Have you ever experienced emotional turmoil so bitter that it felt as though your heart was ripped from your chest leaving a sucking chest wound? And, to add insult to injury, your heart was then trampled, trashed and bruised while you helplessly watched the destruction.
I remember the first time I felt such angst was when my college roommate of 3 years left our dorm room for the final time. I was graduating the following day and knew that her departure was the beginning of the end. As her car pulled away, loaded with pillows and clothes, I grieved the loss of her friendship and the end of a sweet time in my life. I remember calling my mom and sobbing about how my chest hurt so much at the thought of saying bye to so many people and experiences, and that I didn't think I could make it.
Today, I experienced the same feelings of anguish and despair so bitterly that I again wondered whether I would make it. Brandon visited with his birth mother today for the second time, and each time he meets with her I wonder whether he'll return the same little boy that left my arms. Mike is angry and frustrated with the situation, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, strong and understanding for him. On top of this, I'm not sleeping well and my grandmother tried to commit suicide yesterday.
I try to cheer myself by reminding myself that there are people in the world who have it much worse than myself, and that this to shall pass. But there are times when the weight is so heavy and the burden so distressing that I do wonder when will it pass and when will the storm end.
Not to lament too much, I want to end with lyrics to a song that have been comforting me today. I can't remember the singer's name, but I remember his words of solace:
"Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'Peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean that He will.
Sometimes He holds us close while the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."
2 comments:
i appreciate your perspective and your questions. its rare to find people who are capable of grasping the paradoxes of life. usually its an "either/or" proposition. faith requires "both/and."
Brittany,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your anguished battle with the Lord. I all too well understand these deep valleys of grief, doubt, and questioning and have come through similar seasons with a deeper understanding of and love for who God is. I'm not the kind who looks for the easy, Sunday School answers to life.
As Job struggled through his grief, he finally came to the place that he said, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him." You mentioned the Lord asking the same in an earlier blog, "Even in this, will you trust Me?"
There are some strange verses I'm coming to lean on in the midst of trial . . . I question God so much, like Job when everything of value in his life was removed. He can certainly handle our deep questions, even our "Why" questions. He has questions for us too (see Job 38-39), and I've come to realize that while His questions sort of put in my place, they're also inifinitely reassuring of the Lord's sovereignty and mercy . . . in an ironic sort of way.
"Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?" - Isaiah 40:13-14
Love you, dear. You are precious in His sight.
Heather Gary
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