Baby A and the Badonkadonk Fibroid

Yesterday was our first perinatal visit and we had the great pleasure of seeing Dr. C. Unlike some other doctors we've seen, he didn't pressure us to consider selective reduction, and he was very optimistic regarding the health of me and the triplets. Some things we learned:

• Baby C is almost certainly a boy
• Baby B loves having his/her photo taken
• All babies are about the same length and have similar heart rates
• Baby B is the one who has been giving me flutters

Toward the end of the ultrasound, the tech saw something troubling. She switched to the Magic Wand and called in Dr. C. For 2 minutes, my heart was pounding as I listened to them consult each other and speculate as to what it was they were seeing. Dr. C. finally said he thinks it's just a fibroid on my uterus. He used some special term but all I heard was Badonkadonk Fibroid. So all is well with that.

Dr. C's parting comment regarded Baby A. He said Baby A's yolk sac is larger than the other two's but not so big that it's in the Danger Zone. When yolk sacs are exceptionally large it can indicate possible chromosomal disorders. So for now we just wait until my next appointment to see if there's been any change. Dr. C said he's not worried - he just mentions the yolk sac as something we'll have to monitor in the future.

So that's where we are. A fairly good report now that we are officially past the first trimester!

Season's Firsts

First apple 

First bubbles

First eggs

First ponytail

First skinned knee

Just a cute photo

Living Alone, Dying Aloner

Our street is fairly secluded, with just three houses constituting our neighborhood. Our neighbor across the street lives in his other house during the weekends, and returns here during the week. He works long hours but we occasionally see him lounging on his porch petting our cat (who thinks he belongs to the neighbors - but that's another story).

Our nearby neighbor lived alone and was rarely seen. He was very kind and friendly when we would pass him on the street, but we often joked that Lamar could die and no one would know. He had no living family and we never saw anyone visiting at his house.

This past Monday our prediction came true. Lamar died on March 24 but wasn't discovered for four days. His obituary did not list names of any relatives or friends, and made a passing comment to a car club to which he belonged.

I don't know Lamar's situation and do not know if his loneliness was by choice or by situation. But I know it is sad to think of someone going days without connecting with another human being, and even worse to think someone could die and not be missed for several days.

Cutest Tempest

I must say, the tantrums are coming fewer each day and with less ferocity. Maybe she's starting to outgrow them (or at least realize they are not achieving her goals).

Days like today, though, remind me of how much I love just being home with my wee lil lass.

Positive side of tantrums

My daughter loves a good tantrum, and really, who doesn't? Sometimes she indulges in a good head-wack, heel-thump just for the heck of it. Once in a blue moon I discover the source of her malcontent. Often, though, I'm left confounded. Was it the grapes? Did she want the blue shirt instead of the red? What does "uhhh" mean?

It's very easy for me to get frustrated and whisper, "What is wrong with you?" After 3 tantrums within the first hour of her waking, I sometimes wonder if she enjoys slamming her head on the floor.

So I take a breath and force myself to think of the positive side of tantrums.

1. My daughter is very passionate. I honestly think part of her frustration is that she has more energy and emotion than she knows how to express.

2. My daughter has conviction. She knows what she wants and is not easily swayed. This will be a great characteristic when she's older and is faced with temptation to do what she knows to be wrong.

3. My daughter is tenacious. She won't be one to quickly relinquish her goals or desires. She will be the one who runs full out toward her destination even if everyone else stops and tries to rein her in.

4. My daughter is tough. She bounds back from superficial wounds as though they were mere flesh wounds. She does not worry over scratches, bumps, bruises or scuffs. She's a fighter, and she's tough.

5. My daughter is uniquely gifted and crafted by God. He will have His hands full trying to teach her submission. I have a feeling, though, that once she falls passionately in love with her Creator there will be nothing holding her back. We are in for an exciting journey!

I blame the vitamins

Two sinus infections in a month. This, after going nearly a year without neither sniffle nor sneeze. And the topper is that typically, my daughter inherits whatever infection I catch. Sometimes she's kind enough to stagger her cold with mine, but occasionally she thinks misery loves company and she times her sickness to coincide with mine.

After much investigative thinking (conducted while curled up in bed watching "Pride and Prejudice" - the one with Keira Knightly), I have found the problem.

I blame the vitamins.

Seems all this sickness began about the time I started taking vitamins on a regular basis. Silly me listened to my doctor and husband who insisted that I take vitamins.

Ha, I say, ha! Maybe even a "fie!" just to round it out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go drink some Hillbilly Cough Medicine and snuggle with a pillow.

Voted Most Valuable Person

I love checklists. There's a sense of purpose and accomplishment to look at a list of tasks and be able to cross off achievements:
Pay bill ✓
Drink coffee ✓
Schedule doctor appointment ✓
Write to friend ✓
Feed baby ✓
Clean bathrooms ✓
Drink more coffee ✓

I confess I tend to peek over my husband's shoulder to compare his list to mine. Aha! My list is longer! Or, if it's shorter, then it's because my tasks took longer to do. So in a very sick sense, I compare our lists and then slip on my judge's robe to determine who has more value to the family.

Why do I do this?

Because I'm insecure. I feel like I have to justify my existence by what I accomplish, and hope it's enough to warrant my being here.

If I were on Survivor, I'd be the one hauling fire wood, gathering berries and building a fire. And at the end of the day I'd point out all my accomplishments as if to tell my tribe mates, "See! I have worth. You can't vote me out."

Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Those who we view as worthy often are not, and those who work behind the scenes often get overlooked. Also, accomplishments do not = worth.

So my desire is to get to a point where I'm not trying to throw everyone else out of the boat in an effort to be crowned Most Valuable. Life is not a drawn out game of King of the Mountain, and I don't have to prove my worth by what I do. But, more importantly, neither does anyone else.

Leprechaun Conspiracy

My husband insists that Cassiopeia isn't a real constellation. Instead, he calls it Onamonapia and creates legends about how the constellation commemorates some shrew of a woman who was banished to the skies.

A few years ago, my father and I found some sea shells in Pensacola Beach and concocted tales about how the shells were relics from spaceships that had crashed on the planet eons ago.

When my youngest brother was in elementary school, he set a mouse trap to catch a leprechaun. While he slept, my father and I tripped the trap and laid at the base a peeled potato that we had carved into the shape of a finger and dyed green. We also put a spurt of ketchup on the end for good effect. I was awaken the next morning to Ashton's sobs as he reported that his trap had maimed some poor leprechaun.

I can't wait for Addison to discover the wonders of a well-used imagination.

Dear Chicken Carcass

It saddens me to think that you preferred death by falling to death by mauling. I know you and your chicken friends probably clucked cheerfully as you were loaded onto the Tyson truck, believing you were going for a scenic drive. When the road turned into a highway, though, I imagine your little chicken brains began to question your assumptions. And then Chatty Chicken, the one who prides herself on knowing everything, began clucking that the end was near and you should all repent for the sins you committed during your short lives. And that's when you made your choice. You would rather risk road rash or death by flinging your feathered body from your gilded cage rather than face whatever horror awaited you at the end of your journey.

So you jumped.

And flopped.

Then smooshed.

I am sad, little beaked friend. You would have been tasty.

I'm pretty sure I stepped on a thigh

Mike and I are gathering with friends for a pre-New Year's Eve bash - complete with two kids under 2 ft tall. I offered to make my amazing, stunning, much asked for lasagna (full disclosure: every other dish I make tends to come out burnt, which may explain why the lasagna is so popular). One problem: I didn't have the necessary ingredients.

"That's fine," I thought. "I'll go after my afternoon nap."

Ha! I couldn't have known that 2/3 of Richmonders had the same thought. My first clue should have been the lioness like cars who were stalking unsuspecting shoppers as they returned to their vehicles. The cars waited in a line until such a pedestrian was noticed, and then stealthily began following the shopper as he or she meandered various parking aisles. The cars then whipped around corners and screeched to a halt, flipped on their blinkers while they waited for their prey to disembark from this existence.

My second clue was the dearth of shopping carts inside the store. And then, finally, in case I had missed every other sign, the most obvious was the serpentine line that wound down various aisles as shoppers waited for an available cashier. Much mutterings and expletives were heard, including the oft-repeated phrase, "The line starts back there."

It took me 5 min. to gather my meager ingredients, and 25 min. to check out. In the rush to find the shortest line, I bumped into no less than 5 other shoppers and stepped on a toe (possibly a thigh; I can't be sure).

So my New Year's Resolution: next year, order pizza.

Thank God for high school boys

Sometimes being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is similar to being a single mom - except I get reprieve most evenings around 4:30 and on weekends. But during the day I have many errands and tasks that must be completed while also appeasing or herding a toddling toddler. If any other SAHMs can relate, I suggest we dub ourselves Professional Multi-Tasking Herders and create our own badges and slogan.

Anywho, today's obstacle challenge was to haul a 50-lb box into a post office for mailing while either dragging, carrying or luring a toddler to follow me. The luring worked up until I set her on the ground. Carrying might have worked had she been willing to sit on the box rather than lie on top of it. I didn't get to the dragging bit because like a knight on a white horse, a high school boy came to my rescue.

He had been in the truck parked near my car and watched as my follies unfolded. He gallantly exited his vehicle and offered to carry my parcel inside for me. What a guy!

Thus today's task was a success and I was able to move on to the next obstacle: herding my now fussy toddling toddler toward her pen ... I mean, crib.

Christmas really is about

This was our first Christmas, really, as a family of 3. Last year Addie was just 3 months old when this festive holiday occurred, so her participation was limited to staring at the tree's twinkling lights. This year we took Addie on 2 tours of the Tacky Christmas Lights, introduced her to movie classics like "The Christmas Story," allowed her to sample Christmas cookies and watched with glee as she ripped into her gifts Christmas morning.

And yet the holiday felt empty.

Some of that hollowness can be attributed to the dearth of spiritual activities. We didn't attend nary a Christmas pageant nor Christmas Eve service. No caroling or singing of any Christmas hymns. No reading of the Christmas story from the Bible. Seemingly no focus at all on the meaning of this season - save for a toy nativity set that Addie received Christmas Eve, which she promptly shoved in her mouth.

So even with all the trappings of the holiday (commercial or otherwise), I still feel like the day came and went without much stirring in my heart. I didn't pause to rejoice at the thought of God becoming man. I didn't contemplate the awe felt by shepherds as they were visited by angels. Nor did I reflect on how Jesus' birth was the first step in His earthly life that would eventually lead to a cross on a hill.

I wish I could hit repeat and re-do this Christmas season because I feel like it passed by without me so much as glancing past the flashiness to see the humble manger.

Classic Indecency

I recently joined a local book club for a few reasons: meet new people, read undiscovered literature, create opportunities for sharing God's love. I eagerly checked out this month's selection, Lady Chatterley's Lover, only to find the book seemed to earn the "classic" designation simply because the author flagrantly defied decency laws when he wrote it. D. H. Lawrence penned this piece of fiction in 1928 from his sanctuary in Italy. Copies of his book eventually were smuggled into the UK, where it ran afoul of their decency laws. A trial was held in 1960, and the UK government eventually loosened laws regarding what was considered obscene.

This post, however, isn't about what four-letter words were used and how often. It's more about my reaction to the book. I read nearly a fourth of the novel before I simply couldn't stand the author's desensitized description of casual sex. In fact, I think the last chapter I completed ended with Lady Chatterley's crippled husband urging her to have sex with other men in order to conceive a child. His one stipulation: she choose men he would approve.

I'm planning to attend the book discussion Tuesday night, but at this point I'm not sure what to say other than I disagree with the author. Sex is not like a conversation in which partners can easily be swapped and traded. And I have yet to meet a man or woman who could say that random sex didn't cost them something as much as it rewarded them.

This should make for an interesting discussion.

Painting with Pudding

The other day we tried an experiment involving vanilla pudding and food coloring. I think it was a smashing success.

Coming Full Circle

So long ago that I can't recall the year, I sat in a German hotel lobby talking with a co-worker/friend about how to strike up a conversation with anyone and how to eventually introduce spiritual topics into the conversation. To date, I had struggled to figure out how to "live my faith" without going door-to-door. I would usually freeze up when opportunities arose to meet a stranger or to say anything of substance.

Flash forward to present day.

One of those mentors, Derek, is now located in Richmond and is looking to plant a church. He and I have continued to email through the years, and he emailed me about the vision God has given him. Mike and I met with Derek and his family plus a few other families to talk about the beginnings of Radiate. I can't wait for this adventure to begin.

Mike and I have talked sporadically for years about being more involved in spreading the Gospel. Now we'll get hands on mentoring in how to start a gathering from scratch, to get a feel for the needs of a city, and to (gulp) meet and converse with strangers.

So in that vein, I am meeting with a group of moms this Tuesday. At one of their homes. To make sushi. And I've never met a single one of them. I'm terrified. But I'm also excited to actually practice what I have learned through the years about making friends and influencing people.

Too Much Time

Addison is almost a year old. How did this happen???

Here's a quick roundup of all that I neglected to communicate:

- I quit my job in June in order to stay home with Addie. It was the best decision I've ever made. I love being a sahm and seeingall her developmental milestones: her crawling, babbling, tooth-growing, etc.

- Addie and I visited my family in July for a few week. It was a good visit but not relaxing by any standard. A friendwisely told me that I have to change my expectations fro

m "vacations are for me to relax" to "vacations are for me to ensure Addie has fun and is safe." The two aren't always the same.

- Mike and I took Addie in August to the OBX and Asheville. We visited a few music halls to listen to down-home bluegrass music, hiked a little, and slept. A lot.

-Now it's Sept. and I'm trying to understand how my baby girl has become an almost toddler. Life is definitely moving on!

Bevis Giggle

We have said that Addison's laugh sounds like Bevis and Butthead and we tried to catch it on camera. This is just a preview because she didn't get rolling like she has in the past.

Addison at Four Months

Almost There

Addison is just at the point of almost rolling over on her own. She gets about halfway on to her side before deciding, "hmmm, I think I like the view better back over on my back." But she's trying.

She's also developed a laugh that is reminiscent of Bevis and Butthead. We've tried to catch it on camera but she's reticent to laugh on cue. Probably because she knows we're mocking her.

Last week Addison topped out at 12.4 lbs. Mike will take her to the dr this week for her 4 month check up. I expect him to say she is still 50 percentile in weight and height, and she still has a large noggin. That's ok; she needs all the space for her brains.

We also battled our first sickness last week. I'd forgotten how difficult it is to function on 4 hrs of sleep each night, but we survived. Mike would hold her from 11 pm - 3 am, and I'd take over until 7 am. Mike then stayed home with her while I trudged off to work. Sigh. My heart and mind were with her even if my body was not.

I'm thinking of writing a book for Addison and calling it, "The You that Almost Wasn't." I want to write down our journey of infertility, tell her about the near miscarriage, explain how she beat the odds to develop full-term and how she truly is a gift from God. Sounds great - now I just need to do it.

Such a big girl

Last week we weighed Addison and she was up to 10 lbs. I noticed today that she's already so long that she barely fits into her 0-3 month sleepers. I'll be curious to hear what her doctor says next Wednesday. I'm not exactly looking forward to the visit, though, because Addison will get her first round of immunizations.

In other growth news, Addison has been sleeping in her crib this past week - and she usually sleeps 10 pm-6 am, and then from 6:30-9. She also eats about 5 oz at each feeding.

She's discovered the firefly mobile above her crib and loves to stare at them as they twirl over her head. She also loves music! I introduced her to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's "A Christmas to Remember" and she fell asleep - not sure if that means she liked it or not, but at least she didn't cry :)

Growing Girl

The doctor says I'm coming along just fine. I'm still 21.5 inches long, but he says the hospital probably over-estimated my length when I was born.

I'm now up to 8 lbs 13 oz. Thanks mom for all the food!

My head is kind of big, though. Dr. says it's in the 70-90%. Guess it has to be big to hold all my brains :)

Five Night Streak

Since this past Sunday, Addison has slept from 10 pm - 3 am, and then from 4 am - 7:30 am. Whoo-hoo! Sleep is so great. She also remains alert from about 7:30 until noon. One book I read said that 1 month olds should be able to remain awake for an hour a time. Guess Addie is ahead of schedule on that growth marker.

We'll find out tomorrow (hopefully) how she measures up in height and weight. She finally outgrew her newborn clothes, mainly because she's so long that her poor legs can't fully stretch out in the newborn sleepers.

Our lil girl is growing!

Recent Discoveries

Addison has extremely strong neck muscles. I mean really strong. She already will pull back from whoever is holding her to stare into their face for a good 20 seconds or so before she does a chest headbutt. She's also become more aware of her surroundings. She already becomes bored with keeping her head steady against the chest of whoever is holding her. She'd much rather look around - especially at light.

We've experienced three nights now with a somewhat normal pattern to her sleeping. She usually goes down around 10 pm, wakes up at 3 am for a feeding, and goes back to sleep until around 7 am. I had been told not to expect her to settle into a pattern until she was at least 6 wks of age but for now she seems to have found a rhythm.

I've been able to give Addison 3 bottles of breastmilk since Sunday night and she seems to be digesting it fine. She just punctuated that last statement with a toot :) We hope to get her back to nursing as soon as possible since the formula makes her gassy and is daggum expensive.

We took Addison on a field trip yesterday to Carter Mountain Orchard. We didn't pick any apples but had fun traipsing through the trees and taking lots of photos. It was the first time I've relied solely on my sling to carry her around, and it worked great! She was pooped by the end of the day, though.

A long time coming

So how do I summarize the past umpteen months? Well, I had a baby. Only took 31.5 hrs of labor and 1 c-section to get her here :) Because of this, i'm also on maternity leave from my job. I started working as a manager in August and was just figuring out the job when I had to leave for the next 3 months.

I've decided to use this blog as a primary means of keeping my 'rents up-to-date on Addison photos and stories. Currently, they are in Pensacola but will be relocating as of January. We wish they'd relocate to VA but we're not God and will adjust to whatever they decide.

Today's Addison story: my mom is trying to get me to hold Addison less so that she doesn't become a baby that must be held at all times. Unfortunately, she's not amenable to this adjustment. Also, today is the second attempt to get her off of formula and back onto breastmilk. I stopped nursing her over a week ago once we learned she has an allergy to dairy protein. I thought I'd be able to put her back on breastmilk within a week, but our first test run a few days didn't go well and the pediatrician said to put her back on formula. Guess we'll be able to tell by tomorrow whether the dairy is completely out of my system.

Momma Conner meet Momma Turtle

We think this turtle is making a nest in our front yard. It's been digging a hole for over an hour, and appears to be straining - so much so that her eyes occasionally turn white. So either she's pregnant or she's constipated.

Not sure what we'll do if this momma indeed lays eggs in our front yard. Mike has talked about building a perimeter around them to protect them - especially from our mafia cat. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Some days are still hard

It's been more than 2 years since Brandon was removed from our home. Since then, he and 1 of his brothers were adopted by the family that had agreed to take in him and his brothers (the other brother was moved to another living situation). I've heard he's doing well and is growing like a weed.

For the most part, I think I've moved beyond the grieving phase but there are still days I miss him. Last week brought many reminders of him and his brief life with us: conversations, photos and dreams. It led to a pretty depressing Saturday as I allowed myself to once again grieve the hole Brandon left in my heart.

I'm ecstatic about the new journey Mike and I are embarking on, and down deep I am happy that Brandon is well and with his brother. But there are some days that are still hard ...

Long awaited update

We're heading to Florida today for a week-long vacation with the 'rents. I haven't seen them since Christmas, so I'm definitely looking forward to it. Oh, and seeing the ocean ain't half bad either!

Earlier this week I started panicking, though, because I was having nosebleeds twice a day (sorry for the ick factor) and random cramping in my lower left ab area. Turns out both symptoms are normal, but I'm still glad my doctor didn't laugh at me when I showed up Tuesday all in a twitter about what was going on. She even did an ultrasound to put my mind at ease. Yeah, that was another concern. At 17 weeks I still hadn't felt Baby Conner move and one of my books said I should have. Books are stupid! My dr said I won't feel Baby Conner until closer to 20 weeks, especially since he/she is my first.

Speaking of he/she - we have a monthly check up on May 14th and I'm hoping to know then whether we should buy pink or blue. And, we'll have another appointment with the perinatologist later in May, so if we don't know the baby's gender on May 14th then we should certainly know by the end of the month. ... assuming baby Conner cooperates!

Non baby update, request for prayer

I hope you keep reading even though I don’t have any baby updates or photos to share. I want to ask you to pray for my parents who are going through a difficult time with their church in Florida. My dad is the pastor, and about a month ago he learned that 2 deacons were circulating a petition to force my dad out. Thankfully, that effort failed as many church members stepped forward to voice their support for my parents. Unfortunately, the efforts to undermine have not stopped. Now, several deacons are blocking my dad’s efforts to ask the lead under-miners to resign from leadership positions in the church (two are deacons and 1 is a Sunday School teacher). At a recent deacon’s meeting, the deacons made it clear that they still resent my dad’s leadership and they will not submit to God’s direction.

So my dad is faced with some tough decisions about how to move ahead. Please pray for him and my mom to have wisdom and God’s peace. Pray for God’s spirit to bring about a humility and repentance among those who continue to fight against God’s direction. And pray for a healing in the church. You can imagine how this is affecting those who see such division and strife, and conclude that Christians really are hypocrites.

Bowing before the Throne

Also known as:

Happiness, thy name is Phenergen

So apparently, it’s not good to vomit more than twice a day like I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. I should say I’ve had good days with no vomiting, but frequent bows before the throne seem to be the norm. This could account for why my weight hasn’t increased in the past 3 weeks. So my lovely doctor has placed me on Phenergen, better known as “I’ll make you so sleepy you won’t know your nauseated” drug. The doctor also put me on some medicine to treat my constant heartburn/acid reflux. I’m supposed to take these when the symptoms aren’t controlled by Tums, Maalox, vitamin B6 and ginger caplets. Oh, and Unisom. If Mike thought I was tired before, he ain’t seen nothing yet!

The baby wasn’t as active today, but he/she did muster enough strength to give his/her poor mommy a high five. I’ll take the encouragement!

Week 13 - Good news!

We returned to the perinatologist (not paleontologist, as I'm apt to call him) and he said everything looks great. The hemorrhage has healed and there is very little evidence of separation with the placenta. He gave me clearance to resume exercising and living normally.

The stats
heart rate: 155 beats a minute
CRL (crown to rump length): 72.7 mm

Baby Conner is one active child! The tech had a hard time getting BC to stay still long enough for photos. And just as I said, "I sure wish I knew if BC was a boy or a girl," the baby curled into the tightest position as if to say, "I ain't showing you nuthin!"

Latest Baby Image

Baby Conner's head is to the left. It was much easier to see his/her arms and legs when he/she was flailing, but you get the idea.

Jumping Mexican Bean

Last Thursday, I had my monthly ob/gyn check up, and boy was it exciting. The dr couldn't find the heartbeat using the traditional ultrasound, so she did an internal ultrasound just to be safe. As soon as she located the baby, Baby Conner began waving his/her arms, kicking his/her legs and jumping. In fact, I think Baby Conner might be a long-jumper based on how he/she'd go from end of the uterus to the other.

Dr didn't do any measurements, but the important issues were covered: Baby Conner is growing, still has a heart beat and is quite active.

I have been bleeding some since Saturday, but it appears to be the old blood that was trapped in my uterus. The perinatologist had told us to expect some bleeding and not to be alarmed unless I also had cramping. We'll return to the perinatologist March 31 to find out if the bleeding in the uterus has dissolved, disappeared or stayed the same.

Conversation with Rachel

Yesterday I called Rachel to get her new phone number (she's moving on Saturday) ...

me: hi, Miss Rachel. It's Brittany

Rachel: oh, hello my love! How are you? How are you feeling?

me: good, I'm doing really well.

Rachel: good. Now I ask you, what are you wearing?

me: I'm wearing pants but they're not tight, I promise! (I've bought a belly band and was wearing that, but didn't explain this to Rachel since she probably hates spandex, too).

Rachel: Are you sure? Because if you are wearing tight clothes I won't talk to you again.

me: I promise, Miss Rachel. Do you want me to put my co-worker on the phone? She'll verify this for me.

Rachel: Why are you laughing? This isn't funny. You'll choke the baby. 

me: Miss Rachel, the baby is fine. I'm fine. We're doing great.

Rachel: ok, ok. You probably shouldn't be at work, either. You need to lay down right now.

Old Lady Rant

I visit an elderly Jewish lady once a week, and already she has shared a plethora of advice - some of it cute, some unfounded, but all spoken with care. This past Saturday I was preparing to leave her home when she called me to her. I expected a farewell hug, but instead I received a pants inspection. She lifted the end of my shirt, pulled my waistband from my tummy and announced I was "sqooishing" the baby. She wagged her finger as she berated me for wearing such tight clothing. I promised to take them off as soon as I got home, but she wasn't satisfied. She unbuttoned the top button and made me leave it that way as I left her home.

I'm in that in-between stage when I've outgrown my normal clothes but haven't grown enough for maternity clothes. If Miss Rachel has her way, I'll be wearing mumus and sweat pants every where I go.

All that bubbles and fizzes

I laid in bed this morning for more than an hour trying to decipher the low throbbing and occasional cramps I was feeling. "Is this more cramping and hemorrhaging? Is it tummy-related, or uterus-related? Ohh .. was that one worse than the one I felt a minute ago? Should I get up or stay in bed?" So went my thinking pattern.

And then I remembered: oh, yes. That's just last night's Taco Bell meal talking back to me.

Oh the joys of second-guessing everything and worrying about each symptom.

9 weeks and counting

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant and baby Conner is now the size of an olive. This is ironic because I HATE olives and Mike has been waiting for the day that I start to crave these greenish orbs. Hasn't happened yet and doubtfully will.

Yesterday and today I've had a break from the nausea that plagued me last week. I've been able to eat just about anything, and as long as I eat frequently then I'm ok.

One thing that's been a challenge is the restrictions I'm under regarding exercise. The perinatologist put me on pretty strict orders to do nothing strenuous, including most forms of exercise. I look forward to warm days when I can at least take afternoon walks.

Still no cramping or any other physical indication that things ain't right. Once again we praise God for one more day, one more week, one more milestone.

Contrast in Responses

Mike and I have been on the infertility bandwagon for a number of years and have tried numerous paths to have a family. In 2006, we began fostering a toddler boy who we had the privilege to love and nurture for 9 months. We actually began to hope we would be able to adopt him, but in Feb. 2007, we received news that social services was going to place him in a family that could adopt him and 2 of his half-brothers.

I think this was the first time I recall going through every phase of grief - but not in a good way. I bargained with God, pleaded with Him, refused to accept the decision, fought against the decision, waited for God, grew impatient with Him and tried to "fix" the situation myself, and finally resigned myself to the decision. I was left broken, bitter, angry and completely separated from God. It took me a full year to realize that what had happened probably was the best result for our foster son, and that God wasn't some cold-hearted being who delighted in my suffering. 

Nearly 2 years to the day that we lost our foster son, we received news that the precious baby for whom we had prayed and embraced was on the verge of being lost by us, too. This time, though, I found myself running to God. Even as I drove across town bleeding and cramping, I put on a praise CD and kept repeating, "Even in this I trust You, even in this." 

I still pray this pregnancy will continue through the 9th month and that our baby will remain healthy and strong during his or her hibernation. But I've come to trust that whatever the outcome, I can lean on God and trust His heart.

The Good, Bad and Scary

Recap:

Jan 17 - had 2 embryos implanted as part of Invitro fertilization with donated embryos

Jan. 28 - learned that at least one embryo had "taken" and we were pregnant

Feb. 11 - woke up with cramps and found that I was spotting. Also passed a blood clot. Went to the ER where they diagnosed me as having a threatened miscarriage

Feb. 12 - saw my regular ob-gyn who said the bleeding was normal and is called "implantation bleeding." Also learned that we are expecting one baby. Labs normal, heart rate 140 beats/min.

Feb. 17 - started heavy cramping and bleeding around 4:30 pm. Bleeding lasted 2 hrs., cramps lasted 6 hrs.

Feb. 18 - returned to regular ob-gyn's office, but she wasn't available. A med. student did the ultrasound, which looked to show an empty uterus, but test was inconclusive. Had blood drawn, which showed my hCG levels had dropped. The test results plus my symptoms led dr. to diagnose me as having had a miscarriage.

Feb. 20 - returned to ob-gyn to make sure all tissue had passed. During ultrasound discovered that baby is still there, has a visible heart flicker and appears to have grown. No bleeding or cramping since Feb. 17.

My regular ob-gyn referred us to a periantologist for some extensive scans of the baby to see what is causing the bleeding. The ultrasound revealed a robust baby with 2 visible arm buds and a large head. We also heard the heartbeat (180 beats/min). The scan also showed a well of old blood in the uterus left over from my hemorrhage (in scan above, the blood is the dark arc above the right side of the placenta). The well of blood is easily larger than the baby and seems to be coming out of the placenta.

The dr explained that of 1000 pregnant women who bleed, about half end up with miscarriages and half end up with healthy pregnancies. Given the amount of blood still in my uterus, he said my chances of having a miscarriage are about 75-80%. 

He said he really can't predict how this pregnancy will end, but encouraged us to pray since that will be the only thing that saves this baby. Thankfully, it doesn't appear that the bleeding has affected the baby's development. He also said there's a chance my body may just absorb the blood and I'll go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

I'm scheduled to return to the periantologist in 4 wks. By then he expects 1 of 2 results: either I've had a miscarriage, or the scan will show the blood has disappeared.

Praise:

- baby continues to look healthy

- no bleeding or cramping for more than a week

Prayer:

- for the blood to disappear

- for Baby Conner to stay nestled and protected in the womb

 

Sad day

Last night around 4:30 I started cramping and bleeding pretty heavily. I called my dr and she said I could either come in to the ER or wait until this morning to come in for an appointment. I opted for the second choice, and this morning they did an ultrasound and blood test. Everything is pointing to me having had a miscarriage last night. My primary ob/gyn wasn't in the office so she wants me to return Friday morning just to verify the results, but I'm not holding out hope that the results will be any different than today.

I've already called the fertility clinic in TN and we're looking to have another embryo transfer in May. That'll give us several months to heal and re-prepare for the journey once again.

Right now I can say that Mike and I are ok and hopeful for the future. Tomorrow, depending on when you ask, I might have a different answer. Trying to stay strong, hopeful and focused.

7 Weeks

Today, baby sea monkey is about the size of a blueberry. Mike hates that I'm calling the baby a sea monkey, but until he/she drops the tails and gills, that's the only name that seems fitting. Besides, our nieces and nephews call Mike "Uncle Monkey" so it kind of goes with the tradition.

We had our 6-week appointment last week and got to see the baby on an ultrasound. We even saw his/her lil heart thumping away at 144 beats a minute. All looks good and normal (yay for normalcy!) Next up ... hopefully weaning off the twice-a-day progesterone injections. I don't know who will be happier - me or Mike.

Choking Weeds

A few weeks ago I studied Jesus' story about a sower who threw out seeds, and the seeds fell on various types of ground. One type of ground allowed the seed to sprout and grow, but immediately produced weeds and vines to choke the new growth. The story is talking about various heart conditions (=ground) and how they receive the Gospel (=seed). However, for today's post, I'm going to say that the story could also be about how the cares of the world can choke out joy.

Just last Wednesday Mike and I were rejoicing over our good news about the expecting baby. We sailed on that cloud for several days and relished every moment we got to tell someone our news. There were times we'd just glance at each other and start smiling a goofy grin of pure giddiness.

Then this weekend I began worrying. How are we going to provide for this child? Will I be able to stay at home or will I need to keep working? What kind of job could I find that would allow me flexibility to be at home when I need to be and still earn enough money to keep us from becoming homeless? And I have only a year to figure it all out!

How silly is this? How quickly I allow worries about future decisions steal my joy about current situations. So once again God is reminding me to trust Him for even these things and to rest in his peace.