Friday, March 29, 2013

Paul's letter to the culture

Dear Romans

Blessings to you in the name of my God whom you do not recognize but who recognizes you. I come as a humble servant of God with a meek request regarding your behavior. Perhaps you have heard of or read my previous letter to the church in your midst. Whether yes or no, in summation I encouraged them to walk by faith and to live righteously before their God. It has come to my attention, however, that your cultural practices perhaps may tempt members of the church to forsake their convictions. Thus, I ask that you change certain practices so that the church may have a chance to thrive.

My list of requests is not long or burdensome. I would ask that you forsake - perhaps even outlaw - polygamy, pedophilia, corruption, homosexuality, blood sports, gluttony, backbiting and drunkenness. I have made the same demands of the church but I now recognize they will have a hard time obeying God if they see you living according to a different set of rules.

Now, I want to say up front that I believe you'll have a hard time maintaining these changes. The church obviously is struggling and we have God helping us. Without His assistance, I fear you are doomed to fail. But I'd still like you to try. Who knows, maybe you'll surprise me.

I look forward to meeting with your government representatives when I visit next month. Perhaps we can discuss my letter in further detail. Until then


PS - you really should give Jesus a try. He'd make this whole effort so much easier.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Warring Against the Dark

Sleep is a funny thing. It allows our brains to shut off and rest. It also allows our defenses to rest, too, so that we are more prone to attacks and dreams. Recently, I started having dreams about overdosing on pills. I recall the exact number and type of pills, and even recall the sensation I felt in the dream as I drifted off to sleep knowing I would never wake again.

Before anyone calls the police, please rest assured - I have no plans to off myself. I think the dream is an indication that the depression I'm fighting is more than just a chemical imbalance; it also is a spiritual fight.

My husband had the best motivation, though. He told me if I kill myself then he's putting the babies up for adoption.

God, I love that man.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

The Dark Side

Babies are doing great. They are sleeping through the night and have found a way to stick to a fairly consistent schedule during the day. Addie loves her siblings and plays with them constantly; she recently has been trying to teach them to roll over.

So why am I just now fighting post-partum depression? You would think I'd be over the moon with how great things are going. Instead, I find myself crying for no known reason, snapping at Addie and cringing when my babies cry, struggling to find energy to play with my kids vs just nap, and finding more reasons to hate my life rather than rejoice in the blessings.

And for someone who is a perpetual optimist, I find this to be unfamiliar territory.

I've done some self-analyzation to figure out the source of my issues:

1. In the beginning, I had to hold it all together and keep moving because I had no other option. But now that the babies require less care I have time to think about how overwhelming everything is, and well, it's overwhelming.

2. hormones. I mean honestly, my body had 3x's the normal level of hormones during pregnancy and those all just suddenly disappeared

3. I'm simply exhausted. While it's true the babies don't require constant care now, they also require more attention when they are awake. They don't want to just stare off into space for hours on end so I spend many hours of the day switching up their toys, their setting and their activities. Plus, I have a 3.5 year old who would freely take all of my attention and time if she could. There are some days I think Addie consumes 70% of my energy and focus leaving a paltry 30% for the babies, Mike, and tasks.

4. I feel trapped because there are times that I am. We recently had to send our triple decker stroller back to the manufacturer for repairs so for 2 weeks I was homebound during the day since I can't carry 3 carseats. It also wasn't feasible to go out at night because either I was too exhausted or the babies were too cranky and I didn't want to burden Mike with 4 whiney children. Being confined to the home with 1 antsy toddler and 3 needy children is a recipe for feeling hopeless, tired and isolated.

I thought I could "fix" this and pull myself out of the Pit of Despair, but I am willing to admit I need help (as weak as that might sound). I have started to ask for help from friends and family when I need an hour to escape and breathe. I also am finding moments to sit in the sun even if it means I prop open the door so I can keep an eye on the kids inside. I'll also be seeing my dr later this week to ask if there's some "happy pill" that can help curb my anxiety and depression. It'd be nice to enjoy my family again rather than sigh each time I hear someone call my name.