Thanksgiving with the Jarvises

Ok, so my family is odd. They always have been and always will be - and I kind of like it that way. Here are some photos of me, Brandon (25), Ashton (19) and my parents.

Wilderness Adventure

Mike is indulging his wilderness man by taking me camping this weekend. We originally planned to rough it by sleeping in a tent we could carry on our backs, and hiking several trails with a full backpack. I believe he envisioned this as being our first training session for someday hiking the AT. Thankfully, sanity prevailed and instead we’ll be sleeping on an air mattress and hiking with a day pack.

Still though, I’ll be running if I hear any banjos.

PS - If Mike had his way, I think we'd look like this:

For anyone who knows my boss

This announcement was on our company's frontpage website. We're getting quite a kick out of it!

Is Optimism Bad?

I’m reading a book called God on Mute, where the author talks about that frightening topic of why God sometimes appears to be mute. Silent. Distant. The author devotes a section of the book to explaining why God sometimes doesn’t answer our prayers.

The author offers several explanations for why prayers go unanswered, but one of his theories is that life is meant to be hard. He tells the story of a poor sap who encounters several crushing blows – his daughter is sick, he begins to develop a debilitating disease, he is in danger of losing his job, etc. The author asks the guy how he copes without losing faith in God, and the man says something like, “The moment I accepted that life isn’t easy or fair, and that it’s a tough struggle, then I didn’t experience disappointment when bad things happened.”

This is a difficult concept for me. I refer to myself as an eternal optimist, and some days my hope that things will get better is the only thing that sustains me. To give up on this hope and accept that things won’t get better, or that they may get better just before getting bad again, seems defeating, depressing and gloomy. Being an optimist isn’t easy. At least once a month, my expectations and hope endure a jarring shake. I then need a day to recover, rethink my expectations, and get back to the business of hoping for a better day tomorrow.

So, should we lower our expectations for this life and expect the worse? Should we be more surprised when good things happen rather than when bad happens?

Looking Past the Mirage

There's a scene in X-Men 2 when one mutant tries to convince another mutant he is seeing something that doesn't exist. The mirage is very believable - complete with the right atmosphere, characters, voices and script. The problem is, of course, is that it's fake.

Sometimes I think the enemy uses a similar tactic against followers of Jesus. He attempts to paint a picture of doom and gloom, and he uses real characters, situations or comments to create a false reality. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to fall for his version of life rather than to look to the One who gives true hope and life.

One Bible writer described faith as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." If I were to define faith I'd say it was "willfully refusing to look at the things and situations around us and opting to look at and trust God."

Or, as one band said, "when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

Broken Boxer

God

You know I have carefully crafted my castles and have defended them from attack. I guarded, protected, defended and flailed against all perceived enemies who sought to destroy my plans, dreams or expectations. Sadly, I even fought against you.

I said with my mouth, “Thy will be done,” yet I maintained a tight grip on my creation and destination. I intended to move ahead in the direction I decided, and was willing to push against any mountain that blocked my path.

And then I remembered. You said faith could move a mountain, not my strength. You said God guides our steps, not my determination. You have asked if I will trust you and I have responded with a half-hearted “I guess so.”

But I know I can’t bribe you into relenting, nor can I threaten you with silence or abandonment. I have to submit. I have to relent. I have to quit fighting and pushing against you.

God, help me to take off the gloves and to leave them on the table. Help me to mean it when I say, “I trust you and I’ll follow you no matter what.” Forgive me for yelling at you, cursing you and despising you just because you won’t do what I ask when I ask. My head tells me that your plan is better than mine – help my heart to believe this, too.

Saddness = Not Enough Coffee

I’m addicted to coffee. I’ve heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, and one lovely lady spent months lecturing me about the dangers of caffeine so I’m sure this will make her happy. She also swore that smoothies make for nice substitutions when the brain begins craving coffee, but that’s nonsense.

The thing is, though, if something as innocent and widely-available like coffee makes me feel good, tastes good and helps others (like coffee-bean growers), then how can it be so bad? And if the benefits outweigh the negative, then shouldn’t I just go with it and ignore the symptoms of an addition: cravings; headaches and irritability when detoxing; daydreams about lovely brown cups holding rich, aromatic liquid joy?

I’m afraid to analyze this question because I’m afraid it’ll lead to deeper introspection about other addictions in my life, like my addiction to speed and adrenaline (hurry, hurry, don’t slow down!); my need for me-time, at the expense of shutting out developing relationships; my craving to control situations around me and the terror I feel at letting go; and my flesh’s insistence that I think about me and my entitlements, plans and desires.

See, this is why I shouldn’t think about my dependence on coffee …

Unknown purpose

Years ago, I went to India. I was following in my college friends' footsteps, all of whom raved about their time in Kota. So I went. And I hated.

Unbeknownst to me, the group I connected with was a singing group who spent the entire trip traveling around town giving impromptu concerts. I, along with a handful of others, were left to either stay at the orphanage or play the role of groupies. But even the orphanage was difficult to stomach. The children didn't appear to be living in conditions much better than the homeless children, and so many of the children told stories about sleeping with rats that I cringed whenever I visited them in their rooms.

The day after I returned from India I contracted a weird bug and lost my voice for a week. I remember thinging, "Why did I waste the time and money on such a miserable experience?" Ah, yes, fond memories.

But the strangest thing happened last week. I was talking with my Indian neighbors about an upcoming Indian festival, and I mentioned that I had visited Kota. The wife immediately opened up to me and began sharing stories about Indian culture, tips on Indian restaurants, and invitations to drop by for authentic curry. She also invited us to this weekend's festival and promised to introduce us to all her friends.

I've lived here for two years and had yet to have a meaningful conversation with this neighbor. I'd never have thought God would have used my college trip to Kota as a bridge to a (hopefully) fruitful friendship.

The Conners

Back row: Chris, me, Mike, Bert and Kelly (holding Korynn)

Front row: Shannon (holding Jack), momma Bunny (holding Conner) and Tyler

Tyler holding Korynn

Conner holding Jack

Six-year newlyweds

Embracing the unknown

A month ago I attempted to be a good Christian girl and joined my church’s Evangelism Explosion class. Despite my initial rebellion against doing hours of homework and a scripted presentation, I decided to give it a shot.

Our first night out, we met a recent college grad who let us know she was a practicing Catholic. My team leader launched into his 30 minute presentation, and concluded with, “So would you like to trust Jesus?” The girl replied, “I already do – every day.” This threw my leader. He stepped back, massaged the bridge of his nose, inhaled loudly through his nostrils and responded, “Yes, but do you really want to trust Jesus.” At this point the girl kindly declined and went back inside her apartment.

My team leader concluded that Catholics are the hardest to witness to because they are so indoctrinated and closed to other beliefs. I responded that it could be she’s more postmod than Catholic given that she said she respects our path but wanted to remain on the path she was on. The TL took her ideas on pluralism to mean she was hopelessly lost, but I interpreted it to mean she was searching for truth and simply latched on to whatever path made the most sense to her.

I quit EE after that night. I couldn’t help but feel like we were targeting people for the purposes of upping our headcount rather than seeking to simply share God’s love with people. I wanted to return to the college girl’s apartment and apologize. I also wanted to ask her what she found attractive about the Catholic church because I really haven’t encountered a devout Catholic before. I wanted to know if she experienced a closeness with God or if she was more into following rules and rituals. Perhaps she still would have chosen to remain with her path but I would hope she wouldn’t have felt like a target.

So what is it about engaging lost people in conversations that terrifies most believers? Why was my team leader more focused on running through the script than actually asking questions about their background, beliefs, fears, needs, etc.? Is it possible to talk with someone who believes there are many paths to god without offending or condemning them, but also in a way that clearly states our beliefs? And why is it an us vs them thing anyway? As my jefe says, the Gospel is really about one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread.

Being Good Enough

I know all the stuff about how we are saved by faith and not by works, and that God loves us how we are where we are no matter what. And I really thought I was secure enough in my relationship with God that I didn’t fear His rejection or disapproval.

But try as I may, there’s this ingrained theory within me that still says I have to be good enough to earn God’s love and approval. When I go 3 or 4 days without praying or spending time with my Father, my first feeling is guilt. I then feel like I have to come crawling back to God, roll over in submission and do some kind of penitence before He’ll hear my new prayers.

I also fear disappointing Him. Mike and I have been investigating various fertility treatments since it ain’t gonna happen the old fashion way. We have lots of options to choose from, but there’s this nagging fear that keeps prompting me with doubts. Should we pursue medical intervention or should we wait for God to perform a miracle? If we seek intervention is that the same as Abram and Sarai creating their own plans to have a baby (through a slave)? Are we circumventing God’s will and timing by pursuing other methods to have a baby? By turning to science and doctors, are we turning away from God and faith in His ability to make this happen? And, I think the biggest question, will God bless this or are we leaping off a cliff out of His will and away from His blessing?

Learning to trust

Then a revelation from the LORD came to (Elijah): “Leave here, turn eastward, and hide yourself at the Brook Cherith…”

Then the word of the LORD came to (Elijah): “Get up, go to Zarephath … and stay there.”

Have you ever had to rely on God for step-by-step instructions? The Bible says God’s word functions as a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, but, frankly, I’d much rather have a spotlight.

If life is a journey, then I feel like the last year has been a crawl through darkened mazes with nothing but a lighter to guide my way. There are times I’m tempted to despair and quit moving. It’s not like I’m making any progress, anyway, and I’ve probably spent the last year walking in circles – much like the children of Israel during their 40-year desert vacation.

But today I heard someone share about Elijah’s life and how this revered prophet also experienced a time when God revealed just enough information to get Elijah to the next destination. There was no big picture revelation or hint at what was to come. Yet Elijah was faithful to follow God’s sparse directions each time God spoke. This all occurs in 1 Kings 17.

Just one chapter later, we read about Elijah’s public and humiliating defeat of the prophets of Baal. During the battle, Elijah announces that his God is the one true God, and he challenges 450 prophets to a contest. The prophets dance, sing and pray all day long in hopes of getting Baal to consume their offering with fire. Finally exhausted, they sit down and relinquish the stage to Elijah. Elijah pours water over his sacrifice and fills the trench around his alter with water. He makes one supplication of God, and bam! God sends a fire that consumes the offering, alter and water.

I’ve often wondered how Elijah had the faith and trust to publicly challenge the prophets to a showdown. Perhaps his ability to trust in God was established from his years of following God one step at a time and finding God faithful at each destination.

Interesting News

China Regulates Buddhist Reincarnation http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20227400/site/newsweek/

In an effort to discredit the future Dalai Lama, the Chinese government has decided no one can reincarnate without government approval. This means when the current DL dies and supposedly reincarnates as another DL, the Chinese gov't can say, "Whoa, there fella. How do we know you're the new DL? Did you get approval to reincarnate?"

Then the Chinese gov't can discredit the newly reincarnated DL and instead appoint their own person to be the new DL. What will Buddhists do if 2 people claim to be the new DL? Guess it's a good thing I follow a God who was resurrected only once.

Moose are to blame for Global Warming

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,294032,00.html

Scientists in Norway have discovered one moose can produce 2,100 kilos of methane each year, which is the equivalent of the CO2 output during a 8,077-mile roadtrip. So should we kill the moose to save the trees?

We're All Christians

I love my job - not so much the tasks as much as the people. Where else can I get paid to pray, talk with people from around the world and receive on-the-job training in how to share my faith? I am privileged to have heard the heart stories of some incredible people and I thank them for sharing their journey with me.

And yet ...

I am discouraged to realize that despite my best efforts I spend most of my time with other believers. Monday through Friday I work with Christians; Tuesday night is evangelism training (cuz it looks good on this application thingy I'm working through); Friday or Saturday is game night with church friends; and Sunday is spent going to church or sleeping. I've been asked whether I want to join the church's softball team, but that would be 1 more night dedicated to hanging with believers.

Months ago I applied to volunteer at a local hospital but I haven't heard anything yet. I occasionally glance at the classifieds to see if there's anything in my field in a secular environment. I also am praying about how to build relationships and strengthen existing relationships through get togethers or block parties. But it's so daggum hard to be motivated after a full-day's work to call someone up or go visit someone. I'm probably the only person here who is craving for God to lead me out of the pastures into the world (hat tip to McManus).

Are there any peeps out there who have dealt with this same issue? If so, how do you pop the Christian bubble? Also, is it any easier when your full-time job is to build relationships, do evangelism, etc.?

my new favorite comic

I love this comic because it conveys the language barrier we Christians face when we use phrases like, "Have you found Jesus?"

"Have you invited Jesus into your heart?"

"Have you made Jesus your personal Savior?"

A while back, my dad's church had a tug of war over a proposed redesign of the church's sign. The old sign pictured a lamb carrying a cross, and it read, "Follow the lamb to _____ church." My dad's point was that most unchurched folks have no idea what "follow the lamb means." Unfortunately, some in the church thought my dad was trying to take the lamb out of the church.

Geesh.

Taking a stand

Ok, here's a question: if you were invited to pray in a multi-religious event - perhaps even a government-sponsored event - and you were told you could not pray in Jesus' name, what would you do? The rationale behind the request is that the organizers do not want to risk offending any attenders or others who are participating.

One side might say the request is one more example of society catering to the preferences of every other religious or social group except for Christians. And to acquiesce would be an affront to God - it would be no different than a believer denying Christ in the face of persecution.

Another side might say the request is a minor issue and the pray-er should abide by the request if it allows him or her a platform for giving testimony to God. Who knows, maybe someone would hear the prayer and seek the pray-er out for more information about the God to whom the person prayed.

How do you balance between taking a stand for your faith and not offending those who hear?

I'm Blessed

My heart has really been drawn to the Psalms this past week. Each time I read David's laments, I'm amazed that he's able to conclude with statements like, "Yet will I praise Him." Seems that David's key to hoping beyond reason was in recounting God's faithfulness despite what he saw at the moment. So, in that vein, here's my list:
- I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who treats my mood swings with care and is an enabler to my caffeine addiction
- I'm thankful for the 8 months that God allowed me to love a child as my own
- I'm even thankful that after those 8 months God taught me, "It isn't about me," and helped me let go of that little boy
- I'm thankful that in my line of work I've met some of the most amazing, visionary, humble, godly people, and that they've been willing to share some of their musings with me
- I'm thankful for our new church which has brought us new friends and much-needed healing
- I'm thankful for the prayer room located on the first floor of our office space, and for the sanctuary it offers
- I'm thankful for every lesson God is teaching me, even the painful ones, because it truly shows He loves me too much to leave me in my fleshly condition
- I'm thankful that even though I decided to spray Round Up in our front yard in a vain attempt to kill weeds - not knowing it would kill everything else - my husband still finds a way to smile about

Balancing Act

Last year I struggled to find middle ground between two extreme ideas: either faith relied solely on our ability to believe or it weighed exclusively on God's will to help. This week I've found another set of extremes between twixt there must be some balance. One camp says we're so special, just look at how much God loves us. Another camp says it's not about us, it's about Him. My dad first pointed me to these ideals in a book titled "Cat and Dog Theology."

Let's take the first camp and see where it leads. If God's love toward us is proof of our special status, then we can assume He would do anything we ask. There are several verses that support this theory. "Ask and it shall be given unto you." "All who ask receive." "our Father will give good gifts to His children." etc., etc., etc. So here's the conclusion: God loves us and wants nothing more than to bless us and to see us happy.

Ok, let's explore camp B. If it isn't about us, but God, then all of existence should be about seeing God glorified. This may require us to sacrifice our happiness, comfort and dreams if it'll bring Him glory. We should not complain about the tribulations we encounter because all things, whether good or bad, are part of the plan for God to be lifted high. Nor should we question His motives if all His promises seem to fail and we feel abandoned. So here's the conclusion: we're worthless, He is worthy, and we are blessed simply to be alive.

Seems as though there should be a way to believe God is all loving and merciful, but also to believe that life isn't about our happiness but about His glory. Thoughts?

Rest in my love

Lullaby, hush sweet babe

Close your eyes and drift away

to golden fields and sunny days,

and rest in my love

Dainty curls upon blue sheets
Matchbox cars beneath boy feet
Ragged blankie near pink cheek
Babe, rest in my love

Peace be still, and feel my prayer

Surround him, Lord, and hold him near

Speak to him, a voice so clear

to rest in your love

Swiftly gone, hurried away

Fallow fields and rainy days

Silence screams and my heart breaks

Please remember my love

The Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Fighting the despair

It's been a while, so here's an update. We found out last month that social services had decided to remove Brandon from our home and place him with a family that could care for him and his 2 half-brothers. God, talk about feeling like your heart has been ripped out. Worse, we had no inkling this decision was even being considered. So we wept, we prayed, we even held a dedication ceremony for him with our family. And then Feb. 24 we handed him over to his new family.

I hear he's doing fine and is adjusting to his new daycare. I don't have the heart to ask if he's calling his new parents mamma and dadda yet.

There are days I feel schizophrenic. One moment I can see how this is a good move for Brandon, and that Mike and I will ultimately be ok, too. I also can dream about the future and where God may lead us. But the next moment I find myself heaving sobs and fighting a swelling anger at the injustice of it all. I hear this is called grief.

Today was a good day, and so was yesterday. Tomorrow holds mysteries yet unveiled. All I can offer is a commitment to do my best at focusing on God and forget all that surrounds me.

Dear Jesus

A wise man (who would laugh if he read this description of him) once said you can tell a lot about a person’s priorities by looking at their prayer requests. If a person is outward focused then most of their prayers and praises will center on the people around them. If a person is inward focused then most of their petitions will be for toothaches, exams, bills, or personal trials.

So what does it say for a church when most prayer requests are for the health of church members? And what does it say for a Christian when their main concern is getting a driver’s license, passing a test, finding a church or getting along with their spouse?

Are these requests wrong? No. But it does show where their focus lies.

I believe

In the spirit of the impending end to 2006 and the birth of a new year, I believe I’ll begin a new page in the tomb of “My Faith.” I stated in an earlier post that so many Christians spend more time talking about what they are against rather than what they are. Because of this, we’ve neglected to show the true essence of our faith and the character of Him in whom we believe. Therefore, with this post, I shall try to clarify what I believe and why:

- I believe God is complex and cannot be summarized in a paragraph or a book. He can’t be explained, predicted or manipulated. To do so is foolishness.
- But even in the mystery of God, there are certain facts to which we can cling: God is love, He is good, He is faithful, He is compassionate, He is merciful, He is able, and He is powerful.
- I believe God would rather us spend time ministering to the poor than debating the pros or cons of homosexual marriage. I believe He’s more concerned with our spiritual state than with what sins we’ve committed. Jesus’ time on earth wasn’t spent condemning the wealthy of their penchant for sex slaves, nor did He argue for religious freedom in politics or schools. Jesus cared for the people and did all He could to remove whatever barriers separated man from God.
- I know God desires for us to talk with Him on a regular basis, and He isn’t keeping track of the times we forget to do so.
- I believe Jesus entrusted to us the responsibility to represent Him and His love on earth. His anointing wasn’t given to us to hog the glory, money, or health but to spread the love.
- Along those lines, though, I believe God doesn’t want us to assume all power and ability belongs to us. We still need Him and should never think we have it all figured out and can do anything on our own.
- I’m all for saving the planet (because it’s God’s creation), separation of church and state (because I’ve seen what happens when the church tries to rule a country), caring for the poor (because we’re commanded to do so) and for fewer laws that interfere with individuals’ rights to choose personal matters. This doesn’t mean I support those personal choices, but I don’t see how me telling someone else they can’t do something is going to bring them any closer to seeing God’s love through me.

Love Goes

A colleague once said his motto is, "Love goes." He explained some Christians operate by the philosophy that "truth goes" - meaning they believe the most important thing is to speak truth whether it brings injury or healing. An example of this would be a person who feels justified in criticizing someone's attire because it's their responsibility to truthfully describe the outfit.

Recently, Mike purchased a book written by a non-Christian who spent years interviewing fundamentalist Christians, Muslims and Jews. Her conclusion was that a Christian who believes they are justified in waging holy war against the heathen is no different than the Muslim who straps a bomb to his body to punish the infidels. She found that too many religious ideologists were so focused on propagating their religion that they resorted to any methods to prove their religion was right and everyone else was wrong.

Also, while visiting Harvard, I saw a new book called "God Delusion" in which the author attempts to succinctly eliminate any notion of God. One of his chapters focused on the idea that religion has fueled more wars than any other philosophy or cause.

So what does this all mean? Seems many wars are waged in the name of Christianity because we're more concerned about truth going rather than love. In the name of truth, a Christian stands across from an abortion clinic and yells at the women who enter. For truth's sake we initiate arguments with Hindus, Buddhists, atheists and Muslims to argue our points. Because of truth we draw battle lines between fellow Christians based on worship styles, theologies or Bible translations.

I wonder what would happen if we were more concerned about love going rather than truth?

Labels

A friend called the other day and asked if I still hate my church. This was a heavy question, especially since the friend who was asking was a member of the same church. Do I hate it? No. But I do find myself at odds with many of the teachings, primarily the emphasis on how to be blessed and how to have faith for healing, success, prosperity or (fill in the blank). It’s not that these things are wrong but they just aren’t priorities for me. My friend then asked the natural question: So what are you?

Hmm … good question. On some days I’d say I’m a 4-point Calvinist – simply because that sounds refined. I can recite 3 of the points and I know I disagree with one of those. But I do like the emphasis on total depravity. Seems like many churches have become so chummy with God that they’ve forgotten who He is. I’ve visited churches that were so relaxed folks noisily crumpled their muffins’ Saran Wrap as they attempted to devour breakfast during the church’s worship time. I’ve also been in churches that teach God has placed all authority on us so that it’s up to us and our faith to cause things to happen. I guess I’m just trying to find a balance between the authority of the believer and the authority of God – but I haven’t located middle ground yet.

I’d also say I’m a Baptist, mainly because I like their evangelistic emphasis. I have a missional heart and have felt a call to missions since I was a teenager. I think sharing our faith through relationships is one of our greatest responsibilities as believers – and one of the most neglected.

Perhaps I’m also a wee bit non-denominational in that I don’t feel an allegiance to one group of people. Call me a rebel, a lone ranger or perhaps a mutt. I am not awed by leaders, particularly religious ones, and I rarely follow the party line.

Not sure if that answered her question or if there is a way to describe me. I think this is why I hate labels – they never seem to stick.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Given that I’m a horrible updater, thought I’d simply give you bullet points of what’s taken place the last few months:


- we joined my family for a week-long vacation in Pensacola this past October. This was their first time to meet Brandon, and instantly they fell in love with each other. Brandon also braved the clear gulf water and became quite the beach bum






- Brandon took a trip to the pumpkin patch and thought he’d gone to Soccer Heaven. He seemed to think each of the large orange balls was meant for kicking.






- We had a great Thanksgiving with Mike’s family. In one year we’ve gone from 2 grandchildren to 3 with another due any week now. My other sister-in-law is pregnant and is due next summer. Lots of changes to the Conner family!




- Finally, an update on Brandon’s status … we talked with our social worker last week and she indicated that they are moving ahead with placing Brandon’s brothers in an adoptive home and leaving Brandon with us. YAY!!! She said she was part of a meeting last week in which everyone agreed Brandon would be better off staying put, and that even if they wanted to keep all 3 brothers together they would have a difficult time finding a family for them.





Mike and I are doing great, too! He Monday left for a 2-week training trip in Boston, but I’ll be flying up to meet with him to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. In some ways I can’t believe 5 years already have come and gone, but in other ways it seems like we’ve known each other forever. I can’t fathom what it’s like to be married 50 years.

Have a great holiday, and please be patient with me – I’ll try to be more diligent in offering updates!

Heart break

Have you ever experienced emotional turmoil so bitter that it felt as though your heart was ripped from your chest leaving a sucking chest wound? And, to add insult to injury, your heart was then trampled, trashed and bruised while you helplessly watched the destruction.

I remember the first time I felt such angst was when my college roommate of 3 years left our dorm room for the final time. I was graduating the following day and knew that her departure was the beginning of the end. As her car pulled away, loaded with pillows and clothes, I grieved the loss of her friendship and the end of a sweet time in my life. I remember calling my mom and sobbing about how my chest hurt so much at the thought of saying bye to so many people and experiences, and that I didn't think I could make it.

Today, I experienced the same feelings of anguish and despair so bitterly that I again wondered whether I would make it. Brandon visited with his birth mother today for the second time, and each time he meets with her I wonder whether he'll return the same little boy that left my arms. Mike is angry and frustrated with the situation, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, strong and understanding for him. On top of this, I'm not sleeping well and my grandmother tried to commit suicide yesterday.

I try to cheer myself by reminding myself that there are people in the world who have it much worse than myself, and that this to shall pass. But there are times when the weight is so heavy and the burden so distressing that I do wonder when will it pass and when will the storm end.

Not to lament too much, I want to end with lyrics to a song that have been comforting me today. I can't remember the singer's name, but I remember his words of solace:

"Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'Peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean that He will.
Sometimes He holds us close while the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."

Identifying with Lieutenant Dan

One of my favorite movie scenes is in Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan latches on to a ship's mast and curses God during a hurricane. You can hear years of pent up anger and disappointment spew from the lieutenant's heart as he screams, rants, challenges and defies God. It's understandable given the rotten hand life has dealt him: crippled, alone, jobless, hopeless and abandoned.

My favorite thing about this scene, though, is what doesn't happen. God doesn't strike Dan with a lightening bolt, nor does He shove Dan off the mast with a gust of wind. He doesn't respond with anger, impatience, fury or power. He simply waits and listens for Dan to finish, and then He brings calm to the storm.

I feel like I've been going through my own Lieutenant Dan battle: screaming at God, pushing Him away, questioning His character/words, crying with fury laced tears at His injustice and impotence. Secretly I think I expected Him finally to snap and push me away, too. But He didn't. I'm beginning to understand that His grace and mercy sometimes are greatest when He allows my storm to rage to a point of exhaustion before He brings His calm.

It's in that place of battle-weary surrender that I finally hear Him whisper to my soul: Even in this, will you trust me?

But my God says I’m right …

I just love it when Christians use the Bible as a weapon to divide and conquer rather than an instrument for healing and uniting. This story come courtesy of abcnews.com:

Mary Lambert, 81, has been a member of the First Baptist Church in Watertown, N.Y., for 60 years. She had her wedding on the premises, raised her kids in its halls and taught Sunday school at First Baptist for more than five decades.

But she recently received a letter from the church board notifying her that the board had voted unanimously to dismiss her from her post.

The letter referred to her sex as one of the reasons for her dismissal, quoting the Bible's First Epistle to Timothy, which states: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she is to keep silent."

The church's pastor stands by his decision.

"I believe that God has a very special role for men and women within the church setting and many people look at it as exclusionary, but I don't view at it that way," Tim LaBouf, First Baptist's pastor, said.

Who is God and what is faith?

For months I’ve been kicking around the thoughts regarding God and faith and what it all means. I’ve been a member of a Faith church for 5 years now and I’ve come to accept what they preach as the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Things like, “God always heals if you just have the faith” and “God always provides for your needs” and “the promises of God are yes and amen.” The flipside to this belief is the thinking that if things don’t go according to plan then obviously it’s the fault of the believer. Maybe they didn’t have true faith or maybe there’s some hidden sin that prevented God’s promises from coming forth. When my father-in-law died 2 years ago I was told it was because he had lived an unhealthy life full of mayonnaise and cigarettes, so no amount of prayers could have saved him.

A few weeks ago a 5-month-old little girl died despite the prayers of 200 Faith believers. I would have thought that out of 200 or so people at least one of them would have had the right faith. And the baby was too young to have committed any hidden sins. So why wasn’t she healed? I was told that now is not the time to ask why but to pray for those who are grieving.

But here’s my dilemma: why pray if we’re not sure God will answer? If God arbitrarily decides who He’ll hear and bless then how can I have faith I’ll be the one He hears? And if I don’t have faith then what’s the point of voicing my petitions to begin with?

I know God is compassionate and I know He has helped me in the past. But I know of times when He hasn’t helped, too, and I’m having difficulty trusting any of His promises when it seems He has failed to abide by one.

Crazy with love

Thank you for praying for yesterday’s meeting. Everything went well and Mike and I both just sat amazed as we listened to the mother tell about what Brandon and his brothers have experienced in their short little lives. The boys are so sweet, affectionate and loving that no one would guess at the abuse and neglect they’ve suffered. I pray God will show us how to help the boys heal emotionally and how to show them His love for them.

We pick up Brandon’s brothers today for a weekend of fun, fun, fun! It’s also the “test” weekend to see if we can manage 3 boys at once. We’re praying about taking in Brandon’s brothers permanently – which the other foster family and our social worker are all in favor of. So this weekend will give us a small taste of what it’s like to go from a family of 2 to a family of 5. Are we crazy?!?

I have a big prayer request for some friends of ours in Maryland. Brian and Christina have a 4 month old daughter who died yesterday after a long battle with pneumonia. So please pray for Brian and Christina, their 2-year-old son Kyle, and all their family and friends. This is a tragic, tragic death and I know they desperately need your prayers right now.

Praise and prayer

These past 5 weeks have brought more joys and challenges than I could ever have thought possible! But even through the 2 a.m. crying sessions I'm thanking God for this blessing and opportunity - regardless of what the future holds. Below are some praise and prayer requests for those who have been following the saga. And if anyone has recommendations about how to get a toddler to eat food at dinner rather than throw it on the floor, I'm open to suggestions!!

Praises:

Brandon’s brothers are staying with us this weekend. This is both a praise and a prayer request. We are very glad that they’ll get to spend a few days together, but we’ve never cared for 3 boys at once. I’ll let you know next week if we survive the weekend :)

We were in need of a dresser for the boys’ room, and just now a good friend in the furniture business called to say he had a dresser and nightstands for free. Praise God! We hadn’t even told anyone of our need.

Brandon continues to sleep fairly well – this is the greatest praise of all!

Prayer:

We have our first meeting with the Social Worker, CASA worker and birth mother tomorrow morning to hammer out details regarding visitations and any questions we have. Pray for God’s peace to be evident in the room, and for us to have wisdom in what we say. I’ve talked to the birth mother by phone but this will be our first face-to-face visit.

Brandon loves daycare, but he seems to become fussy and clingy the moment we get him home. I’ve been told this is separation anxiety, but all I know is we miss the smiley little boy who loves to play with bubbles! Pray that Brandon continues to adjust to our home and daycare, and that as he adjusts he grows more secure and confident.

New portraits of Brandon

Silly boy

Brandon being coy

The cutie pie himself

Surfs up!

New Addition

Ok, so the roller coaster of life threw us another loop a few weeks ago. Shortly after I posted about the chance for us to adopt the baby in Nebraska (a still undecided matter), we received a phone call from our county Social Services department: would we take in a 17-month-old boy? We had 10 minutes to decide - and our lives have not been the same since! Brandon is so precious and wonderful and full of laughter. He has transitioned into our home surprisingly well, although we still battle the occasional sleepless nights. We've figured out, though, that he sleeps fairly well as long as we keep him on a consistent schedule. See, I'm starting to sound like a parent already!

What else we have learned:
1. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches need much less pb and j when being fed to a toddler
2. one word grunts may very well be words spoken through untrained lips
3. exhaustion, fatigue and frustration pale in comparison to hugs and kisses and belly laughs

We can't give much information about his family, but we will say Brandon has 2 other brothers (a 4 and 5 year old) and we will most likely have him in our family for quite a while.

Joys and Pains

As you may know from previous posts, Mike and I have decided to pursue adoption and/or foster care given our battle with infertility. And please don't take our decision as a surrender of our dream to one day have our own children naturally - it's just we want a family and we're ready to pursue different paths to reach that destination.

We completed the county's foster care training about a month ago and fully expected to get a placement phone call the next day. When that didn't happen, I expected the call within a week. Yet week merged into week and we never received a call. I contacted our social worker who assured us that she hadn't forgotten us, but that the number of children coming into the system had slowed down so it might be awhile before we get a placement call.

This was a blow to us since we had heard so much about the need for foster parents leading up to our training that we never thought there would be a waiting period. I even told Mike, "I wonder if God has a plan bigger than what we see, and maybe there's a reason we've not gotten a call yet."

Not even 2 days after our conversation, I received word from one of our new international workers that her sister was 4 months pregnant with a boy and she was looking for an adoptive family. Actually, the sister wanted our worker and her family to take the baby - but extenuating circumstances may make that difficult. The worker told my boss to pass a message to me that if I were interested in at least contacting her sister to ask about adoption that I should send her an email - which I did that night. She then passed along my message to her sister. And now we wait. I know there are a thousand things that could cause this opportunity to slip away, and I must learn to be patient and trust God. But I can't help but dream of boy names, picture a nursery, or imagine life as a mom. It's been nearly a week since the mother received my email, so I'm hoping that at least by the end of the week I'll know whether she's even interested.

Two things make this situation cool:
1. I have been praying about whether to move to another job for months now. BUT if God had listened to me then I never would have made this connection.
2. Mike and I already are certified for adoption (because of our foster care classes) so if the mom decides to choose us, we already are 5 steps ahead of the game.
3. my mom works in a law firm, so she has easy access to adoption laws in each state. AND one of her lawyers is from the home state of the mother, so the lawyer could maybe recommend someone to help us.

But, before I get ahead of myself, let me close by saying that our earnest prayer is for God's will to be done, and for this child to find the best, most loving family for him - even if it isn't us.

Gone forever and a day

I just realized it's been almost 2 months since I've posted - not that there's been much to share. Mike and I completed our foster care training, so now we just wait for the phone to ring. The disturbing train of thought, though, is that in essence we're hoping for some child to be abused or neglected so that we get to be a family to him or her (even if just temporarily). Eerie.

We also made a journey to Pensacola where my youngest brother, Ashton, graduated from high school. While there, my mom made a tentative job offer for a start up company my parents are beginning with another couple. They are looking for a manager of their soon-to-be data storage facility and my mom asked Mike to consider the job. It'll be at least 6 months before anything develops on this front, but it's something to consider.

I got busted at work over a trivial joke, but it's one more black mark on my record. Thankfully the situation was quickly diffused, but I think it served to further solidify my conviction that firstly, I'm not made for cubicle life, and secondly, I don't quite fit in at work. For now, though, all I can do is pray and wait for God to say when, where, how and what.

In more exciting developments, I'm beginning to grasp this concept of living a life of ministry without title, position, strategy or schedule. It happens when I least expect it: at Goodwill with the cashier, at Don Jose with our favorite waiters Marvin and Alberto, and at the pool with random soccer fans (GO USA!). Everywhere we go we encounter people who hunger for acceptance, significance and relationships. Offering these things is much easier than I expected, and more natural than viewing people as targets or, worse yet, enemies to be converted. This is all new to me, but we'll see what develops!

10 Steps to Seeing Miracles

I have to admit, I normally pass over any type of book that guarantees to fix my problems in 10 easy steps or by using a formula that has worked for countless others. Perhaps it's because of my firm belief that God created each of us differently so what worked for Susie won't necessarily work for me.

Many teachers out there have put forth lessons that teach what steps we need to take if we want to see miracles occur. Oftentimes they list the following:

• faithfully tithe
• read the Bible everyday
• pray at least 3 times a day (over meals), and any other time you feel like it
• make friends only with Christians who can encourage you and stay away from people who could cause you to "stumble"

The problem is that Jesus never talked about a works based gospel. His message of salvation almost always was about a free gift offered by a loving Father to His searching children. This is true of eternal salvation, but I believe it applies to even situations of daily salvation from illness, danger, poverty and depression.

Galations 3:5 says, "Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it be the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?"

Seems to me Paul clearly is stating that miracles come about by us (children) speaking words of faith to our Father, and our Father answering. No checklist to make sure we've taken our daily dose of Scripture or balance book to ensure our good deeds outweight our bad. All it takes for God to intercede is us opening our mouths and saying in confidence, "Even in this I trust you. For you are the Healer, Forgiver, Deliverer, Provider, Comforter and Wisdom that I need."

Friendly faces

Jamey on keyboard during an impromptu praise session. This was before

he busted out with "Desperado" and Garth Brook hits :)

Marian and Stephanie showing me the city of Hamburg

Heather and me at the conference. She was an
awesome host! me and Marian atop her 22nd-story apartment balcony in Berlin

me, Stephanie and Marian in Hamburg

the gang: Steph, Janine, Sherry, me and Marian at the conference

Brief Checkin

I have some really great photos from the conference and my time in Hamburg, but I've now left the hotel and can't plug my computer into any internet cable to be able to upload the photos. Lo siento! Oh well, at least I can tell you about my adventures the past few days.

Tuesday, we left the conference center and drove to Hamburg with 2 friends who are serving in Germany. We toured the city on Wednesday and had tea with a family from Afghanistan. I was amazed to hear their story of how they were on vacation in Russia when war broke out in their home country. Relatives told them not to return, so they ended up in Germany where some other relatives had already moved. The wife used to be a successful dentist, but now she's simply a dentist's assistant. The husband used to be a journalist, but now he's unemployed. They were so incredibly hospitable and kind, and I'm thankful that they shared with me their story.

We then left Hamburg yesterday and drove to Berlin. I had dinner with some friends at a Turkish restaurant before we took a brief tour of the city. We walked to Checkpoint Charlie and through the immigrant section of city, but since it was nearly midnight we decided to save the rest of the tour for today.

Only 2 more days before I head back to the US. This is a bittersweet revelation: I'm anxious to return to my husband, but these past 2 weeks have been like a mountain-top experience of sitting at the Master's feet and of fellowshipping with some amazing people. I stand in awe of God's great creativity each time I hear someone's life journey and see how God crafted each character and plot with the swiftest pen and deepest mystery.

the Journey

The thought hit me at lunch today: in most likelyhood I will never see the majority of these people again. I've enjoyed getting to meet our workers this week, but already I'm feeling the sadness and bitterness of our impending departure from this haven back to the real world. The next meeting isn't scheduled for another 3 years and I'm hoping by then that God will have moved me onto another phase of my journey.

We had some excellent sessions today, and I want to share just a few insights I gleaned:

* Be contagious in your life no matter where you are. It’s more important to pass along a passion rather than a lesson.
* if a church or church member is dead or diseased, cut it off
* Healing doesn’t come without movement. Churches that continually focus on healing the congregation will never be healed without moving toward a goal/vision

I'm still struggling with the concept of being content on the journey even if you don't where the path leads. Perhaps I wouldn't feel so useless, purposeless, etc., if I actually was doing something of value where I am. It's like I keep looking to the horizon and thinking, "When I reach that point in my life, I'll be able to finally help someone." Or I think, "When I fulfill my dream of being an overseas missionary, then I can say I've finally arrived."

Truth is, though, the path never stops moving -- even after it delivers us to our 'dream destination.' And perhaps God is wanting me to use my current situation/location as a training ground for ministry where I am rather than waiting for what I'd consider an ideal situation. But knowing the solution to my discontent and actually walking in it are 2 different things.

Life of Ambiguity

Talking with a worker who regularly invites volunteer teams to his city, I asked, “What do you have the volunteers do?”

“I don’t have them do anything,” he replied. “And I don’t call them volunteers because they are just as called as we are. They are missionaries just like us, and I invite them over to walk alongside us for a week. It’s not about what they do but it’s about who they are.”

This seems to be the theme for the week: missions, actually all of Christianity, isn’t about what we do but about who we are. I struggle with this idea because since I was 13 years old I knew that I was called to serve overseas as a missionary, and I often experience frustration when I think about how far I am from that vision. Worse, I don’t even know how to “do missions” where I currently live. I’ve been observing and learning from a particular worker who is trying to teach me what missions is really about. A few weeks ago I asked him, “How do you intentionally be a missionary when you’re living in the US in a culture that stays busy?” His response: “You do it as you go.”

So, perhaps more than anything else this week, I am learning that missions isn’t something you do only when you carry the title “missionary” or when you’re paid to be a full-time missionary. Missions is a heart attitude that seeks to be Jesus among whoever I am around -- whether I am in the gas station or a restaurant, at work or at church.

The second lesson I’ve learned this week is that just because it doesn’t appear like I’m on the path toward my goal to serve overseas doesn’t mean I’m wasting time. And no matter what hurdles appear to be blocking my path, God is able to do all things to fulfill His plan for my life.

Random stuff

* I asked a worker among post-moderns, "What would a post-modern church look like?"

He replied, "Take away all the BS and denominationalism from your typical American church and what are you left with? Worship, prayer, fellowship and God. That is what all churches should look like."

* 99.5 percent of people in the UK have never heard the gospel in a manner that makes sense to them.

* In June, millions of viewers will rearrange their schedules to fit the football schedule of the World Cup. What would happen if Christians were just as willing to rearrange their schedules in order to interact with and reach the lost in their world?

* Contrary to popular belief, Brittany can play games involving strategy. She may not be able to play checkers or chess, but last night she proved she can play a German game that, like Monopoly and Risk, requires players to strategize and manipulate.

Church and Post-Modernism

Lessons from our Post-Modern seminar ...

Most modern churches use a “drag-in” mode of evangelism rather than an “outreach” mode. Their main goal is to go into a community and attract unbelievers into the safe confines of the church building. They believe, knowingly or not, that God can be involved only in church sanctioned activities such as worship, Bible studies, women’s fellowship groups, etc.

The gospel teaches, however, a more incarnational method of evangelism. Rather than bringing people into the church so that they can experience God, we are to go into the world to live God before them.

Unfortunately, believers who acknowledge the need for incarnational evangelism rather than attractional evangelism still default to the attractional methods.

Church among one group of post-moderns may look more like a discussion group in a cafe. For another group, it may be a home-based Bible study. Another group of post-moderns may never step foot inside the confines of a traditional church building but they will gladly discuss spiritual matters inside the familiar setting of a bar, cafe or home. We are not called to bring them to church or to create church - we are called to be the church.

Amazing Stories

This was taken yesterday morning (Wednesday). Look at the snow!!

Today (Thursday) was busy, busy, busy. I finally got a hold of someone back in Richmond who could reset my password to my work email account, so I was able to check email and work in the database (nothing like traveling half-way around the world only to do office work!) The best part, though, was getting to sit and listen to workers from around the world share stories about what God was doing. Today we heard from folks in Malta and Germany - pretty amazing stuff. I also have been able to meet folks serving in Switzerland, France, Austria, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Portugal, Spain - just about every country in Western Europe. It's times like today that I remember why I'm here doing what I'm doing.

Thanks for praying for me - I feel 100 percent better today. I'm also nearly over jet lag and feel more like my crazy self :)

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

This morning we awoke to a beautiful snow shower that left a dusting of powder on the hilly countryside. It was a gorgeous beginning to a busy day! I spent much of the morning exploring the mammoth hotel before the personnel arrived en masse. From 2 pm - 6 pm we helped process all the folks checking into the hotel . This included collecting bio information on them, including finger prints. It was a great day all in all - and I have great photos that I'd post if the computer would let me :(

Unfortunately, I am having serious computer problems and can't even log into my normal work email account. Ahh!

Touchdown in the Land of Lederhosen

After 9 hours on planes and 3 hours on a bus, we finally arrived at our hotel in Germany. Actually, the hotel is more like a mansion! It has 500 + rooms, a bowling alley, skating rink and indoor water park. I've already gotten lost once, but that's not a real shocker.

I've only been in Germany a day, but my initial impressions is that it's much like America. They drive on the same side of the street as we do in the US, and many of the cars look like they'd fit right in on Route 66. Most signs are in English and German, and my first meal in country came from none other than McDonalds. I'm sure the changes will become more evident as the days go by.

I'll be sure to post more details and photos in the coming days! Pray for me - my glands are starting to swell and I'm dragging. It's nothing a good dose of sleep and prayer can't fix :)

The Day Before

Things never go according to plan, and Sunday was no exception. I had planned to use the day to finish packing for my Germany trip and to fuel up on "Mike time" since we'll be apart for the next 2 weeks. Instead, we spent the morning in the emergency room for Mike's right eye. It had become swollen, red and extremely sensitive the night before. One doctor told us it was conjunctivitis (note: Patient First is nearly always wrong!) The ER doctor did some tests and correctly diagnosed Mike as having a scratch on the top of his eye. A few prescriptions and an hour later we were released to relax the rest of the day. Mike says his oozing eye should qualify him to play the part of Paul in our church's next play :)

Time flies ...

Tomorrow night is our final class for foster care. I'm amazed at how quickly - and how slowly - 9 weeks have passed by. There were times Mike and I thought the 3 hour session would never end. And yet, here we are nearly at the end, and part of me still feels unprepared. I suppose even birth parents experience the same emotions: excitement, fear, anxiety, wonder, and eagerness. If it weren't for our schedules we'd probably take a child within a week. However, we've requested to be placed on hold until at least May. Ahhh! So little time, so much to do :)

In other news, Mike just celebrated his 35th birthday this past week and we spent a few days on a secluded farm with just us, some cows and a one-eyed cat! It was great - just the solitude and peace made the trip well worth it. I highly recommend Fairhill Farms to anyone seeking a retreat near Richmond. While we were away, we spent the time discussing our dreams, plans and frustrations. I can't reveal much at the moment, but suffice it to say big changes may be a-comin'!

Mike and me

This is my husband, Mike, and me when we spent Christmas in TN with my family. We don't look so bad for having hiked up a mountain :)

Roller coaster of childcare

We are nearly halfway through our training to be foster parents and the one thing I keep thinking is: dag, there are so many ways to screw up a kid. It's not that we're bad people who would do bad things. But I wonder if we'd be the kind of parents I've always wanted to be.

There are times I feel so inadequate to help a child who has been abused, neglected, defeated and wounded. There are some wounds that no amount of hugging, laughing or comforting can soothe. I've never experienced the depth of pain that many of these children have, and I wonder how can I help them navigate through their grief when I have no idea what they are thinking or feeling.

But even as the classes open my eyes to the needs of the children, I also feel my heart being softened and stretched. Where I once found only selfishness and impatience I now discover a depth of love and compassion that had not been there before. I may feel inadequate to the task, but more than ever I have the passion to overcome the challenge and help these children discover a love and pride they have yet to know.