Wednesday, February 13, 2013

When saying goodbye feels more like a bad breakup than a release

This is a hard post to write. There's a certain amount of vulnerability when we admit we've been wounded - especially since the wound still aches and there doesn't seem to be a resolution coming any time soon. But still, I feel like opening my wound for inspection might be part of the healing process.

Mike and I once had the opportunity to partner with another family to plant a church in Richmond. Everything about the partnership appealed to us; we had been praying about starting a church but knew we didn't have the experience needed to do so. This other family had tons of experience, and were really awesome people.

So we started to dream. We talked about having a church so influential in Richmond that if the mayor had a problem, he might call us to discuss ways to solve the issue. We dreamed of having a world-wide influence with video feeds in Richmond to show us what our international partners were up to. We launched the church in a hotel that eventually moved to our house. And it was great. It was casual and cool. It was friendly and had such great potential.

But things started changing. Phone calls stopped being returned. Emails were overlooked. Meetings were forgotten or canceled. Eventually we stopped dreaming. We stopped communicating. A conference that was meant to inspire us served only to make us feel more isolated.

And then I got pregnant. With triplets. We wrestled with whether to stay in Richmond or to move. I desperately wanted to be near my family and to have a strong support system, but I didn't want to leave my city. I also didn't want to leave my church. The other families said they supported us regardless of what we decided, and we would always be considered members of the church even if we were a few hundred miles away.

After much prayer, we decided to relocate to Jacksonville and our church sent us on our way with a launch party/baby shower. But after we moved, it was as though we ceased to exist. There were no emails, no calls, no notes from the family with whom we started the church. Even though they frequently called or Skyped with church members who lived in Sweden, we didn't get a single indication we were thought of. We made a few half-hearted attempts to communicate with them through emails and facebook comments, but our efforts were ignored.

Seven months later, we still are hurt and confused as to what happened. Was it us? Did we mess up? Was it a spiritual issue, personality issue, leadership issue? Could it have been avoided?

I don't regret the church plant. We learned valuable lessons about how to lead a Bible study and to start a church from scratch. We met some incredible families in the process and truly saw lives touched/changed. But I regret the ending. I wish there had been a more amicable split rather than this aching hurt like I am recovering from a bad breakup. And I wish I knew how to let go rather than dwell on the disappointment of it all.

Saturday, February 02, 2013


I love this image of my daughter. Granted, you can't see her, but i certainly can hear her. She is talking to her princess dolls about an upcoming tea party. Some of the dolls are moms, others are babies. And I love to hear the conversations Addie creates with her imagination.

We recently underwent two events that have caused us to examine our lives and realize how cluttered they have become. Firstly, we fasted from tv for 21 days. In that time, I realized how little I actually enjoy tv and how much time I waste in front of the boob-tube.

Secondly, we scrutinized our finances and decided to make some drastic cuts in our expenses. One of the things we hope to minimize is our satellite package. We also have sold or gotten rid of objects that we don't need that were cluttering our lives. Gone are the big baby swings, and in their place are 3 compact swings. Gone, too, are clothes, toys and other objects we held on to for no good reason.

I am looking forward to these changes in our family. I feel as though we are dropping baggage each time we release something that consumed our time or money unnecessarily. We feel this is a time of learning and preparation for us as a family. we are learning to lean on God as our Provider, to enjoy true family time and to use our resources wisely. We also feel God is preparing us for a time when we may have to rely on Him daily for our provisions. For years we have felt God calling us to some kind of ministry, and perhaps this is His way of prying our fingers away from the things that prevented us from grasping His hands.