Dear children, I apologize in advance

It's true: you can't choose your family. Lucky for me, I wouldn't choose any other. Where else would I inherit such an anthology of family lore and stories - which I have chosen to share with you?

• I had a great great uncle who killed his wife with a hammer
• My grandma fell out of a moving car 
• My grandpa had his head run over by a car; his father was driving
• My dad once thought the best way to kill fire ants on a tree was to set the tree on fire
• My dad also thought it would be cool to soak his hand in lighter fluid and set that on fire, too
• My dad has seen the inside of Disney's jail; he was caught trying to steal a souvenir
• My brother was caught ordering alcohol on a plane; he was in high school and it was a church-sponsored trip
• My parents accidentally locked my infant brother in the car. During Mardi Gras.
• My other brother was part of a break-dancing group. When he moved to a small country town, he told the guidance counselor about his hobby - to which she replied, "We have the rodeo here."
• One night when I was in middle school, I broke curfew to watch Star Trek: TNG. My dad confronted me and said, "It's just a show." To which I screamed, "No it's not, and someday I'm going to be on it!!"
• I broke my dad's hand wrestling for the remote control
• My brother has 1 dimple, which occurred when my elbow met his face while jumping on a trampoline
• I went to college thinking you could get pregnant by swimming in water with boys
• My mom swore to us kids that it was safe to swim in rivers that had gators in them because "gators always stay on the riverbank."
• The first time my husband met my family, we went skiing in a gator-infested creek. All was fun and games until a gator popped up next to my brother who was preparing to knee board. My dad gunned the engine as my bro. held on to the rope for dear life. Once we stopped, my other bro proceeded to toss bread into the water and call out "Here, gator gator." To this day Mike thinks my family is crazy.