them. We were reassured by our social worker that there were no plans to move Brandon, and that they were proceeding with severing parental rights so the boys could be adopted. Two months after that conversation, our social worker scheduled a meeting to tell us she had changed her mind about Brandon, and she was going to move him to the other home. We were devastated, crushed, furious, confused and pierced.

My one comfort was knowing that Brandon would be reunited with his brothers, whom he loved dearly. The rest I entrusted into God's care.

Well, turns out that Brandon's oldest brother became a wee violent with his foster mother (soon-to-be adoptive mother) and he was kicked out of the home.

There's not a single part of my heart that is happy about this. I feel grieved for the brother, whose life has now become infinitely more complicated. I feel vindicated in that perhaps the social worker may finally see that her perfect plan wasn't so fool-proof. I wonder why it all played out this way and how Brandon is coping with this sudden change to his life. And I hope even stronger that Brandon and his brothers will someday find the love and security they deserve, despite the efforts of social services.

4,000: Not Just Another Number

2008-03-24T15:02:00.002-04:00

Dick Cheney recently gave an interview with ABC News correspondent, Martha Raddatz. She started the interview by asking what affect the 4,000 US casualties in Iraq might have on the war. He replied:

... the biggest burden is carried by President George W. Bush, who made the decision to commit US troops to war, and reminded the public that U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan volunteered for duty.

I wonder if good ole Dick knows how heartless such a comment looks in print.

Silent Speaking

2008-03-24T11:53:00.002-04:00

Nearly 4 years ago, Mike’s father unexpectedly died from a heart attack. I remember going to eat with a friend weeks after Bert’s death, and telling the friend that I didn’t know if I could trust God anymore. He asked me what it would take for me to believe and I said, “I just want to see God. I want to see a situation so irreversible and horrible that only God can be credited with saving the person or situation. I want to see Him answer prayer or somehow prove that He cares when we cry to Him.” Recently I lamented to several folks that I still hadn’t seen or “felt” God in an undeniable way.

This past weekend I was continued my reading of Job and came across a verse that truly spoke to my heart. One young dude responds to Job’s complaints that God has falsely accused Job and is now ignoring him. The young dude says, “Why do you take Him (God) to court for not answering anything a person asks? For God speaks time and again, but a person may not notice it. In a dream, a vision in the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber on their beds, He uncovers their ears at that time …”

Could it be that God has been speaking and acting and either I’ve been oblivious or I’ve attributed His voice to someone/something else?

China May Want to Re-Translate some Signs

2008-03-20T14:00:00.002-04:00