I know all the stuff about how we are saved by faith and not by works, and that God loves us how we are where we are no matter what. And I really thought I was secure enough in my relationship with God that I didn’t fear His rejection or disapproval.
But try as I may, there’s this ingrained theory within me that still says I have to be good enough to earn God’s love and approval. When I go 3 or 4 days without praying or spending time with my Father, my first feeling is guilt. I then feel like I have to come crawling back to God, roll over in submission and do some kind of penitence before He’ll hear my new prayers.
I also fear disappointing Him. Mike and I have been investigating various fertility treatments since it ain’t gonna happen the old fashion way. We have lots of options to choose from, but there’s this nagging fear that keeps prompting me with doubts. Should we pursue medical intervention or should we wait for God to perform a miracle? If we seek intervention is that the same as Abram and Sarai creating their own plans to have a baby (through a slave)? Are we circumventing God’s will and timing by pursuing other methods to have a baby? By turning to science and doctors, are we turning away from God and faith in His ability to make this happen? And, I think the biggest question, will God bless this or are we leaping off a cliff out of His will and away from His blessing?
But try as I may, there’s this ingrained theory within me that still says I have to be good enough to earn God’s love and approval. When I go 3 or 4 days without praying or spending time with my Father, my first feeling is guilt. I then feel like I have to come crawling back to God, roll over in submission and do some kind of penitence before He’ll hear my new prayers.
I also fear disappointing Him. Mike and I have been investigating various fertility treatments since it ain’t gonna happen the old fashion way. We have lots of options to choose from, but there’s this nagging fear that keeps prompting me with doubts. Should we pursue medical intervention or should we wait for God to perform a miracle? If we seek intervention is that the same as Abram and Sarai creating their own plans to have a baby (through a slave)? Are we circumventing God’s will and timing by pursuing other methods to have a baby? By turning to science and doctors, are we turning away from God and faith in His ability to make this happen? And, I think the biggest question, will God bless this or are we leaping off a cliff out of His will and away from His blessing?
1 comment:
brittany, i will be praying for you. my bestfriend is in the same situation as you are. she has been trying to have a child for over 8 years now. they have chosen to go the adoption route. it has been a very emotional struggle for them, as well as spiritual.
anyway, you are asking if going the medical route will be giving up on God. can i ask if God promised you, as he did Abraham and Sarai, that he was going to give you a child? i think that is key in comparing your situation with theirs. God told Abraham that the son would come from his own body. i won't presume to know what you have heard from God, and i certainly don't want to appear to know what you are going through. my prayer for you is that you won't heap guilt on yourself. all i know is that whatever you decide, God will honor your desire to be obedient to him. he knows your heart. he knows you long to do as he wishes. and if you decide to investigate the medical route, know he is part of that process too. after all, who gave the doctor's the knowledge that they need to do their job? you are in my prayers.
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