The Conners

Back row: Chris, me, Mike, Bert and Kelly (holding Korynn)

Front row: Shannon (holding Jack), momma Bunny (holding Conner) and Tyler

Tyler holding Korynn

Conner holding Jack

Six-year newlyweds

Embracing the unknown

A month ago I attempted to be a good Christian girl and joined my church’s Evangelism Explosion class. Despite my initial rebellion against doing hours of homework and a scripted presentation, I decided to give it a shot.

Our first night out, we met a recent college grad who let us know she was a practicing Catholic. My team leader launched into his 30 minute presentation, and concluded with, “So would you like to trust Jesus?” The girl replied, “I already do – every day.” This threw my leader. He stepped back, massaged the bridge of his nose, inhaled loudly through his nostrils and responded, “Yes, but do you really want to trust Jesus.” At this point the girl kindly declined and went back inside her apartment.

My team leader concluded that Catholics are the hardest to witness to because they are so indoctrinated and closed to other beliefs. I responded that it could be she’s more postmod than Catholic given that she said she respects our path but wanted to remain on the path she was on. The TL took her ideas on pluralism to mean she was hopelessly lost, but I interpreted it to mean she was searching for truth and simply latched on to whatever path made the most sense to her.

I quit EE after that night. I couldn’t help but feel like we were targeting people for the purposes of upping our headcount rather than seeking to simply share God’s love with people. I wanted to return to the college girl’s apartment and apologize. I also wanted to ask her what she found attractive about the Catholic church because I really haven’t encountered a devout Catholic before. I wanted to know if she experienced a closeness with God or if she was more into following rules and rituals. Perhaps she still would have chosen to remain with her path but I would hope she wouldn’t have felt like a target.

So what is it about engaging lost people in conversations that terrifies most believers? Why was my team leader more focused on running through the script than actually asking questions about their background, beliefs, fears, needs, etc.? Is it possible to talk with someone who believes there are many paths to god without offending or condemning them, but also in a way that clearly states our beliefs? And why is it an us vs them thing anyway? As my jefe says, the Gospel is really about one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread.

Being Good Enough

I know all the stuff about how we are saved by faith and not by works, and that God loves us how we are where we are no matter what. And I really thought I was secure enough in my relationship with God that I didn’t fear His rejection or disapproval.

But try as I may, there’s this ingrained theory within me that still says I have to be good enough to earn God’s love and approval. When I go 3 or 4 days without praying or spending time with my Father, my first feeling is guilt. I then feel like I have to come crawling back to God, roll over in submission and do some kind of penitence before He’ll hear my new prayers.

I also fear disappointing Him. Mike and I have been investigating various fertility treatments since it ain’t gonna happen the old fashion way. We have lots of options to choose from, but there’s this nagging fear that keeps prompting me with doubts. Should we pursue medical intervention or should we wait for God to perform a miracle? If we seek intervention is that the same as Abram and Sarai creating their own plans to have a baby (through a slave)? Are we circumventing God’s will and timing by pursuing other methods to have a baby? By turning to science and doctors, are we turning away from God and faith in His ability to make this happen? And, I think the biggest question, will God bless this or are we leaping off a cliff out of His will and away from His blessing?

Learning to trust

Then a revelation from the LORD came to (Elijah): “Leave here, turn eastward, and hide yourself at the Brook Cherith…”

Then the word of the LORD came to (Elijah): “Get up, go to Zarephath … and stay there.”

Have you ever had to rely on God for step-by-step instructions? The Bible says God’s word functions as a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, but, frankly, I’d much rather have a spotlight.

If life is a journey, then I feel like the last year has been a crawl through darkened mazes with nothing but a lighter to guide my way. There are times I’m tempted to despair and quit moving. It’s not like I’m making any progress, anyway, and I’ve probably spent the last year walking in circles – much like the children of Israel during their 40-year desert vacation.

But today I heard someone share about Elijah’s life and how this revered prophet also experienced a time when God revealed just enough information to get Elijah to the next destination. There was no big picture revelation or hint at what was to come. Yet Elijah was faithful to follow God’s sparse directions each time God spoke. This all occurs in 1 Kings 17.

Just one chapter later, we read about Elijah’s public and humiliating defeat of the prophets of Baal. During the battle, Elijah announces that his God is the one true God, and he challenges 450 prophets to a contest. The prophets dance, sing and pray all day long in hopes of getting Baal to consume their offering with fire. Finally exhausted, they sit down and relinquish the stage to Elijah. Elijah pours water over his sacrifice and fills the trench around his alter with water. He makes one supplication of God, and bam! God sends a fire that consumes the offering, alter and water.

I’ve often wondered how Elijah had the faith and trust to publicly challenge the prophets to a showdown. Perhaps his ability to trust in God was established from his years of following God one step at a time and finding God faithful at each destination.

Interesting News

China Regulates Buddhist Reincarnation http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20227400/site/newsweek/

In an effort to discredit the future Dalai Lama, the Chinese government has decided no one can reincarnate without government approval. This means when the current DL dies and supposedly reincarnates as another DL, the Chinese gov't can say, "Whoa, there fella. How do we know you're the new DL? Did you get approval to reincarnate?"

Then the Chinese gov't can discredit the newly reincarnated DL and instead appoint their own person to be the new DL. What will Buddhists do if 2 people claim to be the new DL? Guess it's a good thing I follow a God who was resurrected only once.

Moose are to blame for Global Warming

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,294032,00.html

Scientists in Norway have discovered one moose can produce 2,100 kilos of methane each year, which is the equivalent of the CO2 output during a 8,077-mile roadtrip. So should we kill the moose to save the trees?

We're All Christians

I love my job - not so much the tasks as much as the people. Where else can I get paid to pray, talk with people from around the world and receive on-the-job training in how to share my faith? I am privileged to have heard the heart stories of some incredible people and I thank them for sharing their journey with me.

And yet ...

I am discouraged to realize that despite my best efforts I spend most of my time with other believers. Monday through Friday I work with Christians; Tuesday night is evangelism training (cuz it looks good on this application thingy I'm working through); Friday or Saturday is game night with church friends; and Sunday is spent going to church or sleeping. I've been asked whether I want to join the church's softball team, but that would be 1 more night dedicated to hanging with believers.

Months ago I applied to volunteer at a local hospital but I haven't heard anything yet. I occasionally glance at the classifieds to see if there's anything in my field in a secular environment. I also am praying about how to build relationships and strengthen existing relationships through get togethers or block parties. But it's so daggum hard to be motivated after a full-day's work to call someone up or go visit someone. I'm probably the only person here who is craving for God to lead me out of the pastures into the world (hat tip to McManus).

Are there any peeps out there who have dealt with this same issue? If so, how do you pop the Christian bubble? Also, is it any easier when your full-time job is to build relationships, do evangelism, etc.?

my new favorite comic

I love this comic because it conveys the language barrier we Christians face when we use phrases like, "Have you found Jesus?"

"Have you invited Jesus into your heart?"

"Have you made Jesus your personal Savior?"

A while back, my dad's church had a tug of war over a proposed redesign of the church's sign. The old sign pictured a lamb carrying a cross, and it read, "Follow the lamb to _____ church." My dad's point was that most unchurched folks have no idea what "follow the lamb means." Unfortunately, some in the church thought my dad was trying to take the lamb out of the church.

Geesh.

Taking a stand

Ok, here's a question: if you were invited to pray in a multi-religious event - perhaps even a government-sponsored event - and you were told you could not pray in Jesus' name, what would you do? The rationale behind the request is that the organizers do not want to risk offending any attenders or others who are participating.

One side might say the request is one more example of society catering to the preferences of every other religious or social group except for Christians. And to acquiesce would be an affront to God - it would be no different than a believer denying Christ in the face of persecution.

Another side might say the request is a minor issue and the pray-er should abide by the request if it allows him or her a platform for giving testimony to God. Who knows, maybe someone would hear the prayer and seek the pray-er out for more information about the God to whom the person prayed.

How do you balance between taking a stand for your faith and not offending those who hear?

I'm Blessed

My heart has really been drawn to the Psalms this past week. Each time I read David's laments, I'm amazed that he's able to conclude with statements like, "Yet will I praise Him." Seems that David's key to hoping beyond reason was in recounting God's faithfulness despite what he saw at the moment. So, in that vein, here's my list:
- I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who treats my mood swings with care and is an enabler to my caffeine addiction
- I'm thankful for the 8 months that God allowed me to love a child as my own
- I'm even thankful that after those 8 months God taught me, "It isn't about me," and helped me let go of that little boy
- I'm thankful that in my line of work I've met some of the most amazing, visionary, humble, godly people, and that they've been willing to share some of their musings with me
- I'm thankful for our new church which has brought us new friends and much-needed healing
- I'm thankful for the prayer room located on the first floor of our office space, and for the sanctuary it offers
- I'm thankful for every lesson God is teaching me, even the painful ones, because it truly shows He loves me too much to leave me in my fleshly condition
- I'm thankful that even though I decided to spray Round Up in our front yard in a vain attempt to kill weeds - not knowing it would kill everything else - my husband still finds a way to smile about

Balancing Act

Last year I struggled to find middle ground between two extreme ideas: either faith relied solely on our ability to believe or it weighed exclusively on God's will to help. This week I've found another set of extremes between twixt there must be some balance. One camp says we're so special, just look at how much God loves us. Another camp says it's not about us, it's about Him. My dad first pointed me to these ideals in a book titled "Cat and Dog Theology."

Let's take the first camp and see where it leads. If God's love toward us is proof of our special status, then we can assume He would do anything we ask. There are several verses that support this theory. "Ask and it shall be given unto you." "All who ask receive." "our Father will give good gifts to His children." etc., etc., etc. So here's the conclusion: God loves us and wants nothing more than to bless us and to see us happy.

Ok, let's explore camp B. If it isn't about us, but God, then all of existence should be about seeing God glorified. This may require us to sacrifice our happiness, comfort and dreams if it'll bring Him glory. We should not complain about the tribulations we encounter because all things, whether good or bad, are part of the plan for God to be lifted high. Nor should we question His motives if all His promises seem to fail and we feel abandoned. So here's the conclusion: we're worthless, He is worthy, and we are blessed simply to be alive.

Seems as though there should be a way to believe God is all loving and merciful, but also to believe that life isn't about our happiness but about His glory. Thoughts?

Rest in my love

Lullaby, hush sweet babe

Close your eyes and drift away

to golden fields and sunny days,

and rest in my love

Dainty curls upon blue sheets
Matchbox cars beneath boy feet
Ragged blankie near pink cheek
Babe, rest in my love

Peace be still, and feel my prayer

Surround him, Lord, and hold him near

Speak to him, a voice so clear

to rest in your love

Swiftly gone, hurried away

Fallow fields and rainy days

Silence screams and my heart breaks

Please remember my love

The Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Fighting the despair

It's been a while, so here's an update. We found out last month that social services had decided to remove Brandon from our home and place him with a family that could care for him and his 2 half-brothers. God, talk about feeling like your heart has been ripped out. Worse, we had no inkling this decision was even being considered. So we wept, we prayed, we even held a dedication ceremony for him with our family. And then Feb. 24 we handed him over to his new family.

I hear he's doing fine and is adjusting to his new daycare. I don't have the heart to ask if he's calling his new parents mamma and dadda yet.

There are days I feel schizophrenic. One moment I can see how this is a good move for Brandon, and that Mike and I will ultimately be ok, too. I also can dream about the future and where God may lead us. But the next moment I find myself heaving sobs and fighting a swelling anger at the injustice of it all. I hear this is called grief.

Today was a good day, and so was yesterday. Tomorrow holds mysteries yet unveiled. All I can offer is a commitment to do my best at focusing on God and forget all that surrounds me.

Dear Jesus

A wise man (who would laugh if he read this description of him) once said you can tell a lot about a person’s priorities by looking at their prayer requests. If a person is outward focused then most of their prayers and praises will center on the people around them. If a person is inward focused then most of their petitions will be for toothaches, exams, bills, or personal trials.

So what does it say for a church when most prayer requests are for the health of church members? And what does it say for a Christian when their main concern is getting a driver’s license, passing a test, finding a church or getting along with their spouse?

Are these requests wrong? No. But it does show where their focus lies.

I believe

In the spirit of the impending end to 2006 and the birth of a new year, I believe I’ll begin a new page in the tomb of “My Faith.” I stated in an earlier post that so many Christians spend more time talking about what they are against rather than what they are. Because of this, we’ve neglected to show the true essence of our faith and the character of Him in whom we believe. Therefore, with this post, I shall try to clarify what I believe and why:

- I believe God is complex and cannot be summarized in a paragraph or a book. He can’t be explained, predicted or manipulated. To do so is foolishness.
- But even in the mystery of God, there are certain facts to which we can cling: God is love, He is good, He is faithful, He is compassionate, He is merciful, He is able, and He is powerful.
- I believe God would rather us spend time ministering to the poor than debating the pros or cons of homosexual marriage. I believe He’s more concerned with our spiritual state than with what sins we’ve committed. Jesus’ time on earth wasn’t spent condemning the wealthy of their penchant for sex slaves, nor did He argue for religious freedom in politics or schools. Jesus cared for the people and did all He could to remove whatever barriers separated man from God.
- I know God desires for us to talk with Him on a regular basis, and He isn’t keeping track of the times we forget to do so.
- I believe Jesus entrusted to us the responsibility to represent Him and His love on earth. His anointing wasn’t given to us to hog the glory, money, or health but to spread the love.
- Along those lines, though, I believe God doesn’t want us to assume all power and ability belongs to us. We still need Him and should never think we have it all figured out and can do anything on our own.
- I’m all for saving the planet (because it’s God’s creation), separation of church and state (because I’ve seen what happens when the church tries to rule a country), caring for the poor (because we’re commanded to do so) and for fewer laws that interfere with individuals’ rights to choose personal matters. This doesn’t mean I support those personal choices, but I don’t see how me telling someone else they can’t do something is going to bring them any closer to seeing God’s love through me.

Love Goes

A colleague once said his motto is, "Love goes." He explained some Christians operate by the philosophy that "truth goes" - meaning they believe the most important thing is to speak truth whether it brings injury or healing. An example of this would be a person who feels justified in criticizing someone's attire because it's their responsibility to truthfully describe the outfit.

Recently, Mike purchased a book written by a non-Christian who spent years interviewing fundamentalist Christians, Muslims and Jews. Her conclusion was that a Christian who believes they are justified in waging holy war against the heathen is no different than the Muslim who straps a bomb to his body to punish the infidels. She found that too many religious ideologists were so focused on propagating their religion that they resorted to any methods to prove their religion was right and everyone else was wrong.

Also, while visiting Harvard, I saw a new book called "God Delusion" in which the author attempts to succinctly eliminate any notion of God. One of his chapters focused on the idea that religion has fueled more wars than any other philosophy or cause.

So what does this all mean? Seems many wars are waged in the name of Christianity because we're more concerned about truth going rather than love. In the name of truth, a Christian stands across from an abortion clinic and yells at the women who enter. For truth's sake we initiate arguments with Hindus, Buddhists, atheists and Muslims to argue our points. Because of truth we draw battle lines between fellow Christians based on worship styles, theologies or Bible translations.

I wonder what would happen if we were more concerned about love going rather than truth?

Labels

A friend called the other day and asked if I still hate my church. This was a heavy question, especially since the friend who was asking was a member of the same church. Do I hate it? No. But I do find myself at odds with many of the teachings, primarily the emphasis on how to be blessed and how to have faith for healing, success, prosperity or (fill in the blank). It’s not that these things are wrong but they just aren’t priorities for me. My friend then asked the natural question: So what are you?

Hmm … good question. On some days I’d say I’m a 4-point Calvinist – simply because that sounds refined. I can recite 3 of the points and I know I disagree with one of those. But I do like the emphasis on total depravity. Seems like many churches have become so chummy with God that they’ve forgotten who He is. I’ve visited churches that were so relaxed folks noisily crumpled their muffins’ Saran Wrap as they attempted to devour breakfast during the church’s worship time. I’ve also been in churches that teach God has placed all authority on us so that it’s up to us and our faith to cause things to happen. I guess I’m just trying to find a balance between the authority of the believer and the authority of God – but I haven’t located middle ground yet.

I’d also say I’m a Baptist, mainly because I like their evangelistic emphasis. I have a missional heart and have felt a call to missions since I was a teenager. I think sharing our faith through relationships is one of our greatest responsibilities as believers – and one of the most neglected.

Perhaps I’m also a wee bit non-denominational in that I don’t feel an allegiance to one group of people. Call me a rebel, a lone ranger or perhaps a mutt. I am not awed by leaders, particularly religious ones, and I rarely follow the party line.

Not sure if that answered her question or if there is a way to describe me. I think this is why I hate labels – they never seem to stick.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Given that I’m a horrible updater, thought I’d simply give you bullet points of what’s taken place the last few months:


- we joined my family for a week-long vacation in Pensacola this past October. This was their first time to meet Brandon, and instantly they fell in love with each other. Brandon also braved the clear gulf water and became quite the beach bum






- Brandon took a trip to the pumpkin patch and thought he’d gone to Soccer Heaven. He seemed to think each of the large orange balls was meant for kicking.






- We had a great Thanksgiving with Mike’s family. In one year we’ve gone from 2 grandchildren to 3 with another due any week now. My other sister-in-law is pregnant and is due next summer. Lots of changes to the Conner family!




- Finally, an update on Brandon’s status … we talked with our social worker last week and she indicated that they are moving ahead with placing Brandon’s brothers in an adoptive home and leaving Brandon with us. YAY!!! She said she was part of a meeting last week in which everyone agreed Brandon would be better off staying put, and that even if they wanted to keep all 3 brothers together they would have a difficult time finding a family for them.





Mike and I are doing great, too! He Monday left for a 2-week training trip in Boston, but I’ll be flying up to meet with him to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. In some ways I can’t believe 5 years already have come and gone, but in other ways it seems like we’ve known each other forever. I can’t fathom what it’s like to be married 50 years.

Have a great holiday, and please be patient with me – I’ll try to be more diligent in offering updates!

Heart break

Have you ever experienced emotional turmoil so bitter that it felt as though your heart was ripped from your chest leaving a sucking chest wound? And, to add insult to injury, your heart was then trampled, trashed and bruised while you helplessly watched the destruction.

I remember the first time I felt such angst was when my college roommate of 3 years left our dorm room for the final time. I was graduating the following day and knew that her departure was the beginning of the end. As her car pulled away, loaded with pillows and clothes, I grieved the loss of her friendship and the end of a sweet time in my life. I remember calling my mom and sobbing about how my chest hurt so much at the thought of saying bye to so many people and experiences, and that I didn't think I could make it.

Today, I experienced the same feelings of anguish and despair so bitterly that I again wondered whether I would make it. Brandon visited with his birth mother today for the second time, and each time he meets with her I wonder whether he'll return the same little boy that left my arms. Mike is angry and frustrated with the situation, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, strong and understanding for him. On top of this, I'm not sleeping well and my grandmother tried to commit suicide yesterday.

I try to cheer myself by reminding myself that there are people in the world who have it much worse than myself, and that this to shall pass. But there are times when the weight is so heavy and the burden so distressing that I do wonder when will it pass and when will the storm end.

Not to lament too much, I want to end with lyrics to a song that have been comforting me today. I can't remember the singer's name, but I remember his words of solace:

"Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'Peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean that He will.
Sometimes He holds us close while the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."

Identifying with Lieutenant Dan

One of my favorite movie scenes is in Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan latches on to a ship's mast and curses God during a hurricane. You can hear years of pent up anger and disappointment spew from the lieutenant's heart as he screams, rants, challenges and defies God. It's understandable given the rotten hand life has dealt him: crippled, alone, jobless, hopeless and abandoned.

My favorite thing about this scene, though, is what doesn't happen. God doesn't strike Dan with a lightening bolt, nor does He shove Dan off the mast with a gust of wind. He doesn't respond with anger, impatience, fury or power. He simply waits and listens for Dan to finish, and then He brings calm to the storm.

I feel like I've been going through my own Lieutenant Dan battle: screaming at God, pushing Him away, questioning His character/words, crying with fury laced tears at His injustice and impotence. Secretly I think I expected Him finally to snap and push me away, too. But He didn't. I'm beginning to understand that His grace and mercy sometimes are greatest when He allows my storm to rage to a point of exhaustion before He brings His calm.

It's in that place of battle-weary surrender that I finally hear Him whisper to my soul: Even in this, will you trust me?