Contrast in Responses

Mike and I have been on the infertility bandwagon for a number of years and have tried numerous paths to have a family. In 2006, we began fostering a toddler boy who we had the privilege to love and nurture for 9 months. We actually began to hope we would be able to adopt him, but in Feb. 2007, we received news that social services was going to place him in a family that could adopt him and 2 of his half-brothers.

I think this was the first time I recall going through every phase of grief - but not in a good way. I bargained with God, pleaded with Him, refused to accept the decision, fought against the decision, waited for God, grew impatient with Him and tried to "fix" the situation myself, and finally resigned myself to the decision. I was left broken, bitter, angry and completely separated from God. It took me a full year to realize that what had happened probably was the best result for our foster son, and that God wasn't some cold-hearted being who delighted in my suffering. 

Nearly 2 years to the day that we lost our foster son, we received news that the precious baby for whom we had prayed and embraced was on the verge of being lost by us, too. This time, though, I found myself running to God. Even as I drove across town bleeding and cramping, I put on a praise CD and kept repeating, "Even in this I trust You, even in this." 

I still pray this pregnancy will continue through the 9th month and that our baby will remain healthy and strong during his or her hibernation. But I've come to trust that whatever the outcome, I can lean on God and trust His heart.

The Good, Bad and Scary

Recap:

Jan 17 - had 2 embryos implanted as part of Invitro fertilization with donated embryos

Jan. 28 - learned that at least one embryo had "taken" and we were pregnant

Feb. 11 - woke up with cramps and found that I was spotting. Also passed a blood clot. Went to the ER where they diagnosed me as having a threatened miscarriage

Feb. 12 - saw my regular ob-gyn who said the bleeding was normal and is called "implantation bleeding." Also learned that we are expecting one baby. Labs normal, heart rate 140 beats/min.

Feb. 17 - started heavy cramping and bleeding around 4:30 pm. Bleeding lasted 2 hrs., cramps lasted 6 hrs.

Feb. 18 - returned to regular ob-gyn's office, but she wasn't available. A med. student did the ultrasound, which looked to show an empty uterus, but test was inconclusive. Had blood drawn, which showed my hCG levels had dropped. The test results plus my symptoms led dr. to diagnose me as having had a miscarriage.

Feb. 20 - returned to ob-gyn to make sure all tissue had passed. During ultrasound discovered that baby is still there, has a visible heart flicker and appears to have grown. No bleeding or cramping since Feb. 17.

My regular ob-gyn referred us to a periantologist for some extensive scans of the baby to see what is causing the bleeding. The ultrasound revealed a robust baby with 2 visible arm buds and a large head. We also heard the heartbeat (180 beats/min). The scan also showed a well of old blood in the uterus left over from my hemorrhage (in scan above, the blood is the dark arc above the right side of the placenta). The well of blood is easily larger than the baby and seems to be coming out of the placenta.

The dr explained that of 1000 pregnant women who bleed, about half end up with miscarriages and half end up with healthy pregnancies. Given the amount of blood still in my uterus, he said my chances of having a miscarriage are about 75-80%. 

He said he really can't predict how this pregnancy will end, but encouraged us to pray since that will be the only thing that saves this baby. Thankfully, it doesn't appear that the bleeding has affected the baby's development. He also said there's a chance my body may just absorb the blood and I'll go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

I'm scheduled to return to the periantologist in 4 wks. By then he expects 1 of 2 results: either I've had a miscarriage, or the scan will show the blood has disappeared.

Praise:

- baby continues to look healthy

- no bleeding or cramping for more than a week

Prayer:

- for the blood to disappear

- for Baby Conner to stay nestled and protected in the womb

 

Sad day

Last night around 4:30 I started cramping and bleeding pretty heavily. I called my dr and she said I could either come in to the ER or wait until this morning to come in for an appointment. I opted for the second choice, and this morning they did an ultrasound and blood test. Everything is pointing to me having had a miscarriage last night. My primary ob/gyn wasn't in the office so she wants me to return Friday morning just to verify the results, but I'm not holding out hope that the results will be any different than today.

I've already called the fertility clinic in TN and we're looking to have another embryo transfer in May. That'll give us several months to heal and re-prepare for the journey once again.

Right now I can say that Mike and I are ok and hopeful for the future. Tomorrow, depending on when you ask, I might have a different answer. Trying to stay strong, hopeful and focused.

7 Weeks

Today, baby sea monkey is about the size of a blueberry. Mike hates that I'm calling the baby a sea monkey, but until he/she drops the tails and gills, that's the only name that seems fitting. Besides, our nieces and nephews call Mike "Uncle Monkey" so it kind of goes with the tradition.

We had our 6-week appointment last week and got to see the baby on an ultrasound. We even saw his/her lil heart thumping away at 144 beats a minute. All looks good and normal (yay for normalcy!) Next up ... hopefully weaning off the twice-a-day progesterone injections. I don't know who will be happier - me or Mike.

Choking Weeds

A few weeks ago I studied Jesus' story about a sower who threw out seeds, and the seeds fell on various types of ground. One type of ground allowed the seed to sprout and grow, but immediately produced weeds and vines to choke the new growth. The story is talking about various heart conditions (=ground) and how they receive the Gospel (=seed). However, for today's post, I'm going to say that the story could also be about how the cares of the world can choke out joy.

Just last Wednesday Mike and I were rejoicing over our good news about the expecting baby. We sailed on that cloud for several days and relished every moment we got to tell someone our news. There were times we'd just glance at each other and start smiling a goofy grin of pure giddiness.

Then this weekend I began worrying. How are we going to provide for this child? Will I be able to stay at home or will I need to keep working? What kind of job could I find that would allow me flexibility to be at home when I need to be and still earn enough money to keep us from becoming homeless? And I have only a year to figure it all out!

How silly is this? How quickly I allow worries about future decisions steal my joy about current situations. So once again God is reminding me to trust Him for even these things and to rest in his peace.

Baby Alien

I've been reading this book my mom bought me called "From Conception to Birth." It photographically chronicles the development and growth of a baby during it's 9 month hibernation, and is really quite remarkable. The only weird thing is seeing photos like the one above and realizing that the baby looks more like a sea monkey than a human. Some of my favorite photos show the baby's tail, gills and ears near the base of the skull. Part of me marvels at how something so odd gradually rearranges itself and develops into a perfectly-formed child. The other part looks and goes, "Ewww!"

And, and, and ...

We're pregnant! Oh, dear heavens, can it be real? I'm still whirling with the news. Right now we just know it's a positive. I'll go back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the numbers to make sure the HCg is doubling like it should. One nurse said our due date would be Oct. 4, but that seems awfully early. Guess we'll find out at our ultrasound in February.

For now, I'm just going to savor the moment.

Big Day

Today I have my first interview in the "job fair" process of matching me to a new assignment. There are 24 administrative folks who are being displaced, and we are all interviewing for 36 positions. Pro is none of us are losing our jobs. Con is trying to decide where I think I'd be best suited given the job, environment, supervisor and my personality/gifts.

Today I'll also get the first initial results from my blood test. I was told that the results could be inconclusive until Friday's test, but that if the result is negative then that's that.

I told Mike this morning that I really haven't felt stressed or anxious at all, and that's mostly true (I think I had a moment one I started to worry, but that was at least a few days ago :) Now I just sense peace. Even if the result is negative I trust that all is well and I refuse to give up hope. Already God has shown that His timing and methods are usually not what I anticipate, which can make for an eventful life!

The nerve!

Ok, not to be overly dramatic, but I seriously think I've hit this nerve every morning when I go to do my injections on the right side. And if not this nerve, then one like it.

I've tried several different areas on the right side and only once have I been able to do the injection on the first try without feeling like fire is pouring into my backside.

What am I doing wrong?? Ok, maybe this is better answered by a doctor or nurse. But, I've talked to 2 nurses and a doctor about where I'm supposed to be doing the injection and all 3 have given different answers. One nurse said to aim for the bone right above the cheek but before you get to the vertebrae. Another nurse said to do it on the side right above the hip bone. And the dr said to aim for the outer right quadrant of the cheek (which is what the internet said to do but it still hurts!)

I don't mind the injections necessarily; the left side works great and I can finish it in a few minutes with minimal pain. But the right side is not working for me right now.

Job and Bloating (2 not related)

I have my interview with SHR next Wednesday 3-4. For those who don't know, all the administrative jobs in my area are being phased out as of July 1. Thus, SHR is doing a job-fair type of thing whereby they try to match 25 of us newly displaced workers with 36 new job openings. We first interview with SHR, and then the top 4-5 candidates for each job will interview with the prospective managers. Sometime around March 9 we'll find out what jobs we were matched with. So next week's interview is pretty important. Hope I don't say something inflammatory :)

Also, I've been having lots of cramping and bloating since the transfer last Saturday. The dr had said I could expect some of this, but it still has me sort of worried. I did the dreadful thing of checking out a message board, and one lady said her doctor told her progesterone causes the uterus to stretch - thus causing cramping. So I feel a little better about it. I just hate not knowing what is "normal" but I need to relax and simply wait for my blood tests next week to know for sure if the embryos took or not.

Hunka, hunka burnin' love

For the past 3 days I have been battling serious heartburn. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me since I typically have no digestion issues. I mean, this is the girl who went to India and used water for brushing her teeth, who drank from the faucet in Russia, who ate unmentionables in Vietnam, and who hung out with dysentery victims in Uganda and I've NEVER had stomach problems. Thanks to the web I discovered that progesterone (the hormone I've been shooting into my hip twice a day) relaxes the muscle between the esophagus and stomach, thus producing heartburn.

Sadly, the website's recommendation is to cut out caffeine (no coffee) , tomato-based foods (no lasagna or pizza), citrus fruit (no oranges), sodium-high foods (no popcorn) , fried foods (no fried okra) and chocolate (no happiness). Mike said I should start living off of rice cakes.

Oh well. Such a small sacrifice for a good purpose. I welcome any tips, though, from past or current moms who dealt with the same issue.

Today I am ...

- resting and thankful for a successful frozen embryo transplant (FET) this morning

- glad that the doctor showed us how to do the progesterone injections correctly. Turns out my nurse had told Mike the wrong location for the injections, and he's been sticking me near or on a nerve. No wonder they hurt so bad!

- am praying for the 2 wee embryos in me and am excited to think of the future

Break from injections

A few weeks ago, I received orders from the clinic to start doing Lupron injections. Now, most likely you're new to this whole procedure like I was, so let me tell you ... giving yourself an injection in the tummy is harder than it looks. Most of it is psychological, but I swear that those first few times my knees would feel a little weak as I'd see that long, slender metal tip disappear into the folds of my flesh. I think I'm a pro at it now - right as it's time to stop.

I did the injections for about 21 days. At one point I had a ginormous bruise to the right of my belly button. It was about the same time that I had to have blood drawn for some testing. The blood-drawing techie missed the vein in my arm and decided to go "fishing" for it with her needle. A few days later I had a bruise on my arm the size of a 50 cent piece. That, coupled with my tummy bruise, made for quite a picture. I meant to take a photo so I could one day tell our baby, "Look what mommy went through to have you!" - but I figure guilt-tripping kids isn't the best parenting method.

The bruises have faded (thankfully) and the injections have ceased, for now. Next week starts a whole new round of shots, but these have to be administered in my hip by my lovely husband (who is quite ecstatic at the thought of injecting me). These shots will probably hurt much worse because the needles are about 3 inches long. Good thing I can't see anything when he's doing it!

Even now I can say I know all these injections and procedures will be worth it when we have a sweet baby. Our procedure date is Jan. 17 - just over a week away! We've been waiting for this date for so long that in many ways I can't believe it's right around the corner!!

Possible solution??

Hmmm ... maybe I should start poking and stalking more people

Bonding

This past New Year's Day, Mike and I had Thursday-Sunday off from work. Four glorious days to do whatever we wanted to do. The first day we lazed about and watched movies, ran errands, enjoyed some alone time. Same for the second day. But by the third day, we were hungry for company. We called some friends ... and left a message. We called family, but they were busy. Finally, we resigned ourselves to meandering through shopping centers and bookstores just to be among other people.

Why is it so hard to develop community and relationships? That's not to say our friendships are shallow and fake. But maybe we don't have enough friends. Or maybe our friendships are more of a casual friendliness rather than deep, day-to-day type of relationships.

Mankind was built to have and enjoy relationships - with each other and with our Father. On lonely days like what we experienced last week, I literally hunger for some kind of human contact - even if it's just for a few hours.

Please don't hear this as a lame plea similar to someone standing on a street corner with a sign that reads, "Be My Friend." Rather, I'm trying to understand if this isolation is global or limited to the US. Also, is there a "cure" or remedy to the problem? How can we go about developing lasting, deep friendships in a culture that values personal space?

Joyful, joyful

I've written so many posts of late where I air my concerns and lament my stresses, that I want to give a shout out for the amazing ways God has blessed me this week. Here's a quick summary (the last is the best)

- I started another drama class this week. Last session I had 9 kids and innumerable behavioral problems (one student was asked not to return). This session I have 16 children, and I believe they are the cream of the crop. After our first class I had several declare this is their favorite class, and they are looking forward to next week. I like that kind of enthusiasm! Better yet, they seem to be all well-behaved, mature children.

- last week Mike finally received the promotion that he had been promised nearly 6 months ago. He already was doing the work involved, but he had not received the title or pay raise to go with the responsibilities. Our company was generous and offered him a 22% increase in salary

- we received a call at 3:30 Tuesday night from the embryo clinic saying they were faxing over the profiles on embryo donors. We needed to decide on which donor we wanted and decide fast! Other couples were getting the same information at the same time, and it was first come, first served.

Mike and I decided on 1 couple that night, but really needed God's peace about the whole thing. All we had to go on was brief physical descriptions of the donors and only 7 profiles to choose from. I called the clinic the first thing Wednesday and heard the beautiful words, "The other couples haven't chosen yet because I was waiting to hear what your selection was." After Mike and I told her our choice, she faxed over a more detailed bio on the husband and wife. Would you believe, it's like reading our own bios.

The husband is the same age as Mike, the wife is within 2 years of my age. Both have curly hair. Both share our body build, skin tone and eye color. The husband plays soccer, the wife majored in communications. Better still. The couple had 5 strong, healthy embryos to donate. The wife ended up pregnant with triplets when she used her other embryos. (I'm not wishing for triplets, but it tells us she had a good success rate)

After reading the detailed information, we really felt God's peace and assurance. So, this week we are rejoicing in God's goodness and His ability to answer prayers (from big to small).

War on Fleas (WoF) - week 1

The Smuggler - we think the fleas hitched a ride on Jon Cat

Look at his fierce claws - these are the talons of a killer

The Execution

The Dead

We've heard that it sometimes takes several weeks of consecutive flea bombing to thoroughly kill off the critters. We haven't seen any hoppers since our first treatment, so hopefully that took care of the problem

Declaring War

Normally I'm a pacifist all in favor of finding peaceful solutions to conflicts, but today I have re-evaluated my stance. Today I became an all-you-can-eat buffet for fleas. I've counted 20 bites thus far on my legs, abdomen, back and arms. We tried vacuuming, washing linens and even taking vitamin B1 (one website said this supplement deters fleas from biting - ha!) Mike and I plan to bomb the house tomorrow, and hopefully find something to spray the yard. I'm open to any other tips!

Schizophrenic Reading List

I’m reading a book written by a freelance writer who gives advice to folks seeking to bust out of the standard 9-to-5 model of work. She asks questions in the first chapter to help stimulate the reader’s thought process regarding what kind of work the reader really would be interested in doing. One of the questions guides the reader to look at hobbies and interests.

By doing so, I now realize I suffer from flight of thought – which my dad gratefully reminds me is a symptom of Schizophrenia.

See, my hobby is reading – particularly anything to do with history. The Schizophrenia part comes in when one looks at my list of materials. A month ago I was obsessed with Henry VIII and the history of his life, wives and reign. I must have read at least 4 books on this topic in just a month.

This month, I’m obsessed with learning all I can about World War II, particularly focusing on the Holocaust. I’m re-reading Wiesel’s “Night” and have checked out other books on this topic – all biographical stories from people who were in Europe during WWII and were touched by the Holocaust. I’m also re-watching “Band of Brothers” and hope to meet with a local widow who is Jewish and escaped from Europe during WWII.

Earlier this year my reading list consisted of nothing but books about the history of Spain, starting with Queen Isabella and going through the last dictator, Franco.

Now if only I could turn this flight of thought and fancy into a career path ….

Have I mentioned I love autumn?