Have you ever experienced emotional turmoil so bitter that it felt as though your heart was ripped from your chest leaving a sucking chest wound? And, to add insult to injury, your heart was then trampled, trashed and bruised while you helplessly watched the destruction.
I remember the first time I felt such angst was when my college roommate of 3 years left our dorm room for the final time. I was graduating the following day and knew that her departure was the beginning of the end. As her car pulled away, loaded with pillows and clothes, I grieved the loss of her friendship and the end of a sweet time in my life. I remember calling my mom and sobbing about how my chest hurt so much at the thought of saying bye to so many people and experiences, and that I didn't think I could make it.
Today, I experienced the same feelings of anguish and despair so bitterly that I again wondered whether I would make it. Brandon visited with his birth mother today for the second time, and each time he meets with her I wonder whether he'll return the same little boy that left my arms. Mike is angry and frustrated with the situation, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, strong and understanding for him. On top of this, I'm not sleeping well and my grandmother tried to commit suicide yesterday.
I try to cheer myself by reminding myself that there are people in the world who have it much worse than myself, and that this to shall pass. But there are times when the weight is so heavy and the burden so distressing that I do wonder when will it pass and when will the storm end.
"Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'Peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean that He will.
Sometimes He holds us close while the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."