Baby Alien

I've been reading this book my mom bought me called "From Conception to Birth." It photographically chronicles the development and growth of a baby during it's 9 month hibernation, and is really quite remarkable. The only weird thing is seeing photos like the one above and realizing that the baby looks more like a sea monkey than a human. Some of my favorite photos show the baby's tail, gills and ears near the base of the skull. Part of me marvels at how something so odd gradually rearranges itself and develops into a perfectly-formed child. The other part looks and goes, "Ewww!"

And, and, and ...

We're pregnant! Oh, dear heavens, can it be real? I'm still whirling with the news. Right now we just know it's a positive. I'll go back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the numbers to make sure the HCg is doubling like it should. One nurse said our due date would be Oct. 4, but that seems awfully early. Guess we'll find out at our ultrasound in February.

For now, I'm just going to savor the moment.

Big Day

Today I have my first interview in the "job fair" process of matching me to a new assignment. There are 24 administrative folks who are being displaced, and we are all interviewing for 36 positions. Pro is none of us are losing our jobs. Con is trying to decide where I think I'd be best suited given the job, environment, supervisor and my personality/gifts.

Today I'll also get the first initial results from my blood test. I was told that the results could be inconclusive until Friday's test, but that if the result is negative then that's that.

I told Mike this morning that I really haven't felt stressed or anxious at all, and that's mostly true (I think I had a moment one I started to worry, but that was at least a few days ago :) Now I just sense peace. Even if the result is negative I trust that all is well and I refuse to give up hope. Already God has shown that His timing and methods are usually not what I anticipate, which can make for an eventful life!

The nerve!

Ok, not to be overly dramatic, but I seriously think I've hit this nerve every morning when I go to do my injections on the right side. And if not this nerve, then one like it.

I've tried several different areas on the right side and only once have I been able to do the injection on the first try without feeling like fire is pouring into my backside.

What am I doing wrong?? Ok, maybe this is better answered by a doctor or nurse. But, I've talked to 2 nurses and a doctor about where I'm supposed to be doing the injection and all 3 have given different answers. One nurse said to aim for the bone right above the cheek but before you get to the vertebrae. Another nurse said to do it on the side right above the hip bone. And the dr said to aim for the outer right quadrant of the cheek (which is what the internet said to do but it still hurts!)

I don't mind the injections necessarily; the left side works great and I can finish it in a few minutes with minimal pain. But the right side is not working for me right now.

Job and Bloating (2 not related)

I have my interview with SHR next Wednesday 3-4. For those who don't know, all the administrative jobs in my area are being phased out as of July 1. Thus, SHR is doing a job-fair type of thing whereby they try to match 25 of us newly displaced workers with 36 new job openings. We first interview with SHR, and then the top 4-5 candidates for each job will interview with the prospective managers. Sometime around March 9 we'll find out what jobs we were matched with. So next week's interview is pretty important. Hope I don't say something inflammatory :)

Also, I've been having lots of cramping and bloating since the transfer last Saturday. The dr had said I could expect some of this, but it still has me sort of worried. I did the dreadful thing of checking out a message board, and one lady said her doctor told her progesterone causes the uterus to stretch - thus causing cramping. So I feel a little better about it. I just hate not knowing what is "normal" but I need to relax and simply wait for my blood tests next week to know for sure if the embryos took or not.

Hunka, hunka burnin' love

For the past 3 days I have been battling serious heartburn. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me since I typically have no digestion issues. I mean, this is the girl who went to India and used water for brushing her teeth, who drank from the faucet in Russia, who ate unmentionables in Vietnam, and who hung out with dysentery victims in Uganda and I've NEVER had stomach problems. Thanks to the web I discovered that progesterone (the hormone I've been shooting into my hip twice a day) relaxes the muscle between the esophagus and stomach, thus producing heartburn.

Sadly, the website's recommendation is to cut out caffeine (no coffee) , tomato-based foods (no lasagna or pizza), citrus fruit (no oranges), sodium-high foods (no popcorn) , fried foods (no fried okra) and chocolate (no happiness). Mike said I should start living off of rice cakes.

Oh well. Such a small sacrifice for a good purpose. I welcome any tips, though, from past or current moms who dealt with the same issue.

Today I am ...

- resting and thankful for a successful frozen embryo transplant (FET) this morning

- glad that the doctor showed us how to do the progesterone injections correctly. Turns out my nurse had told Mike the wrong location for the injections, and he's been sticking me near or on a nerve. No wonder they hurt so bad!

- am praying for the 2 wee embryos in me and am excited to think of the future

Break from injections

A few weeks ago, I received orders from the clinic to start doing Lupron injections. Now, most likely you're new to this whole procedure like I was, so let me tell you ... giving yourself an injection in the tummy is harder than it looks. Most of it is psychological, but I swear that those first few times my knees would feel a little weak as I'd see that long, slender metal tip disappear into the folds of my flesh. I think I'm a pro at it now - right as it's time to stop.

I did the injections for about 21 days. At one point I had a ginormous bruise to the right of my belly button. It was about the same time that I had to have blood drawn for some testing. The blood-drawing techie missed the vein in my arm and decided to go "fishing" for it with her needle. A few days later I had a bruise on my arm the size of a 50 cent piece. That, coupled with my tummy bruise, made for quite a picture. I meant to take a photo so I could one day tell our baby, "Look what mommy went through to have you!" - but I figure guilt-tripping kids isn't the best parenting method.

The bruises have faded (thankfully) and the injections have ceased, for now. Next week starts a whole new round of shots, but these have to be administered in my hip by my lovely husband (who is quite ecstatic at the thought of injecting me). These shots will probably hurt much worse because the needles are about 3 inches long. Good thing I can't see anything when he's doing it!

Even now I can say I know all these injections and procedures will be worth it when we have a sweet baby. Our procedure date is Jan. 17 - just over a week away! We've been waiting for this date for so long that in many ways I can't believe it's right around the corner!!

Possible solution??

Hmmm ... maybe I should start poking and stalking more people

Bonding

This past New Year's Day, Mike and I had Thursday-Sunday off from work. Four glorious days to do whatever we wanted to do. The first day we lazed about and watched movies, ran errands, enjoyed some alone time. Same for the second day. But by the third day, we were hungry for company. We called some friends ... and left a message. We called family, but they were busy. Finally, we resigned ourselves to meandering through shopping centers and bookstores just to be among other people.

Why is it so hard to develop community and relationships? That's not to say our friendships are shallow and fake. But maybe we don't have enough friends. Or maybe our friendships are more of a casual friendliness rather than deep, day-to-day type of relationships.

Mankind was built to have and enjoy relationships - with each other and with our Father. On lonely days like what we experienced last week, I literally hunger for some kind of human contact - even if it's just for a few hours.

Please don't hear this as a lame plea similar to someone standing on a street corner with a sign that reads, "Be My Friend." Rather, I'm trying to understand if this isolation is global or limited to the US. Also, is there a "cure" or remedy to the problem? How can we go about developing lasting, deep friendships in a culture that values personal space?

Joyful, joyful

I've written so many posts of late where I air my concerns and lament my stresses, that I want to give a shout out for the amazing ways God has blessed me this week. Here's a quick summary (the last is the best)

- I started another drama class this week. Last session I had 9 kids and innumerable behavioral problems (one student was asked not to return). This session I have 16 children, and I believe they are the cream of the crop. After our first class I had several declare this is their favorite class, and they are looking forward to next week. I like that kind of enthusiasm! Better yet, they seem to be all well-behaved, mature children.

- last week Mike finally received the promotion that he had been promised nearly 6 months ago. He already was doing the work involved, but he had not received the title or pay raise to go with the responsibilities. Our company was generous and offered him a 22% increase in salary

- we received a call at 3:30 Tuesday night from the embryo clinic saying they were faxing over the profiles on embryo donors. We needed to decide on which donor we wanted and decide fast! Other couples were getting the same information at the same time, and it was first come, first served.

Mike and I decided on 1 couple that night, but really needed God's peace about the whole thing. All we had to go on was brief physical descriptions of the donors and only 7 profiles to choose from. I called the clinic the first thing Wednesday and heard the beautiful words, "The other couples haven't chosen yet because I was waiting to hear what your selection was." After Mike and I told her our choice, she faxed over a more detailed bio on the husband and wife. Would you believe, it's like reading our own bios.

The husband is the same age as Mike, the wife is within 2 years of my age. Both have curly hair. Both share our body build, skin tone and eye color. The husband plays soccer, the wife majored in communications. Better still. The couple had 5 strong, healthy embryos to donate. The wife ended up pregnant with triplets when she used her other embryos. (I'm not wishing for triplets, but it tells us she had a good success rate)

After reading the detailed information, we really felt God's peace and assurance. So, this week we are rejoicing in God's goodness and His ability to answer prayers (from big to small).

War on Fleas (WoF) - week 1

The Smuggler - we think the fleas hitched a ride on Jon Cat

Look at his fierce claws - these are the talons of a killer

The Execution

The Dead

We've heard that it sometimes takes several weeks of consecutive flea bombing to thoroughly kill off the critters. We haven't seen any hoppers since our first treatment, so hopefully that took care of the problem

Declaring War

Normally I'm a pacifist all in favor of finding peaceful solutions to conflicts, but today I have re-evaluated my stance. Today I became an all-you-can-eat buffet for fleas. I've counted 20 bites thus far on my legs, abdomen, back and arms. We tried vacuuming, washing linens and even taking vitamin B1 (one website said this supplement deters fleas from biting - ha!) Mike and I plan to bomb the house tomorrow, and hopefully find something to spray the yard. I'm open to any other tips!

Schizophrenic Reading List

I’m reading a book written by a freelance writer who gives advice to folks seeking to bust out of the standard 9-to-5 model of work. She asks questions in the first chapter to help stimulate the reader’s thought process regarding what kind of work the reader really would be interested in doing. One of the questions guides the reader to look at hobbies and interests.

By doing so, I now realize I suffer from flight of thought – which my dad gratefully reminds me is a symptom of Schizophrenia.

See, my hobby is reading – particularly anything to do with history. The Schizophrenia part comes in when one looks at my list of materials. A month ago I was obsessed with Henry VIII and the history of his life, wives and reign. I must have read at least 4 books on this topic in just a month.

This month, I’m obsessed with learning all I can about World War II, particularly focusing on the Holocaust. I’m re-reading Wiesel’s “Night” and have checked out other books on this topic – all biographical stories from people who were in Europe during WWII and were touched by the Holocaust. I’m also re-watching “Band of Brothers” and hope to meet with a local widow who is Jewish and escaped from Europe during WWII.

Earlier this year my reading list consisted of nothing but books about the history of Spain, starting with Queen Isabella and going through the last dictator, Franco.

Now if only I could turn this flight of thought and fancy into a career path ….

Have I mentioned I love autumn?

What the ...?

Authorities in Iran nabbed two birds believed to be “spy pigeons” near the country’s contentious nuclear facility, the Agence France-Presse reported Monday.

Both pigeons were caught near the city of Natanz, which is home to Iran’s uranium enrichment plant, AFP reported. Both had metal rings and invisible strings attached to them.

A source declined to mention what will happen to the pigeons now that they’ve been caught.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,441162,00.html

More than Expected

I went into this week’s drama class just hoping and praying that the kids would be calm enough for me to get through the lesson plan. I had enlisted a few friends to pray for me, and I had spent a few days prior to the class praying for the kids. Still, though, I had low expectations.

Imagine my surprise when the one child who seemed to be the ring-leader, J., came into class and said, “Hello, Miss Brittany!” I can’t recall him ever addressing me by name. Then, during class, J. continued to surprise me by reigning in the other kids and helping me keep everyone on task. Later, he held the door open for me and the other classmates, and eagerly ran to the drama director to tell her he had brought one of his grades up.

His good behavior continued throughout the rest of class, and when it came time to recognize the “best behaved student,” others in the class readily recommended J. even before I announced my choice.

I really don’t know what to attribute J.’s change to other than prayer and perseverance. The best part: I was finally able to start pouring into each child, praising them for individual accomplishments and sharing with them about how God had created each one of them with unique skills and talents. I left class quite elated and encouraged, which is definitely more than what I expected.

Christianese in the real world

What Next?

This past spring, I realized that I spent nearly every evening at home watching tv with my husband - not what I consider the best use of my time. So I decided to volunteer and join various groups. I go to dance class on Thursdays, teach drama to 8-10 year olds on Tuesdays and visit a homebound elderly couple each week. I've been dancing and teaching drama for a little over a month, but it's not going as I expected. My goal had been to form friendships and have fun, and hopefully find ways to enter into life-changing discussions with people. The problem is I often get so caught in the activity that I forget about initiating purposeful conversations.

I know the names of some of the ladies in my dance class, but can't seem to get past the initial "How are you? How is your family?" My drama class is much worse. I try to open the class in prayer and talk about how I believe God has gifted us with imaginations, but the kids seem bored and uninterested (in fact, one kid made buzzing noises with his tongue during last week's prayer). Even more discouraging is that I find myself spending more time planning lessons and worrying about "problem children" than I do praying for them.

So how do I move past the current stage to one where I can actually do or say something significant? How do I stay focused on the main thing and not get distracted by busyiness? And here's a deeper issue: how do you calm a class of 10 kids long enough to teach them drama, impart to them a glimpse of God's love and get out before chaos erupts?

Dance Steps

A friend of mine recently created a blog, Break Out Dancing, as a way to engage people in a conversation about spiritual matters. I love the writer's approach: the best way to connect is to "dance" with them. Sometimes you lead, sometimes they lead. The key is to adapt your pace and steps to match theirs.

Check it out! If nothing else, I love the case studies because it makes me think about what would I do or say in the proposed situation.

Several Facets to Sanctity of Life

• 400,000

Number of Sudanese who have died from violence or disease since the Darfur War began in 2003

• 15 million
  

Number of children worldwide who have been orphaned by AIDS

• 1.3 million
  

Average number of abortions per year in the US

• $20,000
  

Average cost of infant adoption in the US

• 1123
  

Number of people who have been executed in the United States since 1976

• 16 million
  

Number of children in developing countries who die each year from preventable causes

• 60
  

Percentage of those deaths that are due to hunger or malnutrition

I think each of these issues deserves our attention at any time - not just in an election year. I applaud those who champion a particular cause and who are so passionate about an issue that they do their best to educate the public about their stance. But I also applaud those who go beyond picketing and protesting and do their part to change the situation - whether it's through donations, volunteering, advocacy, education or mentoring.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that true change can only happen by and through His direction and power. Politicians can reform laws, but the next group of leaders can reverse whatever temporary change was enacted. Organizations can offer aid relief, but their change, too, only addresses temporary situations.

I really feel this is where the church should be unified and focused: doing whatever we can to offer healing, forgiveness, restoration, hope and love. We should stop focusing on politics and start focusing on people. We should stop drawing lines of divisions and start reaching out a hand of reconciliation. And as God changes lives, we'll also see God overthrow injustices. And God desires to affect change that impacts all lives.

Secrets, secrets

I've been waiting for the right time to write this post, mostly because I'm not sure how some folks might react. But then I realized that we have a pretty amazing story to share and I shouldn't keep it quiet just because I might get some strange responses. First, though, here's the backstory.

December 1, 2001

I married R. Mike Conner, who would soon become my best friend. Within 6 months we decided to go ahead and try to start a family.

2002-2005

We had yet to conceive and underwent several infertility testing. Finally we received the news: it'd take a miracle for us to ever conceive a child without some kind of major medical intervention. This came as such a disappointment and we went through a grieving phase for at least a year. And to be honest, we also went through a stage of questioning God and His love.

spring 2004

We enlisted in our county's foster parent program with the hopes of getting a child we could eventually adopt. We received a toddler around March and were told prospects were good for us to eventually adopt. Unfortunately, this placing didn't work out and we "lost" our foster son in spring of 2005. There's much more to this story, but I'll sum it up by saying we were devastated. This threw us into a pit much worse than where we'd been before foster care, both emotionally and spiritually. It'd take us at least 2 years before we were willing to even think of trying adoption.

May 2008

We decided to meet with Bethany Christian Services to learn about their adoption program. During that meeting, the case worker asked if we had considered embryo adoption. Years ago I'd looked into it, but thought it was way too expensive. It was at this meeting that we learned about a fertility doctor in Knoxville, TN who had contracted with Bethany to offer embryo adoptions to couples who were cleared for adoption through Bethany. The best part: he viewed this as his ministry to save frozen embryos so he was offering to do up to 3 rounds of embryo transfers for a third of the cost that traditional fertility doctors charge.

So, here's the news. We met with the doctor in Tennessee this past week and have been cleared for their embryo transfer program. We also had our home study approved by Bethany the first of this month. Thus, we are now on track to have our first embryo transfer in 4 months. Yay!!!

'rents recent visit

My mom and dad recently came to stay with us for about 10 days, and I had blast introducing them to Richmond and the surrounding areas. I definitely get my humor from them!

my mom and I getting fresh with a statue in Richmond

Mike and I near the James River

my parents in front of a replicated log cabin - 

he's trying to carry her across the threshold

here cow, cow, cow ... mooooo!

me and my sweetie

Second View: God's Compassion vs. God's glory

Here is what I have had driven home to me lately.  Safety is an illusion.  Security is an illusion.  We talk about job security, financial security, etc.  That's all an illusion--some parents might say, "God didn't send us here to sacrifice our children for the souls of others." All of those thoughts, ideas, beliefs would make sense if it weren't for the fact that we could be taking a walk and a drunk driver swerves off the road onto the sidewalk and kills that child that we were going to protect. 

 

Security is an illusion because we only think in terms of the short view, or in other words, this life now.  What does all this have to do with Ester (her being a part of God's plan to redeem his people, yet another time is like the drunk driver for me).  God did not support sex trade, nor would he want anyone to have to endure what Ester endured.  However, evil does exist in the world along with the good.  Because of evil she found herself in her predicament.  But God--good--always trumps evil.  If I remember correctly the scripture says something like, "God has placed you here for just such a time as this."  Hebraically speaking, because the Jews were monotheist to the core everything was due to God.  It's like the guy who slammed his hand in the car door, went to the hospital and was able to tell someone about God. That man might say, "Thank you God for slamming my hand in the door!" when in reality it was his stupidity.

God can redeem any situation regardless of what it is or how it comes about, to draw his people to himself and/or provide a way of rescue. 

 

Your struggle is a struggle that all of us who take the bible seriously are constantly sorting things out because they don't fit the schemes that we have been taught.  The cool thing is the mystery that surrounds God.  We can't dissect his word like a frog in biology lab which is sort of what modernity did with scripture, God, the whole deal.  Cause and effect, scientific, objective evidence, all were tools that modernists have used to try and figure it all out--and consequently, not allowing for mystery--the mystery of God.

Two Views on Same Question

I've been trying to sort out a revelation that occurred to me earlier this week, and thought I'd offer two views on the same issue. This first post is my initial thoughts regarding the issue/question. The next post will feature the insights of a person who has become sort of a mentor/sounding board for when I encounter these issues.

So I had this spiritual “aha” moment yesterday and it’s kind of thrown me for a loop. I’ve been thinking about blogging about it, but I can’t think of any title other than, “God and the Sex Trade.” See, I was reading a book by McManus in which he discusses the story of Esther. He points out that this Old Testament story isn’t a romantic love story like we all think it is. At its essence, it’s the story of a girl whose people was enslaved by the Persians. God decides the way to rescue his people from annihilation is to plant someone in a strategic location so that this person will be in a position of influence. Sounds great … except His plan involved having a young, virgin girl forced into the king’s harem where she was obligated to satisfy the king’s every whim. Granted, the story turns out fine and dandy: Esther becomes queen and Israel is saved. By why did God’s plan center around a girl being forced into a sterilized version of the sex trade in order to save His people?

 

The second part that worries me is the question of what if God’s plan for my life involved  a similar sacrifice. For the longest time, I thought bad things happen for 2 reasons: it’s a direct result of a person’s sin (ex: Israel’s captivity) or the result of someone making bad decisions (ex: story of Tamar’s rape in the Old Testament). Never had I considered that bad things might happen because it’s part of God’s plan. It’s like God sent Esther to the harem. This wasn’t a case of someone making a bad decision and God having to step in to make the best of the bad result. God ordained the bad situation!

 

So what if God’s plan for me requires me to be falsely accused for a crime and sent to prison just so other prisoners can hear about God? Or what if God’s plan requires me to contract a horrible disease so that I’ll be put in touch with doctors who are longing to hear about God?

 

So now I’m in a quandary about what to think regarding God’s compassion when it seems that at times God’s glory will outweigh God’s compassion.

Final Grains of Sand

Final scenes from OBX

Kite-flyers at Jockey's Ridge dunes

Bert got crabs

Conner and mean Korynn

Jack didn't want to be left out

The Gang

Mike catching a wave - I didn't get the shot of him wiping out

Korynn and Conner

The Conner gang: Jack, Bert, Kelly and Mike

some small dolphins and tile fish from Oregon Inlet. 

Rumor had it that some guys caught a 1,220 lbs 

blue marlin over at a neighboring cove. 

There's more photos over at my mac gallery

Night of Dancing and Bowling

Shannon spinning Conner

Conner doing her granny-bowl

Conner didn't like the loud music, 

but she'd unplug her ears long enough to bowl

Jack, a bowler in the making

Look at his graceful form - incredibly, Chris beat us all

 with a rousing score of 112.

Rainy days in OBX

What better way to spend a rainy day than chilling in a true coffee house - the kind where strangers gather around common tables, people actually talk to each other and everything is roasted/created in house? On our first day in OBX we got a frequent coffee card for The Front Porch Cafe. We'll get a free drink after purchasing 10; in the last 4 days we've consumed 6. Yay us!

Cutie Nephew

Jack is one of the most well-behaved toddlers I've ever met. He kept himself entertained and content on the beach, so much so that I forgot he was there. Every morning I wake up to his gurgling chuckles and squeals. He definitely has a cheerful disposition.