The Joy of Breaking

Trust falls aren't really about closing your eyes and falling backward hoping someone will stop your fall. A true trust fall involves falling apart and hoping that when you open your eyes, someone will be there still loving and believing in you.

It's falling apart during a Bible study and weeping to a friend that you think you are failing as a parent. It's confessing that just this week you've screamed at your infant to shut up, and have felt such anger that you're tempted to shake a helpless baby (although there's just enough sanity left to keep you sitting firmly on your hands). And hoping that when you're done confessing, the other person doesn't look at you as though you are the worst mom ever.

It's talking to a friend whom you haven't seen in years and somehow admitting that earlier in the day you cried because you found a load of laundry in the washing machine from 3 days ago, and this clearly represents your failure to keep it together. It's hoping your long-distance friend doesn't hastily get off the phone to whisper about you to her other friends.

It's calling your husband to admit you just had a panic attack because the babies aren't eating lunch after they also refused to eat their breakfast, and obviously this is another reflection of your failure as a mom. It's hoping he doesn't dismiss you and your fears like you feel you deserve.

And it's finding that in each situation the other person responds with more grace and mercy than you expect. The first friend admits that she knows just how you feel, and she went through a similarly dark time as a mom. The second friends weeps with you and vows to pray for you. Then texts you throughout the week to check on you. And the husband hangs up the phone and rushes home to hold you, to help relieve the pressure of watching 4 kids and urges you to go get some alone-breather time in an effort to also get perspective.

I have found this week there is a joy in breaking and (finally) trusting others to help put you back together - or at the very least, sit with you during the breaking and encourage you with their presence.